Me [23/F] with my bf[33 M] of 1 year, refuses to have sex with me for 1 week. He’s using this as a form of punishment

40 comments

1. He’s a piece of shit.

2. This is not a healthy relationship. Leave him and let him know what it feels like to be totally alone. I truly hope you realize you deserve better than this, and this isnt the way someone treats you when they love you.

3. Do you not see the 🚩all around this relationship? First you are young and he is 10 years older, which is a bit concerning (but not a dealbreaker). He is treating you like shit, using sex as a weapon, and completely breaking your self confidence.

   You have nothing good to say about him or the relationship … why are you still with him?

4. This sounds very difficult. Probably not what you want to hear, but he sounds incredibly manipulative. You should be able to wear what you want – even nothing – and behave however you like in your own home.

   Using punishments to control you isn’t the sign of someone who loves you. It’s the sign of an immature fool, or someone who doesn’t care about you.

   I think you’d be best off leaving him. You’ll probably find more love and attention without him than you do with him. Although there might be good parts to the relationship, you shouldn’t be enduring this shit day in and day out, to recieve a modicum of affection here and there.

   On your own you’ll have more freedom, less judgement, fewer arguments, and fewer punishments. You’ll worry less. You’ll be able to give affection and receive it freely without condition. You’ll be able to wear no clothes and be comfortable doing so.

   Just my two cents. You’re time is better spent on yourself, and on someone who will not treat you with utter contempt for being who you are.

5. It made me very sad to read this.
   I know it can be really difficult to decide to break specially when everyone is suggesting it and you know somewhere in your heart this is what needs to be done…but you love them.

   But trust me, I know the feeling of not receiving enough affection, feeling unloved in relationship. It’s worse than the breakup. You are constantly unhappy. Please, trust that one part of you that knows you need to move on from this person to better things. You will free yourself from this depression and daily sadness. In a month’s time you will question yourself ‘how did I not do this sooner’.

   If his reaction to “I don’t feel loved” is “I’ll show you what unloved is” and punishing you?? Then what is left to wait for?

   Your future self deserves more. Trust her and leave.

6. What he’s shown you by ignoring your needs is that you don’t need him. Think of all time and energy you’d save by just moving on.

7. Dump him. He’s a walking red flag and you deserve better. It doesn’t matter why he’s doing it, he’s more than old enough to know it’s wrong.

8. dump his ass

9. Withholding affection and intimacy as a punishment isn’t love or anything close to it, just based on what you’ve described of the situation it’s clear he doesn’t value you as a partner. I think it’s time to call it quits on this relationship so you can find a partner that cares and values you as you are.

10. Get rid of him. He’s not a proper man.

11. You are in an abusive relationship. You already suspect this and we are here to confirm your suspicions.

12. My ex would withhold any form of affection. I became so out of tune with myself it hurt. Like physically hurt. I thought I was disgusting and unlovable.
    Turns out he is a narcissistic piece of shit. Just like your BF by the sounds of it.

    Dump his ass and go find yourself someone who doesn’t feel the need to “punish” you. And in the meantime remember to look after yourself. You’ll find someone who treats you how you deserve to be treated and perhaps even learn to treat yourself a little better along the way too.

    You’re better off without him. I promise you that! 💗

13. In my experience, the moment one of the partners start using sex as a weapon, sex life goes to shit.

    Sex is supposed to be something both partners enjoy. It’s depressing when one of them uses sex as a tool to reward the other when they “behave well”.

14. Lmao dump him

15. You have been conditioned to positively react to bad treatment. I’m really sorry.

    Please seek therapy, and work through this, hopefully you will find the confidence and inner strength to leave him, be alone for a bit to learn to love yourself, and then find someone who also loves you.

    This guy treats you like a child, the silent treatment is childish
    He lies to you
    He shames you for your body
    He has zero empathy for previous trauma

    I don’t see the upside. I know you love him (your said that elsewhere), but he doesn’t love you. That is not love. That’s someone who wants someone to sleep with on their terms.

16. Dude is abusive. Leave.

17. This is emotional abuse. Given he’s a decade older than you, it looks like he picked you because anyone his own age wouldn’t put up with his crap. Get out now while you don’t have a kid tying you to him for the next 18 years.

18. Why are you still with him? Why!? (Rhetorical only.)

    Who needs that.

    Everyone knows what you should do.

    Umm…

19. After your ‘punishment ‘ “…you’ll truly know what being unloved is” he said?

    Honey, you already know what it feels like to be unloved. Nobody treats someone they love the way he is treating you.

20. I was in an abusive relationship. I kept lying to myself that it would get better. It never does. Leave as soon as you’re able for your own mental well being Good luck to you .

21. I don’t see how that situation gets better honestly

22. Withholding affection is a form of abuse. I didn’t know that, until after I was out of an abusive relationship myself.

