My boyfriend (25M) and I (26F) have been together for nearly 3 years. When we first got together we fell for each other very quickly. Within a month we had dropped I love yous and immediately starting spending all of our time together. 5 months later we moved in together. Before we moved in together we talked a lot about marriage. He asked for my ring size and what I liked. I really expected that once we moved in together he would propose.
As soon as we moved in together all talks of marriage stopped. He expressed he wasn’t ready and I understood because we hadn’t been together that long and we’re still pretty young!
Fast forward and we have now been living together about 2.5 years. We spend a lot of time together, I moved across the country for him (he got a job in a new city), sold my car so that he could keep his in the city, and we share everything. Our relationship is fantastic other than the fact that the has put off proposing. For the past few years he had said “soon” and a few other things about wanting to marry me, but when we discuss he still says he’s “not ready”.
I’ve asked what this means and he says he has no idea. I ask him to give it some thought and let me know and months/years go by and he still doesn’t know.
I’ve asked him what scares him about marriage and marrying me and he says nothing. He tells me he’s sure that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me but still has no idea what’s holding him back or when that might change.
I feel like I’m wasting my time a bit here. I want the commitment of marriage and he knows that. The longer he waits the less secure I feel in this relationship.
TLDR: my boyfriend isn’t ready for the next step in our relationship that I’ve been waiting 2 years for him to take.
8 comments
Marriage should be special and should feel right for everyone involved and shouldn’t be something your pushed towards by your S.O
In my opinion if everything is going as well as you say you shouldnt need to worry. If I was being asked about it I think it would make me hesitant as it wouldn’t feel as if it was my decision, so maybe decide wether or not your willing to wait for him to be ready and if so don’t mention it to him for a while
TLDR do what feels right to you, if you feel marriage is what you want, don’t settle for less. However you can’t control wether or not he is ready so maybe you need to move on?
Sounds like you both need to have a serious discussion about timeline because it appears that you guys are at different places in your life. You also need to be prepared to walk away from this relationship. He is not sure about marrying you, and he is dragging it out as long as he possibly can. It is likely that deep down he doesn’t think you are the one, but he is holding on to the relationship because he is comfortable. You shouldn’t have to practically beg someone to marry you. You need to find someone who is on the same page and timeline as you, and truly wants to spend the rest of their lives with you. Trust me, when a man is sure about you, he doesn’t need convincing. Move out, and move on.
When it comes to marriage, it’s the same as it is with children: Everything that isn’t a “hell yes” is a “no”. The reasons are, in the end, not important. He doesn’t want to. That’s what matters.
And you can’t depend on that magically ever changing. Maybe it will, but if he is honest and it’s really more of a gut feeling than anything else and there’s nothing to “work” on, then I wouldn’t feel assured that it would ever change.
On top of it, even if he would propose now, you’d know that it would only be for you and not because he wants to marry you. Which he doesn’t. Is that what you want? Hopefully not. So that means that ultimatums also are very counter-productive – you might get him to propose with a “Marriage or we split up”-ultimatum, but it wouldn’t be made out of love and might lead to loads of resentment later.
So honestly, you can’t change him to suit you. You can only change yourself. And that means evaluating if you want to be with this man *how he is, not willing to marry you* and if you’re able to be happy that way. And if the answer is “No”, then the change you might have to look at might be breaking up. Of course, there’s also couples counselling, which might help him explore why he feels unwilling to marry you, but if he’s not on board with that, it’ll be useless – but at least it’s something you could suggest.
Personally I wouldn’t wait around. It sounds like he got comfortable when you guys moved in together and doesn’t see the “point” in getting married (he is getting all the benefits anyway). Guys like this can coast it out for years… ask me how I know.
I kind of agree with the other comments being made, but at the same time, he’s only 25. That’s still quite a young age to be married IMO. What’s the rush?
I had this problem with my now husband. I finally just got honest with myself. I asked myself if I wanted to be married…or if I wanted him. Because apparently I wasn’t going to get both. Turns out I wanted HIM. Married or not. So I quit bringing it up. If he brought it up I was noncommital and would change the subject. The pressure eased for us both. Lots less emotional pain. I stopped being twitchy and miserable about it and even stopped thinking about it anymore for the most part. He proposed of his own volition two years later. I was not buying it and told him to shut up. 😂 her we are now. Married 12 years, together for 19.
So do you want to be married? Or do you want HIM? Nobody wants to feel goaded into marriage. So just stop. You can’t control him. Just you. He may never marry you. Go forward as if that is true and get it peacefully into your heart. Then listen to yourself…you know what you really want. Will you be brave enough to listen to it, whichever way you fall.
I’d say give it another year and then ask for a concrete timeline – if he has no idea at 26, then that’s a no. Four years + well into adulthood = he should know the timeline he wants by then.
Make sure you don’t feel like you’re auditioning to be his fiancé – be yourself to check for real compatibility and don’t play the bangmaid. Make sure he’s with you for you, not because you make his life more convenient.
If he can’t express his feelings on it, I think it would be good to go to premarital counseling. It sounds like you both have some communication to work on together.