I just found it out last night that my wife of 1.5 years cheated on me 3 years ago while on a work trip with a colleague. His wife informed me and I asked my wife and she broke down but didnt deny it. It was during a work trip, she was drinking with her colleagues and woke up in a colleague’s bed. She said it was one of the worst moments of her life but she didnt tell me out of fear that it would lead to the end of our relationship. Instead she decided to stop drinking and have better boundaries. Now I knew she stopped drinking around 3 years ago but didnt know the exact reason. Later she started therapy and apparently her therapist also told her that since it was a one time thing and she was also making changes to make sure it never happens again then it wouldnt serve any purpose to tell me. On the contrary it would just cause trauma to me.
So she never told me. Now I am 90% sure she hasnt cheated in the past 3 years as she mostly works from home and there have been no red flags in her behavior which I can recall. But of course I cant be sure of it, hell it feels like I cant be sure of anything now. I have shifted in the guest room for now but I am really confused about what steps I should take. My marriage has been a very happy one till yesterday so its even more confusing. Is divorce the only way?
**Edit- So I got some more answers from the wife of the guy she cheated with. Apparently this is not the first time he has cheated and his wife asked him to confess everything or she would divorce him. Thats why he told her. And they work in the same company but he doesnt live in my city. But yes he is still in the same company.**
27 comments
Is divorce the only way?
Nope
You’re going to have lots and lots of questions. You’re questioning so many things, rightfully so. You feel betrayed, hurt, and so much more I’m sure. She took away your agency going into this marriage. Whether you divorce tomorrow or decide to stay, allow yourself to feel the emotions and grieve. It’s a traumatic event that took place 3 years ago that you’re just learning about, less than 24 hours ago. Coupled with you **only** finding out because of her affair partners wife.
I’d suggest individual counseling, marriage counseling, and also check out r/survivinginfidelity or r/asoneafterinfidelity regarding staying in the marriage and reconciling or not
Good luck
eta:
People are saying she may have been sexually assaulted or raped. I thought about that but the fact she’s been seeing a therapist regarding the encounter, therapist told her it was just a one time thing based off the info AND to not tell her husband, leads me to believe it wasnt sexual assault nor rape
You can divorce if you want to for any reason. If you’re happy in your marriage I personally would try and work it out.
Assuming I’m understanding you correctly, and she’s being honest, this sounds more like rape than cheating. Maybe not tie her up and force her rape, but black out drunk and not who she would be sober rape. Especially with the shame and change in her behavior.
We don’t know your relationship so what you do in the end isn’t something we can tell you. My advice is therapy for you as a couple and you individually. For the two of you it’s to work on moving past this. For you individually it’s to work on what you personally need and what the best outcome for you personally is.
Don’t expect this to be ok overnight but it is something you can come back from if that’s what you both want
I’m sorry this is happening to you. It’s going to be a long time before you feel OK with it, if ever. I think your wife did her best to change her behavior, including seeking professional advice about it. Divorce is not the only way, but it might be one you choose. That’s ok. It’s also ok to try to sort it out. Marriage counseling might be a good idea first.
Hmm. Honestly, if my partner were to get black-out drunk and wake up in someone else’s bed, I would be more concerned about his lack of consent to any sex acts than his being “unfaithful” to me. I understand it hurts to think of your spouse being with someone else and not telling you about it for years, but I do think context matters in this case.
Divorce isn’t the only want and my recommendation is to be honest with her and tell her that what she has done isn’t fair and hurts and is going to take a long time to work through this betrayal.
So classically what happens when you find out you been cheating on and you want to save the marriage you do the following.
* Admits to the full affair, taking responsibility for their action
* Getting a therapist… yes she has already done that but now she needs to go back and you need a therapist as well. You two need to start healing as individuals first before you two can really start healing as a couple again.
* She has to hand over all her passwords… phone… emails… accounts… also put a monitor app on her phone so you can track her gps and who she is messaging and block apps and other bad sites… also you two need to work out a program that deal with her reporting back when she leaves and how long she is gone and when get places.
* She has to leave the job… she has to report her actions to HR and leave the job. I know its the holiday season and it might not be the best time but she needs to start making plans on leaving that company… I am not sorry you cheated on a work trip with someone you work with and you are still in contact with them at work…. yeah the job is an issue and that needs to change.
