Hey everyone,
Wanted to get some advice on how to deal with feeling overwhelming guilt because of your part of actions and events that led to a breakup.
Me (22M) and my ex (22F) were in a 1-year long relationship that turned into an LDR once I had to move countries for my Masters, and the breakup happened about 7.5 months ago. She came to visit me to pick up her stuff from my apartment in June, and we’ve been in NC since, so about 5 months.
Towards the end of the relationship, a lot of trust issues started arising from both of us, with distance not helping at all. Our communication was deteriorating, and I heard from my friends that my girlfriend is talking to her ex with whom she was with before me, and who was still in the same city. I tried to suppress my jealousy and insecurity, and I did not bring it up with her. The biggest fight that we had happened about a month before a breakup, and it was a mistake that I did. I had a mutual friend – a girl – visit me in my city and stay at my apartment, and I only briefly mentioned it to my gf but was vague about it, not being clear that this friend would be staying at my apartment. As a result, my girlfriend was very hurt by me not being clear, insinuating that I was lying. In hindsight, I knew that it could disappoint her, and was trying to avoid conflict, but I had never at all had any intentions to hide anything from her or cheat – I just made a careless decision to try to wing it.
While I know that I would have never cheated or done anything even remotely close to it, I feel guilty over the situation and cannot forgive myself for handling it better. What made it worse is that during the fight I brought up for the first time her being in touch with her ex, when it was probably incorrect to make myself the victim of the situation. We couldn’t find a common ground with her over the next month, couldn’t reestablish communication, and broke up. Alas, my fears came true, as she did get back with that one ex and they moved together to another country, from what I’ve heard from our mutuals, and they have been together for some months now. Again, in hindsight, it even seems that she could have been projecting her trust issues because of how she felt towards that ex, but I feel like me thinking about it that way is a subconscious attempt to get out of responsibility for my own actions.
I started going to therapy some weeks before the breakup, but have not been feeling much progress with it lately. Currently trying out meditation and it actually seems to bring some peace although very temporarily. Unfortunately, I lost not only her but also some mutual friends in the following months, and have been struggling with loneliness having a weak support system around me, as I am studying abroad. Overall the relationship felt like I was playing it on hard mode, and this breakup is on some ultrahard level, even months later.
Would appreciate any advice on how to stop ruminating and move on.
**TL;DR: Struggling to move on from mistakes I made in the past relationship 8 months after a breakup, can’t move on from my ex as she got back with her other ex. Having a tough time mentally this whole year and looking for advice on how to feel better.**
2 comments
Concentrate on the things about her you were not so keen on. Work on yourself, and start talking to and having sex with new women. Also I always recommend practicing meditation to become unattached and self contented.
A little advice, don’t keep secrets, be open and honest about everything. The female friend that stayed the night? Big no no. Don’t know what the circumstances were but the correct way to handle that is, I’m sorry you can’t stay, it will look bad. My gf doesn’t know you and I have to think of her. Would you want a guy friend staying with her? Not saying the breakup was your fault but she has obviously moved on and you need to as well. Look at this relationship as a learning experience. We all have them.