My Girlfriend got deported to Poland when the war started. We were in good contact until I did not hear any thing from her since end of may. She kind of ghosted me for 5 months and yesterday she called me and opened up to me.
She got raped in camp and then was on suicide watch because she tried to commit suicide. Then she was in therapy and was finally ready to tell me. She said she was ashamed to tell me and was thinking about lies what to tell me…
She said that she is not ready to be in any form of relationship and that she does not want to bind to anybody emotionally and physically – she just doesnt want to be „owned”. Me telling her that I don’t want to own her but going through life as partners, like co-op Mode in a game does not change that feeling. And i know that I will never be able to understand what’s going on in her mind – I can only try to and be the best help I can.
Since she contacted me after all these months of silence I know that she still has some feelings for me. Otherwise she would have never contacted me again.
I want to be the best help I can be, but I don’t know what to do. I am scared that I would only put pressure on her if I ask her to meet, and that she would be scared I might touch her (maybe even a hug is too much for her…).
I would be willing to put all my effort in making her feel better and wait for her to get healed that she maybe some day will be able to like me again. I know that deep down she kind of still does.
Can anybody give me some tips how I can help her to get healed without putting any pressure on her? Some way to really show her I am there for her no matter what happens, so that she can see that I will always have her back without „owning“ her?
Additional information:
– we are living in Germany in different towns with quite some distance – about 2 hours drive
– she has two kids who are living with her parents in the states (aged 6 and 7)
11 comments
Just be there mate, don’t bring it up don’t push her into anything just listen, don’t give advice, just let her know she’s heard. With that being said I wouldn’t but too much of myself into this relationship, she has gone through something traumatic and it will most likely not heal for a long long time, she may not ever be in a relationship again, if you want kids and a generic happy life understand that she may not be the one for you. I know it hurts to day but the sooner you understand the reality of not her situation but yours as well. Be a friend, don’t be a lover, don’t look at her like a lover, don’t talk to her as a lover, talk to her as a friend and help where you can, do not pause your life for her.
That’s really rough and I’m sorry that happened to her.
First I want you to ask yourself if you still want to be there for her if you never get back together. Full stop. Are you content to never date this woman again? Be really honest here. The last thing she needs right now is a man expecting things from her, and it very well may be a bad thing for her mental health to get back together.
If you’re alright with that offer her help on her terms. Don’t let what you want and need direct anything, and always give her a way out. Stuff like “I want you to know I’m still your friend and whatever you need I’m here for you”, “is there anything I can do to help?”, “if you need some support I can come visit, it’s no trouble” and “I’m making cookies, want me to ship you some?” If you meet do it in public, never block the exit, and just listen.
5 months no contact?
I think there’s too much here to unpack. I recommend taking her advice and splitting up permanently.
Time to move on.
Id give her space. Let her come to you just let her no that its nothing to be ashamed of
If she wanted to be talking to you she would be, honestly I’d just tell her your here for her and give her space.
>I would be willing to put all my effort in making her feel better and wait for her to get healed that she maybe some day will be able to like me again.
This is a super rough situation of course, and I sympathize. I think with this statement here though, you are kind of admitting that you have too many feelings for her to just support her as a friend without expecting anything eventually. You are hoping if you support her you’ll be able to date her again. I don’t think you can realistically offer support without pressuring her at some point, even by accident, sadly. Imo the only way to really avoid pressuring her is to accept that she wants to break up officially and just leave her be like I assume she asked. If she comes to you asking for support, that would be different entirely. It would be okay to send her a message saying you are here for her, but other than that I don’t think trying to convince her of anything is a good idea.
The best thing you can do is respect her autonomy, even if it involves not talking any longer. Don’t try to convince her out of her position, don’t tell her things like “I know you still have feelings for me” or anything like that. She said she wanted to be single, presumably she was calling to be nice and let you know what was going on as ghosting can be very hurtful, not to give you an opportunity to change her mind.
Let her know that you are safe person to talk to. You won’t be mad or judge her for anything she decides to tell you. You have no expectation but hope to hear from her. Then you go your separate way. If she does want something more, she’ll reach out.
Sorry to hear this happened, but try to focus your energy elsewhere until she asks for it. You’ll both survive this, just be kind and understanding.
Just be her friend. This is a life changing event for her and most certainly change her outlook on romantic relationships and relationships with the opposite sex in general.
How does a US Army soldier get deported to Poland?
First of all, I’m so sorry this happened to her. People fucking suck. How long were you dating before it happened? Sadly, she is no longer your girlfriend at the moment.
I don’t think cutting her off entirely is necessarily good for you or her, but you need to dial it way back. Have you talked since she you last reached out to her? If not, I would wait about a month and text her that you are there for her and are wondering how she’s doing. I would only reach out when she reaches out to you. Match her energy. Don’t even think about asking to meet – she has to be the one to suggest it.