[TW] I don’t know if this counts as abusive. But I don’t know how to heal from it.

I don’t know if I’m gaslighting myself or if this was actually abusive/wrong and is supposed to effect me the way it is.

5 years ago, I started dating someone. I was 18 when it started. I think I was afraid of him throughout the relationship. He was physical with me only only once. Sexually, while he did not ‘sexually assault’ me or anything, my no was never respected and there were several occasions where I gave in and just said yes after repeatedly saying no because it was just easier. To a point where I would just lay there silently waiting for it to be over.

Emotionally/mentally, he was kind of controlling. I wasn’t allowed to spend the night at any of my friends places. Now, mind you, this was college and we were all heavy drinkers. There were countless nights where I was piss drunk and still ubered halfway across the city after midnight to his house because that’s how he wanted it. And our city is not safe for women at all.

When we started dating, I’d just gotten out of a relationship with my high school boyfriend who was still trying to get me back. This ex was extremely triggered by our contact and even called him and threatened to get him killed at one instance.

He did have anger issues. He hated my circle of friends and I got shit whenever I spent too much time with them.

I never told anyone any of this. Until today, I always tell people I’ve only dated amazing people whenever they bring up my exes. 80% of this started after I cheated on him and confessed so I guess I always blamed myself when he treated me like this.

I recently took a self defense class that triggered memories from a couple of instances where I felt unsafe with him.

I then proceeded to have a complete mental breakdown.

I did not realize all of this affected me in any way until this week. Now I’m trying to make sense of the relationship and I’m trying to start seeing it for what it really was. I don’t know if this was abuse, but I guess it’s something my ‘body’ remembers even if my mind tried to suppress it.

I now realize that my inability to say no, me always freezing whenever a man did something non-consensual to me after this relationship, it all stems from my no never being respected in this relationship.

What I don’t know is how to heal or move forward now that I recognize the problem.

So… idk. Just looking for your opinion or advice on how to heal I guess.

TL;DR: BJJ training brought up trauma I didn’t know I was still carrying. Not sure if the relationship was abusive. Wondering how to heal from it and move forward so I’m not randomly triggered into panic attacks