My fiancé (29M) and I (30F) have been engaged for almost two years. I haven’t started wedding planning and don’t know if he’s my forever person. I’ve been questioning everything lately and am considering leaving him. He’s honestly the nicest and best person that I could ask for but at the end of the day I don’t know if he’s the love of my life. We recently moved to a different state for his job and I supported his plan completely. Now I’m really missing our old home and friends. I followed his plan to move because he was miserable and all I wanted was for him to be happy. But now I’m not sure that I’m very happy. We have a few more issues than just the move, such as, our cultural differences, he is a jealous person and doesn’t trust me fully, and I don’t want to engage in sexual activity with him very often. I have made it very clear that I do not want children but I believe he thinks that one day he will change my mind. Anyway, wondering if it’s normal to have wishy washy feelings and if anyone has been in a similar situation. He’s the sweetest man ever and my best friend in the world so I don’t know how I can bring myself to hurt him. Leaving would definitely be one of the hardest things to do if it’s what I decide. It’s kinda hard to imagine my life without him though. Would love to hear some advice or similar stories. Thanks!
15 comments
If you are not entering marriage with enthusiasm, I’d rethink moving forward.
People have reservations for a reason. Every person I know that has moved forward despite reservations grew to regret it.
The fact that you don’t want to engage in physical activity is likely going to make him miserable then you even more miserable. Just check out the dead bedroom sub. Good luck
Marrying him sounds like a mistake. I think you know that deep down. The kid thing is a big one. You want different things and you will resent each other.
If you’re already feeling like maybe you shouldn’t marry him then you definitely shouldn’t marry him.
1) the jealousy/lack of trust issues
2) you aren’t on the same page about having kids
3) you don’t want to have sex with him very often.
These are three BIG reasons to not marry someone. He may be sweet and your best friend but that doesn’t mean he should be your husband. Leaving is hard but divorcing in a few years when these problems become unavoidable is even harder.
For the both of you, just end it. It’s hard, it’s not simple, but the best thing for the two of you is probably not to get married.
Listen to that gut of yours. It’s a gut instinct for a reason.
You know what would hurt him more? If you go through with it only to divorce later or to be miserable together.
Good luck
In my opinion no it’s not normal to feel wishy washy about it. If you’re having reservations it’s for a reason. I’d have a conversation with him about your concerns and see what he has to say
Wait! You have sone red flags here! He is jealous? You don’t want kids but suspect he may try to change your mind? Your gut is telling you no? You are lonely for hone? Run!
Yeah don’t get married if you’re this unsure
Listen to your gut ALWAYS! Don’t get married, it’s easier to leave now than go through a whole divorce when you had reservations before marriage
>he is a jealous person and doesn’t trust me full
IMHO that’s a deal breaker #1. Why would you want to spend your life with someone who doesn’t trust you?
>I don’t want to engage in sexual activity with him very often.
That’s potential deal breaker #2. Why would you want to spend your life with someone you don’t feel comfortable engaging in sex with?
> I have made it very clear that I do not want children but I believe he thinks that one day he will change my mind
This is a deal breaker #3. He will either force you to have kids or leave you for someone who will give him kids. The biological urge to reproduce can be all-consuming for people who have it.
Either way, you won’t end up happy.
That’s 3 deal breakers.
Honestly, it doesn’t sound like you’re all that compatible.
If he wants kids with a woman who doesn’t mind not trusting her, let him find her.
If you are at this point before marriage. Run.
You don’t need us to tell you what you already know. I married my ex husband and had multiple reservations and doubts about it but went ahead with it because it’s what I was “supposed to do.” I had been with him so long that I didn’t think I could back out. I wish I had.
Now I’m married to my best friend and I have ZERO regrets or doubts or fears or anything negative. That’s what you need to find. Pure, unfiltered, secure love. Good luck, OP.
“Love of your life” lol such a stupid cliche’. 8 billion people in the world and you think there is such a thing. Grow up and break up and let that poor bastard move on.
Don’t marry anyone who you’re not dead-lock certain that you want to spend your life with. I would have run through fire to marry my wife.
I think you have some valid reasons to be concerned as others have pointed out. I’ll add this though.
> at the end of the day I don’t know if he’s the love of my life
I think this is Disney movie bullshit. I don’t think the “love of your life” or “the one” exists. Whether it’s this guy or someone else I think that’s important to understand. A big part of love is choosing and acting. Choose to love your partner. Do things for your partner.
That doesn’t mean you ignore major issues though. Don’t overcorrect too much into the “no one is perfect” way of thinking either. It’s hard to be married successfully if someone doesn’t trust you. Know and address the real problems. Cultural differences usually aren’t the real problem but values are. If his culture, for example, says women shouldn’t work but you want to work, the real problem is the value. Some people have those values even if their culture doesn’t necessary say it.