I’m a male, early 30s, and I’m not sure what you would call this, I guess praise kink? Regardless, I really get off on emotional engagement, and what helps me get there are affirmations and reassurance that I’m a caring, affectionate lover. I want to hear that I’m loved, that I deserve to feel intense pleasure, that I’m cared for and worthy of affection, and that what I’m doing is amazing and pleasurable, and I want my partner to know how important she is to me, how much I want to please her, and how much she deserves to feel physically engaged and safe when we’re having sex. I want to give everything I can for her pleasure.
Being told I’m hot or that I have a nice dick doesn’t do much for me. I want to be engaged emotionally and let my partner know how much she means to me because I’m a very emotional kind of person. I enjoy being watched and putting on a show for someone and being praised for it too.
But I feel stupid for thinking this and I wonder if if it would just be awkward or cringey in practice. I’ve only had 1 partner and there was a little bit of this in our sex life, but our relationship was strained and it was hard to go all the way with it for fear of ridicule.
Maybe it’s because I’ve endured abuse and negative talk, but I just want to feel emotionally worthy of love and pleasure, especially because it motivates me to give it back twice as much. I might just be feeling lonely having gone so long without affection, but I really wish I could explore this more.
Does what I’m saying make any sense, and does anybody have any insight or feel the way I do?
13 comments
Stop worrying. Just tell your partners that you get turned on by positive praise. What woman wouldnt want to know how to turn her man on more?
Personally I would love to know my partner’s desires like this. I don’t think this level of vulnerability and intimacy can be achieved outside of a committed relationship.
It’s always a good idea to get some therapy and deal with your issues before looking for a partner as well.
Nah that’s not weird. Sounds very healthy, actually.
What are examples of phrases that you like best?
You’ve explained yourself really well here. Now go say this to a partner, after you’ve established a little trust. This is about as kinky as lightly degrading talk (eg ‘you’re a dirty boy aren’t you?’) and I would put it at a similar level of request. Which is to say *totally* doable, and no cringey at all with someone who is reasonably confident on the giving and receiving end.
As to why you feel the way you do… kinks are weird, man. Some of them have a logic, and some of them don’t. Knowing what works for you is far more helpful than knowing where it came from.
Mmmmm I like to hear how good it is and my name for sure….
Nah this isn’t weird at all. It’s very sweet and it would not faze me a bit if a man told me this. It does seem like something easier to share inside of a relationship. If you are seeking a relationship, I would suggest seeking a partner who is overall easygoing, kind, and gentle. I would also suggest that you find a therapist that you trust, if therapy is accessible to you, if you have experienced abuse. You will have a much better chance to start a new relationship off in a healthy pattern which can absolutely include affirmations in, and outside of, the bedroom.
That is the cutest thing ever! Hey, you be who you are! No judgement here.
Your feelings and the needs you described are valid and normal, especially when you are with an established partner. I’m a woman and I am definitely someone who gets off on being praised and praising others amongst many other kinks. For me, sex often does have to be extremely emotional to be good and have me feeling good after. I have to feel safe and secure and with that comes true affirmations. It’s not just about the physical sex and the acts that are being performed. When I start verbalizing how much another person means to me or they do the same for me, I know in that moment I am able to fulfil another person’s emotional, mental, spiritual, etc. needs. I’m elated and turned on even more. This is a very different form of validation that comes from a true place of love. It tells me that I’m not just a fuck toy, or being used for my body. Although, there is nothing wrong with that kind of sex. I dabble in that and quite enjoy it as well. I’m not sure you can get to the pure emotional sex initially with just anyone, it does take time. It also takes you being vulnerable with another person. Communicating your sexual needs is so important and honestly, it’s a turn on for me. Having someone tell me exactly what they want from me and knowing that will get them off is *chefs kiss*. There is no trial and error or feeling sad/disappointed when things get dry. I will say that some people may not be able to get to that level of emotional sex until they are committed to you. At the end of the day, sex will always be emotional to some degree and what you are asking for is that emotional part to be vocalized in real time. I do not think that is a big ask. Life is too short for sex that doesn’t fulfill you. If someone can’t fulfill your sexual needs because they aren’t comfortable or don’t bother to entertain/try them, they’re not for you. Sexual compatibility is so important in any partnership, whether it’s a short fling or a lifetime.
Praise kink including this kind of thing is hot af! I don’t even know that I’d call it praise kink (maybe if specifically included as part of additional kinks or if it were more standalone?) and more fairly normal and sweet. My longterm SO and I aren’t super vocal in this area but include at least a little bit of what you’re describing pretty much all the time and I don’t think it’s weird at all.
It sucks that your previous partner wasn’t someone you felt safe to share it with though.
That said… it’s going to be hard to find outside of a committed relationship just because it kind of requires the emotional connection to be there to begin with. While it feels completely normal for me in the context of my relationship if I were having a hypothetical casual hookup it’d probably weird me out but I don’t think that’s what you’re asking about anyway!
This is my ideal relationship and sex life so I’ll just say it’s not weird at all. I relate to what you said as well
I don’t find this cringy at all, completely the opposite actually. More often than not, women’s enjoyment, satisfaction and even safety during sex is an afterthought at best. It’s an unfortunately common complaint amongst women. I can’t speak for everyone but for me personally and the friends I’ve talked to about it, emotional connection and engagement during sex heightens the experience and makes it sooo much better than if it were JUST physical. It makes me sad that somebody would even have to question whether being a caring, attentive and selfless partner would be a good thing or not. We seriously need to normalize this kind of behaviour! It’s amazing to be treated like an actual human being and participant in the act rather than just some kind of sex doll or fleshlight (outside of specific kink activities) being used. The behaviour you’re referring to isn’t cringy it’s a breath of fresh air. Don’t let society’s toxic masculinity keep you from being yourself and having a completely healthy and fulfilling sex life. I guarantee there are many women who would greatly appreciate it and be more than willing to take part in the emotional and physical engagement you’re looking for. What you’re describing is exactly what many look for but rarely ever find. You’d be doing us all a favour and setting a good example for other men by helping to normalize treating women like sex partners and not just sex toys
I definitely don’t think you sound weird or not make sense. My boyfriend and I sometimes have really slow cuddle sex where we tell eachother how much we love eachother whilst slow kissing and just embracing eachother. It’s just another way we appreciate eachother. You are not weird at all if anything you sound incredibly sweet and would make a great lover. When you finally find the one they will be incredibly lucky to have you.