My partner suffers from major depression and anxiety. I also suffer from major depression and a host of other mental health issues. My partner has chosen not to work for the majority of our 3 year relationship, resulting in him owing me thousands of dollars. When I tell him how wrong it is that he makes me pay for EVERYTHING, he gets a tight jaw and says it’s because of depression / anxiety and that he’s “trying his best.” He has the same excuses every time.
So, why do I stick around? During the second year of our relationship I struggled with alcoholism so badly that it REALLY negatively affected him. I now feel that I owe him for I was once toxic and difficult to deal with.
How long do I have to suffer for past mistakes? Am I naggy and unfair for pushing him to work? I even wrote his resumes and cover letters. He is so invalidating when I point out my frustrations that sometimes I wonder if I am being ridiculous or unsupportive.
Tldr; partner doesn’t work and says it’s because of depression / anxiety. Should I push harder or is this just what partners do for each other?
10 comments
What his he doing to address the depression and anxiety?
First of all, you can break up with him at any time. Done with the relationship – break up.
Second, he says he is trying his best – what care is he getting for his depression?
Partnership should be about helping each other through difficult circumstances. Not one person saying to the other ‘I’m just going to give up work, I’m too depressed, so I’m going to let you deal with everything now and for the foreseeable future’ and then not lifting a finger to improve their situation.
That isn’t a partnership at all, that’s a parasite and its host.
Alcoholism, like depression, is not his fault but it is something you are responsible for managing and getting help for. You will never get your money back, you will never get your 20s back.
The only mistake you are suffering for is staying with someone who has no intention of getting a job and doing better, not your alcoholism.
Look, you’ve addressed your alcoholism (I’m assuming) and it’s wonderful that he supported you through that. That being said, you do not “owe” him unlimited financial support for the rest of his life.
His depression and anxiety are just as debilitating as your drinking was (IN THE PAST). He seriously needs to address his MH issues and get a damn job. If he’s not dealing with these issues, he isn’t trying his best. His best is somehow guilting you into continuing to support him.
>During the second year of our relationship I struggled with alcoholism so badly that it REALLY negatively affected him. I now feel that I owe him for I was once toxic and difficult to deal with
My dear, please hear me: This kind of transactional approach to relationships is a recipe for misery. You don’t “owe” him shit. I speak from experience. I was a bad person in my early 20s. I was a very toxic partner.
When I started to become a less shitty person, I punished myself for literal years. I became a spineless wuss, incapable of standing up for myself. I believed I had to pay penance for what I’d done. (Wasn’t raised Catholic but that shit is cultural, thus I picked it up anyway.) So I let men treat me badly. I let them walk all over me. I let them use me financially.
I kept telling myself: “you hurt people, sweet_esiban, so you have no right to say ‘don’t hurt me’.” I was wrong. I was so, so wrong. Yes, I fucked up badly in my past, but I still need to be treated with love and respect like **all** human beings need. All I really did was switch from hurting others to performing emotional self-harm.
Please stop doing this to yourself. I promise you, it leads nowhere good. If you can’t stop this mental pattern alone, I encourage you to see a therapist – perhaps someone who deals in CBT.
Now, as for your partner… I’m sorry he’s struggling so much. I have been so depressed that I can’t work. If it weren’t for my parents, I might’ve spent time on the streets. But you’re not his parent. You’re a young woman trying learning how to survive in the world. You do not have the means nor the responsibility to be a caregiver.
Leave him. You can’t save him, but you can still save yourself.
He’s a bum if he isn’t getting help or following through with getting help from a professional. Lesve if thats the case you don’t pwe anyone anything but yourself. If He’s seriously working on himself “baby steps i guess” and be supportive if you feel you should.
It’s a feeble and crap excuse.
If you leave him what will he do for food and shelter? Curl up and die?
Time to adult tf up and stop being a leech IMO.
Plenty of people with mental health issues manage to maintain a life
He is not going to get better until he has to. As lo g as you make it work he won’t have to.
For both of you – leave.
Yes it is going to be hard but….
My ex spent most of that relationship. Chronically unemployed.
Stop wasting your money on them. 3 years is enough. Guess if that money was worth it for me.
Make this relationship conditional on them finding a job and starting to pay their way.
What’s their plan if you dump them???