It seems like both men and women are dissatisfied with the dating scene, why don’t we change it?

45 comments

1. No, there are definitely still people that want that, including me. We’re just too ugly, respectful, nice, or focused on being successful that no one gives us their time or attention in order to get to this point.

2. Everyone expects instant chemistry. Perfection without effort. We’ve all been convinced we deserve better than reality. Love & relationships take work. Online love may happen sometimes (so does winning the lottery and even a blind squirrel finds a nut sometimes) but if you want a connection, meet a real person and build it.

3. I’d prefer to find a woman that has similar interests, but considering I’ve been burned way too many times. I never put myself out there. If a girls really interested in me then they better let me know because I don’t get hints, and I’m not one for talking to random people.

4. I feel for women today and mean that whole heartedly. I have sisters so I hear stories of guys with horrible hygiene, pervs, creeps and weirdos.

   Tinder is not a good place to find love in my personal experience, You should try other sites like plenty of fish, OkCupid, Coffee meets bagel and a ton more where it’s geared more toward people who are also looking for lasting relationships. You can thank the one sided sex ordeal to the media, like rap music, and other platforms of podcasts that preach a woman orgasm is useless.. can we say Fresh and Fit.. sigh.

   My suggestion is keep trying, even in this passionless world there are still people who believe in timeless connections and meaningful relationships. Try those sites, or try manifesting your ideal partner, you can look it up on how to do it but I can tell you it 100% worked for me and plenty of others in the past

5. I’m finding it hard to find and meet single guys. I think 99% of dating is singles…

6. Hey, read a book named A Guide to Drama Free Relationships by Sarah Swafford. It will make you change your perspective and hopefully find what you rightfully want. Good luck!

7. I feel it. Everyone I meet is looking FWB, casual, ENM.

   My grandparents have been together 60 yrs and my mom said “It’s just not something you’ll find nowadays.” And apologized to me when I got my heart broken.

   It makes me so sad….

8. I feel like your two examples are not equivalent XD

9. “Why don’t we change it”. It’s easier said than done. Online dating and the internet has tapped into the worst of human nature and it’s gonna probably take a few generations to unwind.

   Online dating has turned people into commodities where you can go on an app and list off all your “must haves” from a partner as if you are ordering grocery using instacart and anything less seems like “settling” until it’s too late. Humans are not meant to be ordered a la carte, that’s what was so great about meeting in person before online dating.

   Good luck to us all cause online dating is here to stay and until we see the adverse effect on society a couple of generations from now, we will keep swiping left/right waiting for that perfect man or woman.

10. Dating is what you make it. Nothing is stopping you from doing the things you listed.

11. I agree with this sentiment.

    I’ve never seen a dating profile that says: I want to be in love. I miss love, I want to be in love.

12. It cannot be readily changed because attraction is not subject to rationalizing, bargaining, or logic. People are attracted to what they are attracted to, period. I’d also note that it’s pretty obvious that what people *say* they find appealing is very different from what they *actually* find appealing.

    Perhaps even more to the point when you’re talking about people who simply treat others like shit on the dating scene, it’s pretty obvious to me that what people say they find *appalling* is, in fact, something they don’t mind living with so long as the romantic partner is attractive enough.

    This is a “problem,” if you want to call it that, without a solution. It used to be that factors other than attraction held far more sway, but not in 2022. With the tap of a button every dude or gal within a hundred mile radius is distilled down to a few photographs and a couple paragraphs, and … well … wishing for a change at this point seems like you’re fighting against human biology.

13. Totally feel this and did for so long that I simply stopped looking and doing the online dating scene. And then I met my boyfriend of over 1+ year now. We met at a concert. My best advice is to stop fixating on finding love and let love come to you. If you are living your best life with your friends, interests, hobbies, and travels you are bound to meet someone.

14. I think you’re in the wrong century, my dude. Good luck though.

15. Dating apps are like junk food. Low effort and instant gratification. Most relationships take time to build up, but dating apps are the opposite. But because of the popularity of dating apps, it almost seems like meeting people in real life isn’t seen as normal anymore.

