Feeling super down because I couldn’t accomplish what I wanted today.

And what pisses me off the most is I KNEW this would happen, I knew I would get depressed if I didn’t talk to her.
I had been talking to my therapist about short term avoidance, and how people with SAD will often avoid a situation because it gives them an immediate sense of relief from the anxiety, but of course, in the long run it’s worse because then regret starts building up, frustration at not being capable.

I had asked a question on a book subreddit about authors, and one commenter mentioned one that they liked. When I searched up the author online it led me to one of the books she wrote, and I had noticed that a classmate of mine had that book a few days on the table, so I said great! I have an excuse to strike up conversation with someone, maybe I can gain a friend.

So then I asked her about it and we had a very small conversation but man, I don’t know, I’ve never felt the feeling of “I want to get to know his person” She was so enthusiastic about it and I could tell she appreciated the question, it just left me so happy for the rest of the day, mainly because I had that interaction but also because *I* did that, I went and approached someone else, started a conversation.

Later I regretted not asking for her name, or any contact info, or not having said anything pointing to the fact that I wanted to hang out, and so the weekend hit and I started telling myself that I *have* to talk to her, I have to let her know that I want to talk more. I thought about how to strike conversation again but I couldn’t come up with anything so I said “Hey, I’ll buy the book! I’m currently reading one right now but I’m about to be done and I can start reading that one next, even one chapter is enough to be like ‘hey I started reading the book!’ And it’d be a good way to start a conversation”

So I did that, I read as fast as I could to finish the book I was currently reading (I was genuinely enjoying it so I wasn’t actually just going to skip it for a person I’ve only talked to once) And after finishing the book I was reading… I had stuff to do, some homework to turn in so I sadly couldn’t start reading it, I said to myself I’ll start tomorrow but I woke up super late and rushed to class.

So well there I was, the book is in my bag, I haven’t started to read it but at least I could mention to her that I bought it, right? And then, as always, it started: “No that’s creepy, she’ll think you’re a creep and who the fuck spends money to get a friend? Surely no one forces a common trait with another person, most people can just make friends no problem and you have to go out of your way to buy a book? Who does that? Best not talk to her because this is like over doing it and she’ll notice. What are you going to say anyway? ‘Hey, bought the book! Haha’ that won’t lead to anything.”

And so I didn’t talk to her. I just walked from the class room to my car, and drove home in silence.

And yeah, now I’m feeling super down because just like many things, I *Wanted* to talk to her, but my brain inevitably took control and said “no, we’re not doing that, you don’t get to do that”

That’s the most frustrating part for me, I am aware of my problems, I am aware of what I have to change, I am aware of the things that are keeping me below, yet I can’t do anything to advance, it seems like I’m stuck, every step I take is fruitless and I’m so tired of it.

I still want to talk to her.