I’m a 20 year old female. I haven’t been in a relationship in three years. My first relationship was my junior year of highschool and I gave that guy every “first” of mine, I wanted to marry him and he broke up with me when he went off to college. I then jumped into an extremely toxic relationship with someone I wasn’t really romantically interested in and they were my last “real” relationship. The summer before college I talked to a boy I had known my entire highschool life, this was someone who knew me and I could trust. I gave him so much of myself only for him to use me and cheat on me. Since then I constantly think about him and have such a grudge against him. If he were to text me tonight and say he wanted me back I’d probably say yes. Why is that? He treated me horribly but yet it seems I want him more because of that? I daydream about what could have been, and because of that I feel like I’m living in the past. He wasn’t what I deserved and I feel like I’ll never move on and find love again. Once again, this was three years ago, why do I still think about what he did to me every day
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Why? There’s a number of reasons it could be, but if I had to guess. You’re young and haven’t yet developed the tools to deal with something like this. You’re gonna meet better people if you let it go, it’s inevitable.
As for firsts. Nearly everyone has one. And statistically speaking, they aren’t still with that person. No matter how good it was.
Firsts matter a lot at your age, but life experience will put it in perspective. if you’re lucky and paying attention, you’ll learn that they aren’t as big of a deal as you may think.
A better question to ask yourself is “are these feelings serving me?” If you’re wasting energy on something that will/may never happen, is that really a good use? If you find you can’t stop, I’d look into therapy.
It’s gonna be alright! Good luck.