16. *”a lot more appealing than going to his mom’s house to his room in the basement so he can take off his basketball shorts and give me unsatisfying one-sided sex”*

    Oddly specific…. Sorry that happened to you, stay safe.

17. All of that still exists. People still want committment. Actually all of it can be found on dating apps. The only difference is you gotta filter through people, who don’t want the same. Romanticizing the past is not the way, because the past was never better, it was different, dating came with its own problems unique to the time.

18. People want their ideals met without working on themselves to become the ideal

19. lol life isnt a fairy tale bro, take what you get or dont take it

20. Don’t confuse romantic comedies for real life.

    But also do your own filtering. If you want bookshop Don Juans and dancing to Etta James, don’t even entertain the idea of meeting someone at an apartment or their parents basement without 5-7 dates prior and slow build to getting to know one another.

    And if that means you reject 1,000 offers to drop by his apartment or basement, you refuse, block, and then go on some fun, romantic dates with Mr. 1,001.

    But beware that guy who shows up on a first date with flowers and a poem, and then blows up your phone five hours after the date insisting that you delete your dating apps and not speak to any male coworkers or friends.

21. Insert “old man yells at cloud” meme. Things change. Adapt or die. People are always moaning about the past. Even the people who lived in your fairytale world dreamed of the past.

22. And it cannot be changed because it’s not up to a few redditor to decide. In theory that’s the best system ever.

    In reality, everything is ruined because we are all so god damn busy, yet financially behind. Back in the day, since your *old fashioned* the man was the bread winner. A high school diploma alone was enough to afford a house and raise a family, while the woman took care of the household chores. Do I envy this period? Yes and no. It’s undeniable that things were somewhat wrong and needed to change, but it changed in the worst possible way. Nowadays you need two people with higher education to afford what one person could afford with an average full time job. Women entering the work force should have meant a reduction of the normal work week, not an increase of every costs. Of course it’s also more complicated than this.. But this is a factor. Employers having their profits increased exponentially while giving jack shit back to their employees is another big one.

    If you live alone, barely able to afford your rent, you need to check every expenses. Social pass time cost so much more than Netflix, and are so less convinient that it’s often just not worth it.

    If you live alone, you also need to tackle all of your chores by yourself, leaving you with less time each and every day. That’s not the only reason why we’re busier.. Everything got so much more complicated.. Another example is how the only way to not get screwed by insurance companies is to call each of them every year, and they all make sure that the process is as painful as possible and that their price online is as vague and inaccurate as can be. So you either get screwed or lose 10 hours per years. There’s so much other examples like this.

    Now mix that with our attention span that got ruined by smart phone and social media. With the reality of the paradox of choice (how it’s harder to be satisfied with your choice with each added option). And mix that with FOMO, parasocial relationships and you already got a massive issue.

    But that’s still not the end. It’s still wildly see as the man has to be the one taking initiative and approaching women. On the other hand, we hear constantly how (some) women don’t want to be approached basically ever, unless in very very specific situations. And that is because men are gross and tired these women so much that they can’t take it anymore. A lot of guys think that the option does not even exist anymore. For the other, how could they know if it’s okay or not? Men and women are not close to agree on what’s acceptable or not (plus individual variations of course). The few that are left are disrespectful or ignorant.. Don’t know or don’t care.

    Everything is fucked up.. While also being beneficial to attractive people in their 20’s who want casual dating and ONS.. Those people do exist, why would they agree to change the current system?

    Tldr; we have less time, we have less money, which is boosted with short attention span, FOMO, the paradox of choice, parasocial relationship, and other social norms. And also, not everyone is on board, whatever this echo chamber might seem to show.

23. I had this idea for public display rings people wear. Solid colours could mean in a relationship, single and looking or single and happy. Just seems way simpler and you could just wave a hand and someone would know.