* You should talk the AP’s wife/ex…. you need to hear the truth from her about what all she was told to make sure WW is honest.
* Build you a support system… tell your family and her family and friends and ask for them to support you and respect your choice of divorce or reconcile
* Pray…. pray to find mercy and grace and forgiveness…. its a hard road a head but it can be saved
Its not easy and maybe its better to divorce young but you seem to love her and you are hurt by her so deeply.
There are subs here to support you both but please take one day at a time and know your feeling are validated.
Just hug her and tell her you understand and are grateful that she changed her behavior to be a better person.
You need to know if this is trickle truthing and more happened or if it truly is a one off.
Is she still in communication with this fella? If yes then why? Does she still go away on business trips? If yes then why?
Your wife:
The problem is this, you can never trust her. Doesn’t matter what she confesses to now or in the future. Without that, you can’t build this marriage.
The lying after the cheating shows 0 respect for the marriage and for you. If you look past this she will always look down on you as the guy who thought it wasn’t a big deal.
The Therapist:
Have her contact her old therapist so that she can inform that therapist that lying to her husband was the worst advice she gave and that she should never tell a spouse to lie to their spouse. Take a written statement from your wife along with any response the therapist makes and send one copy to her practice (if she has a boss) and issue a formal complaint to the board certification that issued her license.
Your wife should then leave a review online for her practice.
Lawyer:
Because your marriage is somewhat new ask a lawyer what the damage will be financially. But I would move fast. Make it quick and painless.
Family: Tell them the truth. Everything . People tend to protect their reputation by omission, like your way. That’s lying. Everyone should know the truth.
Future: You’re at a great age for a future. Do not sleep with your wife again! Important! After divorce. NC and Block. Thank her family and say bye.
If you ever decide to marry again. Please have a prenup in place, and have stronger boundaries and standards for the next girl. If you don’t ever mary again, I don’t blame you. The 21st century and marriage isn’t the best proposition for many men.
Sounds like dude took advantage of your wife after she was too far gone for legitimate consent. I’d try to work through this. She has obviously taken steps to prevent it happening again.
Will you be able to trust her again?
What else has she hidden over the years?
She woke up in a colleague’s bed? Sounds kinda rapey to me.
This is just my opinion, but if I found out my Wife slept with another man, and cheated on me while we were engaged, then proceeded to spend the next three (3) years telling me she loves me, while sleeping with me, and hiding that fact for the entire duration of our marriage, I would divorce her.
She’s sorry because she got caught. She obviously wasn’t overwhelmed with guilt on your wedding day.
It’s your call OP, but if I were in your shoes, I would find it very difficult to ever trust my Wife again, and I would refuse to stay married to someone I am unable to trust.
Take a step back here. She stopped drinking and started setting boundaries then she started therapy. What you described sounds like rape, especially since you didn’t know why she stopped drinking then she started going to therapy. I think this is out of reddit’s paygrade because there are a lot of people telling you it is inexcusable and she has hidden a ton from you. You know your wife. Do you think she whatever made those changes in her life after cheating or is this worse than cheating? Do you think her therapist agreed she didn’t need to tell you because it was not consensual instead of the therapist encouraging her to hide infidelity?Couples therapy would be a huge benefit in this situation.
> and woke up in a colleague’s bed
Are you saying she doesn’t recall what happened or are you leaving out the details for your own reasons?
If she was so drunk that she just “woke up” in someone else’s bed and, I assume, doesn’t remember exactly what happened… she was *not able to consent*. That’s sexual assault. Your wife is very likely a **rape** victim.
She may be feeling shame and guilt because she felt like she put herself in that situation by drinking but, at the end of the day, this slime ball took advantage of a blacked out woman and that’s not her fault whatsoever.
Couples therapy, ASAP.
Personally, I would not be able to trust her. Good luck.
Bear in mind that you received the information from the wife of her colleague, so from that perspective it’s going to be expressed as a consensual act.
But ask your wife if she legimately consented or if she actually feels more like she was sexually assaulted because she was so out of ot that she couldn’t consent. Honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if the colleague actually roofied her.
Op. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Truly.
Give yourself time to process this and get counseling for you and for you as a couple — whatever you need to help you.
Right now you are shocked, hurt, and reacting. Hopefully, you can put this in context.
