So my fiancé 40f and I 40m have been together for a year and a half. Our sex life is pretty active, averaging around 3-4 times a week. We have gone a week without having sex partly because she was on her period and the last 3 nights she was not in the mood even though I was, which I completely understand and am ok with. Today she tells me she wants to have sex, I was honestly not in the mood and could not get myself to be in the mood mentally no matter how hard I tried. She was visibly bothered by this but again I just couldn’t get myself there so I just pushed through with the day. I noticed she went to the bedroom and was there for a bit so I called her to come to the living room and watch tv with me because I wanted to hang with her. She wouldn’t come ( no pun intended lol) so I asked what she was up to. She come out the bedroom and said she was masturbating because I wouldn’t have sex with her. She then tells me that if I don’t want to have sex with her she’s going to go ahead and use her vibrator. She also mentioned that she told me she wanted to have sex and that this is what happens because I said no.

I have zero problem with her using a vibrator or masturbating, zero. I cut back my masturbation because it was affecting our sex life but that was my choice and she should be free to masturbarte as much as she desires as long as i doesn’t affect our sex life. My concern is her intention, I feel like she did it as a punishment and that to me is a big problem because weaponizing sex or sexuality is a big red flag in my book. In my mind it becomes well if I am ever having a sexual lull that is not due to her am I going to be punished? Is there a long jump from a vibratorio to another man?

TL;DR
Is my fiancé weaponizing sex by using her vibrator when I’m not in the mood and then acting like it’s a punishment?

9 comments

  3. She wasn’t really weaponizing sex, her ego was bruised. It’s hard for women to understand a man not wanting or being physically able to engage in sex. Many women feel its a direct insult and take it offensively. They think “I’m hot, I’m here, I’m willing, and if you can’t get it up, it must mean you’re not attracted to me.”

    It may have just been her tone or frustration manifesting, but I wouldn’t immediately jump to her using sex as a weapon of her vibrator as a punishment.

    My advice is to try and find enjoyment in her pleasure devoid of your own; in as much, even if you’re not in the mood, try and maybe please her orally or use the vibrator on her yourself. Just because the star player is on the bench doesn’t mean the game can’t be played.

  4. “Fair enough, have fun!”

    Don’t engage. If you’re right and her intention IS to punish you, any reaction from you will feed in to that.

    I think you’re probably over thinking things by assuming this will eventually escalate to cheating, though.

  5. Holy crap you went from her using a vibrator to your fiance weaponizing sex!!!

    Wtf, she was horny. It would have been a bigger issue if you walked in on her.

    Next time you should have just said, “I’m always here to help you out, even if I’m not in the mood”

  6. In one word, yes, she is weaponizing what should be a normal activity and practice and somehow twisting it into a “punishment” that you “brought upon yourself.”

    I mean, when my wife or I are in the situation that you described, we will often masturbate with the help of the other. Not run off to the other room to masturbate and then get mad and throw it in the other person’s face.

    I am sorry, that is just kind of weird and ultimately immature.

    Your comment on the “long jump” to another man, might seem a bit knee jerk. But, based on your post, her behavior is so odd to me that I can sort of understand where you are coming from.

    I have said it 1,000x. Behavior in the bedroom often leaks out into the real world and visa versa.

    If she twists her own masturbation into something odd simply because you were not in the mood, I would be “aware” of how this same manipulation might come across in other aspects of life.

    I get everything you are saying in your post. But, it is just odd and, like I said before, it just sounds really immature and almost like pouting because “you made her masturbate” even though you don’t care that she does.

    I would be interested to know if in the future maybe she starts telling you when you can and cannot masturbate. Or, if it someday becomes an issue for you to masturbate.

    I don’t know. Odd.

  8. I do indeed think there is a very long jump from vibrator to another man. She is being petty, another man would be a lot more than pettiness.

    I don’t say no to my wife very often, and I mean that in a healthy way because honestly I can usually go for it, so when it does happen its hard for her to understand. First reactions usually aren’t the best, I’d try to talk about it later once everyone has cooled down.

  9. You hurt her feelings. Sometimes you have to take one for the team and offer to help her get off without having sex. But weaponizing the dildo is not cool

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