Ever since I had my daughter my marriage has been a shit show at least in my eyes. I think it has to do with the fact that I do most if not all of the caring for my daughter while being a SAHM and student. My husband has only worked 3 months out of the time that we’ve had her. She is 6 months now. He took paternity leave and then we moved so he took time off. During that time off to help he has not gotten up with her once at night, doesn’t put her down for naps, doesn’t bathe her. He will change her diaper and hang out with her, occasionally giving her a bottle of pumped milk if I ask him. I am getting extremely resentful considering I haven’t slept through the night in months, and on top of that feel like I’m making so many more sacrifices than him. So things haven’t been the greatest between us, but I try to let it go and choose to be positive for my daughter sake. Fast forward to last weekend, I had a friend in town and the discussion came up about giving birth, he is dead set on saying “we” gave birth because he said that I say “we” bought a house and “we” bought a car when he is the breadwinner and has been paying for things for a year and a half, while I have been off work. Before that I had always worked and contributed half. Mind you, when we bought our house I was working, when we bought our cars I was working. I literally stopped working right before I got pregnant to go back to school full time. I’m honestly disgusted by him saying “we” gave birth, it’s incredibly demeaning to my journey including two years of infertility and treatment plus now everything that I take on daily that he doesn’t help with. I’m just at a loss for words. It was incredibly embarrassing for me being that my friend was here and him continuing to comment about finances to the point she asked if she should leave because it made her uncomfortable. I find myself thinking about moving out, ditching school and going back into my previous career field to get my own place for my daughter and myself. Am I being unreasonable? I’m really frustrated and probably left some things out so feel free to ask for clarification.
25 comments
He sounds terrible. I am sorry you feel that you are caring for your daughter alone. Parenting takes a village! He needs to help, regardless if he is working or not that is still his daughter and he needs to be present for her.
You guys definitely need to have a long talk if you are considering moving out (leaving him?). He sounds entitled and lazy.
I do not believe you are unreasonable. This is not sustainable for you. I do think you should talk to him first though and give him a chance to change.
How much longer for school? If its not that much longer it would suck if you gave up now. Maybe you could stay with family first if you need to get out?
But yeah, sit him down and tell him all of your grievances. Maybe write them down first so you don’t stumble when you vomit out everything.
Does he know this is how you feel about everything you stated in your post?
You don’t mention ages but this sounds exactly like the kind of relationship people fall into because they just think they’re supposed to be coupled, and before they know it they’re married with a baby.
This doesn’t even sound like a nice person.
Seems like marriage counseling is needed.
Pretty nuts that he was bringing up finances with your friend. This feels like a pretty thin line to financial and emotional abuse.
Obviously, you’re both resentful. But his approach is not cool at all.
Respect in the relationship is gone. Do something before it starts getting taken out on the child.
The night before his next day off be sure to have at least 2 bottles pumped. Tell him he has tonight. If the baby cries and ge doesnt move, nudge him until he does. Start taking “me time”. When he gets home tell him you a going to the store, hair done or visiting friends. Tell him bottles are ready. You’ll be back in an hour, 2 hours etc. Sometimes you need to force the issue.
You are not being unreasonable. He sounds selfish and self-important. I’m surprised you never noticed these traits before.
Get your own place, get your former career back, get happy.
To give birth, one must be pregnant. Men cannot be pregnant.
He didn’t give birth, YOU did. He doesn’t have a right to say ‘we gave birth’. You need to tell him that it annoys you
Sounds like he’s massively insecure about not being such a great “breadwinner.” How did he convince you to never get up with your kid? Every time I hear that arrangement I’m shocked it’s even possible.
There is no “we gave birth,” there is “we have a child together.” On a personal level, I can’t stand people who use the term “we gave birth” in general because it undermines the sacrifice made by anyone birthing a child, the risks & pain that come with that, the healing, & the life long changes that can occur to their body after the process. It screams hugely insecure to me.
I think you should definitely start making your exit plan, but if you want to try to salvage your relationship I would suggest couples counseling. If he refuses, I think it would still be good for you to go to individual sessions so you can work through the feelings that will come up about wanting to second guess your leaving as well as him manipulating you.
If the house & car being his are more important to him than admitting that YOU gave birth, having you in his life & being an active parent, he can enjoy the lonely view while you move on.
Wishing you the best.
Sounds like “we” should get a divorce tbh
I went full stop at him hardly helping with your kid. That’s unacceptable. It’s his child too.
You married the wrong one sis, I’d definitely leave and get my own place.
>Am I being unreasonable?
No dear it sounds like a really good plan.
He can go *give birth* to more stupid thoughts like the one he worded to your friend.
Reddit user: I am having problems in my relationship that are extremely typical for a new, young family.
Reddit: lEaVe hIm!!!
He’s kind of got a point, and you’re arguing semantics and looking for reasons to place your resentfulness. The fact of the matter is most of the work for a newborn falls under the mom, but he should be handling his share. You should work out a schedule that you both agree upon and duties so that he can be proactive instead of you having to tell him, but it shouldn’t be 50/50 because he’s working to bring in money and you’re not. That’s just the reality of the situation.
You should work out something that works for you, but if he’s working full time to pay for the bills, your full time job is a mother. Both equally important jobs, but jobs nonetheless. You’re not expected to help him bring in money.
Sounds like a silly topic to fight about but you added a few sentences at the beginning of the post that have nothing to do with the actual story. Sounds like you’re frustrated with your husband about plenty of other things and venting it through this issue.
my husband didn’t let me sleep in at all for the first 10 months of my first borns life. his excuse was work. I begged and begged for 1 day a MONTH. finally we were on vacation when he STILL wouldn’t let me sleep in at all. no excuse. it was that moment I really realized how selfish he was. I started packing up my suitcase and calmly told him that when we get home I am packing my bags and moving out. then I went to a friend’s house in the town we were visiting. it finally clicked for him. now we have 2 kids and I sleep in every other day off. talk to him with so much seriousness that he knows you will in fact divorce him if he doesn’t parent-up.
It doesn’t seem unreasonable with everything else. It’s probably sitting hairs but to me it seems like you gave birth and “we” had a baby is more accurate. Like the couple goes through the whole process of making a tiny person but birth is a specific thing.
But it kinda seems like you need to have a discussion of the larger issue of effort. Figure out if it’s a role confusion issue or is he just an asshole.
This might be harsh OP but you’re a married single mother. And since you’re doing all the chores, child rearing, cooking, and cleaning you’re actually a mom of two. I think your plan to move out and start fresh with your daughter is a great one. Drop the dead weight and be happy with your daughter.
In these situations I encourage you to ask yourself: Would your life be easier with, or without him?
There’s way more going on here than just what he said, but I’ll focus on that specifically.
Personally I’d just let him say it to people and watch them look at him like he has two heads because Lord knows I would if I heard someone’s husband say that.
Let him embarrass himself.
Re the other stuff: therapy. Massive big ole long couples therapy.
You are not being unreasonable. Can you imagine a life with this man? Years and years and years of this???? How about more children with him, and having it all go the same way.