I am my own misfortune in relations
I desperately want and need healthy relationships…but I can’t make or keep them. I (22f) have general depression, and am getting diagnosed with ADHD. I am bad at being a good friend to myself, my friends, and even my family. I have always wanted to get, but not give in any relation. I don’t do the work to make myself deserving of good friendships.
I want to be main character, but without doing the effort to deserve it. For some reason I have been waiting for a training montage, that has never arrived, cause I still have to do the work. I am making myself to be a throwaway side character, where I do a lot of stuff…like vacations, hobbies and what not…but I don’t do a lot with myself. I am médiocre at best at all the things, including hobbies and after school activities that I have been doing in life. I haven’t done much character development. Not even once these past 22 years I’ve been alive.
(….That is lie, I did develop quite a lot when I was growing up, but my main quality of being a side character in my own life haven’t changed. Even if I was self absorbed this entire time, I still couldn’t make myself better. Or good enough for main character role)
And yet I am trying hard to be liked and being like everyone else, so I fit in. I want to be “that girl”, but I can’t make the effort to do it. I am lazy, and way too self absorbed in my own mind. I have issues seeing myself in the moment and how dumb I can be in the moment. I am great at maintaining relations that are habitual, and that are in the same space as me. As in school situations and work. My colleges seem to enjoy me, at least I believe they do. I am great at getting new friends and being likeable for some months, and I do make an effort in the beginning.
But, after that I have trouble maintaining relationships where I am not “pursued”. It always happens when I have moved to a new place. I meet people and I start a new “life”, and I am free of my old drab self…after some time, I get burnt out and stop caring about a lot of things. I stop maintaining my new relations, just like I have stopped maintaining my old ones, and then I become more depressed and tired. As I get more depressed, I also do a lot more self pity actions, like self isolate and blame others for my own mistakes and misfortune…
by then I barely have friendships and my poor family have to deal with my sorry self. I am a toxic person by that time, toxic to myself and toxic to others. The few friends I have left are people who, like me, get into unhealthy relations with people who are unhealthy.
I am going to a psychologist to fix my depression and to assess other neurodivergency. And I want to be more than I am right now. I want to be that person that has friends that meet for parties, hang out, play games, work out, and just supports each other through bad periods. I want to be that person that remember birthday’s and plan for holiday parties. I want to be important to someone who likes the same things as I do. But I haven’t seen others in the same position as me. And I haven’t seen them become that person. So I don’t know the way. Do any of you know?
(I tried posting this with a throwaway account, because I was embarrassed by myself, but it got removed because the throwaway was too new 🙈 so I guess I am posting like this)