23. Please read *Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men* by Lundy Bancroft. [Here](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) is a free PDF. You are in an abusive relationship, though you may not yet be able to conceptualize it as such. This need to understand how his mind works, how he can treat you with such contempt, can eat away at you and keep you trapped. You may stumble into the pitfall of all the excuses that get applied to abusive men, like maybe he had a bad childhood or has addiction issues. You may be hopeful that if you love him enough you can fix him, heal him. You might think that all you have to do is figure out the magical chain of words that’ll get it across to him that his treatment of you is unnecessarily cruel and detrimental to your relationship, that you just need to communicate more effectively and then he’ll finally understand.

    But this isn’t a situation that love can fix. You can’t heal him. You can’t repair this with communication. Your boyfriend doesn’t love you. Not the way that you love him. You’re property to him, something he’s entitled to treating however he sees fit. When he thinks you’re stepping out of line, he believes it’s his prerogative to punish you in order to get you to behave according to his demands. Things will only get worse as time goes on. There is something deeply wrong with him and his worldview and you are powerless to change it. The only person who can change the mindset of abusive men is those men themselves, and they have to both acknowledge their own flawed mindset and put in the hard work to dismantle it. Virtually none of them will ever do this. They have little motivation to because they *benefit* by being abusive. They lord over their households and their girlfriends/wives, get to have things their way, and derive deep satisfaction from the control they exercise.

    Get out asap. The longer you stay with him the more long lasting spiritual damage he will inflict. Read up on [traumatic bonding](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Traumatic_bonding) to prepare yourself for how painful leaving can be. Abusive relationships wreak havoc on your brain chemistry. The highs and lows can make you feel quite literally addicted to your abuser and severing ties with them can feel like going through withdrawal. When I left my abuser it was physically excruciating. It is incredibly important to go completely no-contact. I can’t stress this enough. Block him on everything, never respond to any attempt of his to reestablish contact, and know he may attempt to do so for years. You can’t be friends with him. You can’t allow him any presence whatsoever in your life. He will only use it to worm his way back in. He will say whatever he needs to, make whatever empty promises he needs to, to get you back. Don’t believe him. If he’s actually committed to changing, he’ll do it without you. You can love someone whilst simultaneously realizing they are poisonous and will never change. You need to decide whether or not you will tolerate being abused and miserable your entire life, because that is the only future you have with this man.

    Lastly, you need to do a shit ton of introspection and self-healing. Something made you vulnerable to this abuse, made you susceptible to tolerating it. It probably goes much deeper than body image issues, though that’s not a bad place to start. Someone failed you, most likely a caregiver in your formative years (do any of [these](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory#Attachment_patterns) attachment patterns ring true?). You weren’t taught to love and respect yourself wholly, to know with every fiber of your being that you deserve on a fundamental level to be treated with warmth and dignity. You weren’t taught to oust people from your life who don’t meet you in good faith, to suss out users and people of ill-intent. None of this is your fault. But now, unfortunately, the burden falls on you to teach yourself lessons that someone else should have taught you sooner. You need to learn to love yourself, to never tolerate mistreatment, to have the minimum standard that you be treated with a basic level of decency. Read *The Gift of Fear* by Gavin de Becker ([here’s](https://www.docdroid.com/ncSUPFn/book-the-gift-of-fear-gavin-de-becker-pdf) a free PDF) if you have trouble trusting your gut. You’ve probably known for a long time that your boyfriend poses a threat to you but society taught you to ignore your instincts. That needs to change.

24. My ex wife was manipulative like this. She would withhold affection and if she didn’t think I’d suffered enough from it she would extend the punishment. You should take note of the red flags and move on before thigs get really complicated and harder to end.

25. Girl, why stay around for this?

26. He is being… selfish, unempathic… he is displaying narcissistic traits.
    He is devaluing now. There are phases.

    The punishment, I would understand if it was in D/s Relationship with mutual consent on the top! But then again if it was like I am saying then you would not create this post.

    But it is not the reality right now.

    Need an excuse to get out? “Our Libidos don’t match.”

    Have an serious conversation with, if he refuses to take time to do so… well ask yourself do I want to be in a relationship with that person.

    Fuck… OP I wish you the positive, strong, brave energies for you. If you have someone who you really really trust, vent with that person. Not talking bad about your partner but more in a way of describing his behaviors also acknowledge your actions and feelings.

    OP one more question: Does he know how to resolve conflicts?

27. This is called coercive and controlling behaviour in the uk. You have answered yes to many of the domestic abuse questions that authorities use to establish if a relationship is abusive

28. He sounds horrible. Unless your into being punished and it’s part of your relationship (which i get the feeling it’s not) leave. Your dating a terrible human and frankly doesn’t respect you at all.

29. fuck this guy.

30. Dump him. Anyone who uses sex as a weapon isn’t with it!!!

31. This isn’t love, it’s control. Sociopaths will show you just enough love to get you hooked and then weaponize it against you. That’s what this guy is doing. Leave him and get into therapy if you can so you don’t keep falling in to a pattern.