24. I would happily date the old fashion way but to many people now adays the old ways are too boring for them. From what I’ve heard from others once things get stale they would rather change partners than change themselves because it’s easier to do the same thing over and over with someone else than to do something different with the same person

25. Why is giving up on dating a bad thing? Emotional and sexual celibacy can be so healthy for many people. Maybe help even getting to like themselves. Sometimes a break is all people need to get their footing right again. Many people are figuring out being on your own can often help many people troubleshoot through problems without pressure.

26. Why don’t “we” change it? Because the lack of “we” is the entire point of dating!

27. Why are you single? Most people have some options, so why aren’t you with someone?

    This is why most people are dissatisfied with the dating scene. If you’re single, it means you’re not putting yourself out there, you truly have no options despite doing your best (unlikely), or (the most likely option) you don’t want who wants you, and who you want doesn’t want you. This is why everyone is dissatisfied, and it won’t change unless we magically start wanting the people who want us (unlikely). Eventually, you just have to find someone you like who likes you through perseverance and luck.

    You can think I’m bragging (I’m not). There are several people who want to be with me right now. I have no interest in them at all. Some, I actively said that to, and they still want to be with me.

    The only person I want to be with doesn’t want me though. I din’t care if every woman in the world wants to be with me except for the ones I want to be with. That won’t help me. This is why we’re all dissatisfied.

28. The dating scene thrives in a social context, but we are leading increasingly more solitary life thanks to the effectiveness of technology in allowing us to do things from home. If you want to change it, you’ll need to convince people to go outside. Good luck with that.

29. “Why don’t we change it” while you’re also part of the problem. Most people complaining about the dating scene have zero self awareness.

30. You have to remember that the alternative to online dating is going out and speaking to people, and because of social media and all the rest of it because are strongly adverse to that now, woman want men to have a crystal ball and only approach if they are attractive to her and if she is in the mood to talk, men don’t want to take the risk of being rejected or worse, labelled a creep.

    Online dating is toxic for dating; but so too is social media such as Instagram and so is Reddit. It would all have to go to get back to get back to how things where before.

31. >Why is everything ‘hook up’ this ‘online dating’ that?

    It’s not. 50% of relationships are still formed offline. People are hooking up less in the young generation that did the previous generation. Lifetime sex partner median trends down.

    >What happened to romance and falling in love and dating and going out and experiencing things together?

    Nothing happened to that. It’s still going strong. We are currently living in the time with the least amount of other reasons besides being in love with someone to be in a relationship with them. You can be sure, that the 70% of people who are in committed relationships are in them for love, dating, experiencing life together, rather than financial reasons, social pressure, unwanted children, arranged marriages, basic survival needs.

    >What happened to common interests and meet-cutes and flowers and chocolates and watches and giving each other time and space and love? Why are these things so hard for this day and age?

    Those things are at an all-time high. Globalization, digitalization and online dating have made it so easy to find people with shared niche interests and matching personalities who enjoy the same things (chocolates, watches, flowers). Giving time and space is also at an alltime high: there is no pressure for building a family in your twenties, lovers can just spend a decade just doing what they love and giving each other time and space to see if the relationship is something they want to go deeper in with a family. People are choosing to not live together at an increasing rate, for a longer time. That is literally giving space and time. Nothing you described is hard to come by.

    >I don’t want to scroll aimlessly through tinder for hours and hours hoping to find a hook up, I want to have my morning coffee and a bookshop and see ‘the one’ from across the room.

    Do so, nobody is forcing you to use Tinder for hookups if you want to find a relationship in a bookshop. But don’t be fooled, you will be sitting aimlessly in a bookshop for hours, waiting for anyone that sparks your interest to even enter. Then they will not approach you, and if you do, they are likely in a relationship or not interested in you. You will spend all of your free time in the bookshop and still end up with less relationship candidates than a week on Tinder.

    >Maybe I’m old fashioned but personally I think making waffles with each other while dancing in the kitchen at 2:00 a.m. listening to Etta James is a lot more appealing than going to his mom’s house to his room in the basement so he can take off his basketball shorts and give me unsatisfying one-sided sex

    No, you are not old fashioned, your are helplessly trapped in your own fantasy world, unable to make any of it reality. You are responsiblle for making sure the sex is satisfying. You are responsible for setting a waffle date instead of a sex date. You are responsible for attracting someone who would dance with you in the kitche nat 2 am. Those people are out there, looking for their equal, but you are not active about finding them, you are daydreaming about a wishlist-life that you have no motivation to actually achieve.

