UPDATE: Potentially promising….He called me tonight. We didnt discuss what happened per his choice, and I didnt push it. We spent just shy of 3h on the phone. Hoping this is a good sign.
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I (27F) have been with my partner (27m) for 10 years now. Its always been a little rocky, but we made it work.
Now, I’ve REALLY gone and messed up. I am ready to admit I have anger issues that have gone unresolved for the past 10 years, and no healthy coping skills due to upbringing, but after this week’s outbursts over a very stupid thing, he seems completely done. Won’t talk to me at all about non work things (i lost my job due to cutbacks and now we work together so…yaaaay).
Ive had more chances to figure this out than i should have, but never could admit i have a problem. How do I make him see that this time is actually different because i realize there’s a genuine problem and am trying to fix it, and that he should give me another chance?
TL;DR I realized i have anger issues after blowing up over something stupid again and possibly ruining a 10 year relationship in the process. How do i make him see that its different this time because i admit theres a problem and am working on it, and give me another chance?
9 comments
You may want to focus on addressing your anger rather than focusing on the relationship at this time.
>I am ready to admit I have anger issues that have gone unresolved for the past 10 years, and no healthy coping skills due to upbringing
After a certain point, you don’t get to blame your upbringing for your behavior. 10 years of unresolved anger issues is plenty of time for you to have gotten into therapy and learned coping skills. The fact that you didn’t is on you, not on your upbringing.
I don’t say that to shame you, but to say that you won’t be able to get better unless you take accountability and responsibility for your own mental health. And you certainly won’t convince anyone to give you another chance if you’re still blaming other people for your actions.
>Ive had more chances to figure this out than i should have, but never could admit i have a problem. How do I make him see that this time is actually different
You can’t “make him” do or feel anything. You can tell him what steps you are taking to improve and hope that if you take those steps, that he will see those changes and that it will be enough for him. But you have to understand that 10 years of putting up with an unhealthy relationship causes a lot of damage to a person. Just because you’re willing to change now doesn’t mean you can undo the damage you’ve already done.
You need to admit you have a problem and want to change for yourself, not for someone else. Even if he decides he is completely done, you need to accept that and work on improving. Otherwise you’re not genuine about wanting to change in the first place
How many times in the past have you told him that? How many times have you said you wouldn’t do it anymore, you were going to improve… And then did it again? He doesn’t have any reason to believe you right now.
Get help. Get your issues worked on. Get a therapist, take it seriously. Then work on getting him back.
No hear me out this time I really mean it… I’m not telling you what to do but have you read about any personality disorders and do any seem to feel like they fit? You can’t fix this on your own you may admit you need help but you also have to accept maybe he’s fried and just ready to be done.
Go to a therapist. Immediately.
Sign up for an anger management class as well.
Show the proof to him and look him in the eye and say, “I’m serious about changing.”
And then effing do it.
There’s literally nothing else you can do because your words are bullshit now.
Do exactly what you would do if you were focused on fixing your issues and not on your ex relationship. Go to therapy. Sign up for anger management therapy too. Practice the things you learn there. Don’t convince your ex you’re changing your ways – just “change your ways*, consistently, over a long period of time. Your actions are what matter here.
That might get him back or it might not but it’s what you have to do next, regardless.
It sound like you’ve done nothing for 10 years unless something is missing from the post, and now only want to do something because he finally had enough and left. So you didn’t put in the effort until it affected you?
You may not be able to get him back. But regardless, you need to stop blaming your upbringing and take responsibility for yourself. Make a therapy appt and as someone else said, sign up for anger management classes. Start doing meditation/yoga.
Depending on where you are there are al lot of FREE resources for mental health. The issue is that YOU have to do the work to find and follow through.
You say you want to but your responses offer only excuses. Also in one of your responses you state that you normally “demand” he do something, that’s more than just anger issues.
Seems like you finally pushed to far and he finally had enough. You no longer have a punching bag. I’m hella proud of him for finally seeing he doesn’t deserve that. Actions have consequences so take this opportunity better yourself and let this guy go.
>How do i make him see
A good start would be respecting him as a person, who has the right to make his own choices, and stopping yourself from thinking in terms of “making” him do something!