32. SEX is NOT a bargaining tool! LOVE is NOT a bargaining tool! OP PLEASE leave this guy. This is abusive and toxic behavior and this is NOT how a healthy relationship should work. NO ONE should use love, intimacy or sex as a behavior modification method! BULLSHIT! This is WORSE than if my boyfriend didn’t do the dishes like I asked him to so I withheld sex from him! NO! Absolutely not! Please, please leave this “man” OP. You deserve FAR better! And there IS better out there!

33. Hey OP, I’m in age gap relationship like you, however I am a woman and the older person in my relationship.

    Probably going to get downvoted to oblivion because Reddit generally hates age gap relationships, and I get that. They can be very toxic.

    But I don’t care, this message is for you and you alone.

    Whenever there is a power imbalance in a relationship, whether it’s an age gap, or a huge wage gap/SAHM or Dad, or a communal network imbalance, the onus is on the person who naturally has the upper hand to dismantle that imbalance.

    I have a set of guidelines I abide by – sort of a system of checks and balances – to keep my age gap relationship healthy. I’m not saying it’s the ultimate set of rules all power imbalanced relationships should abide by, but I do look at other situations like yours and ask myself if the person with the naturally occurring upperhand is doing anything close to them.

    My goal is to make sure my boyfriend always has freedom, a balanced amount of power in our relationship, and full self-expression. My guidelines are based on that.

    So here they are:

    1. Full self-expression: Every disagreement or difficult conversations has the option of being had in front of a couple’s therapist who we both feel comfortable with. For the VERY reason you’re going through right now. I would never manipulate my boyfriend like this, but you should be allowed to have an impartial 3rd party, who is also a trained mental health professional, present.
    2. Freedom: My boyfriend lives his life and makes his life decisions how he wants to, without criticism or judgement from me. From his decision to get out of the military instead of renew his contract, to the new car he bought, to buying expensive Star Wars lego sets – it’s his life and his choice. It does make me wince sometimes, as I just watched him eat a bag of M&M’s for breakfast – but he’s a grown man and can make his own choices.
    3. Power: I encourage him to spend as much time as he can and wants to with his friends and family – enabling a strong network of people who love him and have his back is how I can make sure he’s supported through means outside of our relationship.
    4. Power and freedom: I make 12x’s what he does. Our lifestyle is more expensive than he could afford alone. I have set up an account, that only he can touch, with enough money for him to get his own apartment, and live comfortably for a few months. If he ever wants to break up, I never want him to feel stuck with me, or feel trapped. I want him to have the freedom and power to make that decision, and act on it.
    5. Power: “No” is a complete sentence. For anything and everything.

    I just don’t feel like your boyfriend is respecting and abiding by any of these notions. And obviously he’s not read my guidelines, but my point is, I feel like any person with a genuine desire to keep their partner happy and healthy would consider similar ways to make sure they’re not taking advantage of their partner.

    Your boyfriend appears to not consider anything on a remotely similar scale. He’s manipulating and using you. He’s trying to take away your self-expression by punishing you when you express yourself. He’s taking away your power by intentionally making you feel insecure. And he’s taking away your freedom by making you dependent on his approval.

    This man is not your partner, he’s a predator.

34. I know it’s easy for people to say “leave” like it’s easy but it’s not. especially when you have low self esteem, nowhere to go, have never had to take care of yourself (talking about myself here, I’m sure some of you can relate) it’s scary. And when you don’t understand your self worth it’s incredibly hard to be like you know I don’t deserve this shit see ya. I was with my ex for ten years, we got married and had two babies even though I always felt like we were friends more than lovers. By the time I left he was an alcoholic and treated me like trash most of the time…I wouldn’t change it because I love my babies but I was not happy and did not like myself. My ex had a thing for big boobs too and I was like you I just wanted to get implants so bad like that would fix things, it wouldn’t have. I am so happy I left. I still can’t believe I did it nobody thought I would go through with it. It was awful and for a week I just cried, not because I was sad but bc it was such a huge change and it was scary. I’m with an amazing guy now he makes me feel beautiful, and he loves my boobs lol I have higher self worth now than I ever have in my life. It’s hard to leave but it’s so worth it. I agree that you shouldn’t be with him he sounds mentally abusive but I know it’s scary. Find a way out girl you can do it!

35. Break up with him and tell him “now you can know what it’s like to truly not have a girlfriend anymore”

36. He sounds highly toxic and manipulative..run baby, run!!

37. You deserve better than this. I also think you should try and get some therapy.

38. I was gonna say, he sounds abusive. Then I read some of your comments, and I’m saying he straight up IS abusive.

    Love is a feeling; we can’t control if we have it or not.
    Abuse is 100% a choice.

39. He’s deliberately withholding physical affection to teach you a lesson?

    We’ll he’s certainly taught you that he’s a controlling weirdo so I guess there’s that.

    Return the favor and teach him the lesson that behavior like that gets you dumped.

40. LEAVE this fool‼️