Here’s what you can build on.
– You’ve been happily married for 3 years. It sounds like you love each other.
– Like many therapists, hers recommended against telling you for the same reasons that many therapists give.
– She may have been sexually assaulted or exploited by her boss. It doesn’t sound like she was in a state to consent. Please understand that this could be a more traumatic experience for her than either of you is considering bc you’re both focused on cheating and the hurt you justifiably feel. If he’s cheated before, he may have a pattern of taking advantage of female employees.
– She was horrified enough that she took immediate steps to prevent a recurrence, to create and maintain proper boundaries to make sure that she would not be similarly vulnerable or similarly compromised again. She learned a valuable lesson.
– If she’s certain that she was in a state to give consent, then know that people make mistakes and hers was before you were married.
Ask yourself, does she love you? do you love her? Do you have any other reason to mistrust her? Do you think people can learn and grow? And, if there’s something to forgive, can you? I say if bc the scenario you described sounds to me like she was in no condition to consent.
Best wishes to you both. You can get through this if you want to.
If you have kids, get a paternity test. File for divorce.
Do you really think this is the only time she’s done this? Think about the last time you wanted to have sex, and she complained that she was tired or you hadn’t showered…but of course, drunk coworker got to hit it anyway. F that, dude. Get out.
The wife’s therapist said not to tell OP. I’m therefore assuming this wasn’t rape and it was a fling. I’m also assuming the guy she slept with was also drinking. Maybe they raped each other?
I couldn’t stay with this kind of woman.
The number of people in this thread blaming the guy when the wife says she “got too drunk and woke up in his bed” is unbelievable. Of course that’s what she is going to say. Goodness.
No one here can tell you what to do. You can try to work through this, or you can bail. If it were me, I would probably divorce. Not necessarily because cheating is an automatic divorce, but for two reasons specific to your situation;
1. She only admitted it once caught. She would’ve taken this to her grave and in all honestly, will probably do it again at some point. A lifetime together is a long time. Cheaters rarely cheat once.
2. Most importantly, you don’t have much invested in this relationship. 1.5 years married, no kids (from what I can tell) and you’re young enough to cleanly cut ties and start fresh.
Those two would be the deciding factor for me. I would probably also take into account her actions now. Is she desperate to fix things? Is she committed to counseling. Would she leave her job (not saying she needs too, but it would go to her commitment).
Divorce is not the only way, but personally I would divorce her. No guilt, no regret to come clean the next day, week, month or even at all. You proposed – she didn’t tell you.
It was one of the worst moments in her life after she gave him head and allowed him to bang her. What else she can say? That she actually enjoyed it and didn’t care about you enough not to cheat? They will always say how bad they feel, how much they regret and they are sorry after they do it. Can’t be honest about how great it felt, because how would you react then.
Now she’s not facing any consequences only because she hid it for so long. She cheated and literally got away with it. Even better, she got married while hiding her affair.
She literally went behind your back and had sex with another man. She came back from that trip and didn’t cry when she looked you in the eyes knowing that she betrayed you. She was smiling and telling you about that trip like she didn’t do anything. You called her while she was on that trip and she told you that she loves you before and after f**king that guy.
I can bet she though about that night in a good way, going back in memories how all that happened and what wild s*x they had.
Ask her WHY? Why did she wanted to have s*x with him? How it happened? It wasn’t like they got drunk and teleported to bed naked. There was step by step and what lead her into wanting to have s*x with him? Why she decided to kiss with him, get naked and let him f**k her? Alcohol isn’t the reason, she wouldn’t have had sex with random ugly guy, so why did she do it?
Rape card being played here is just astonishing and totally neglecting the fact she hid it from OP, lied every second from then onwards , faked her vows on alter on marriage and was caught in the end.
Well since we can’t trust noone here, can we not say that maybe 1% chances are that OP’s wife took advantage to of the other guy when he was drunk.
I would go see a marriage therapist together to work through this revelation together.
I don’t think reddit’s gonna help you with this one. Half the posts don’t even want to hold the wife accountable when your wife herself talked to therapist about everything. More than half of this subreddit is filled with it. Other half just asking to straight up go for divorce. The best course of action would be for you to seek professional help, marriage counseling. Don’t go for divorce just yet.
See ya. Relationship ends today, full stop.