    >Guys are asking why women don’t want them anymore, that’s why. Nobody wants a relationship or to commit anymore because it’s easier to find a new girl every night on the internet.

    Guys are not asking that. SOME guys are asking that and they are the same demographic you are belonging to. Yes, women and men want relationships and commitment. 70% are in relationships, 15% are looking, only 15% are single by choice. It’s NOT easier to find a new girl every night on the internet than finding a relationship. Relationship sex is the easiest to have.

    The guys you describe as your dream relationship are out there, the problem is they don’t want you! Because you are not their dream relationship partner. What you offer and what you want doesn’t match. The reason you get the basement-bad-sex-dates is because men don’t see you as anything else. And the guys who complain about women not wanting them are exactly the same as you, they just see the reality of being rejected, while you think the men you want just don’t exist, instead of realizing they are there but they reject you.

32. Women (who aren’t obese and are middle-class or above) aren’t dissatisfied with the dating scene at all. Only men are really complaining

33. Personally, I love to do all that too, meet my partner at a bookstore and make pancakes in the early morning. Sounds like a dream.

    Problem is that, as some others said, because of the “oh, the next match might be better” attitude in dating apps no-one invests any time in getting to know you or get put off by the slightest negative because they want me/Mrs perfect. And dating outside of apps is a risky business for guys because women don’t want to be approached. If you do it in the street they just see a randomer coming up invading their personal space or if you do it in a group setting they don’t like it because why did the guy disturb them when they just want to do their hobby. It feels like a no win situation..

34. Well could be worse. You could be a 31 year old virgin

35. You can blame the people who date so many people at the same time. How are you supposed to fall in love when I’m option 1 of 10

36. The guy you friendZoned 5 years ago – check there lol

37. The status quo used to be that men did all the approaching and that was acceptable. Then most women said they didn’t want to be approached in person anymore.

    So the status quo turned into ~~dating apps~~ shopping for the prettiest person you can match with on an app. And many men stopped approaching and simultaneously had their confidence crushed. Now a lot of ladies complain about the current situation, lol. 😝

    At this point, the only way things change is if women self-correct the shifts of the current landscape and start doing the approaching themselves.

38. The popular people aren’t dissatisfied.

39. There’s no incentive for mr. basketball shorts to change as long as he can still get women to show up at his mom’s place for a hookup.

40. While I absolutely agree with your sentiment, you seem to be putting the blame on men and its both sides. We have online dating, hook up culture, and social media to thank for this mess. The goal of a progressive society is to make everything quicker and easier for everyone, which clearly comes with its faults. Everyone always shits on things that are old fashioned, well, theres nothing more old fashioned than meeting someone organically, in person, and building a relationship. But its all about instant gratification now. Unfortunately, we’ve crossed the Rubicon. Theres no going back. You just have to hope to be lucky enough to dig through the muck and find someone that feels the same way you do.

41. Based on this post it sounds like OP is also a hopeless romantic. Perhaps I’m wrong. While I don’t dress dapper I do agree with this post’s vibe. Plus I find it refreshing. Thank you for sharing it. The people that are upset about it are bitter.

42. It’s sad to see where the dating game has gone. Coming off a breakup early this year I am shocked with the current state. Not sure how it’ll change

43. Dating apps and social media give people the illusion of options. People will always think that there is something better around the corner. I think we need to wait for the match group to go under

44. Tbh at this point I just match energy. In friendships, in dating and in relationships. If someone isn’t super into me, why should I let them ruin my day. But I do believe people don’t try to just vibe and exist together anymore. Which is fair but sad

45. People have been saying this forever, since before the internet. That “dating sucks these days”. It’s because dating always has sucked. Until you meet the one that doesn’t make it suck. Romance is out there, but if you’re bitter and don’t believe it is, well…..