I have a lovely boyfriend who would do anything for me.
When we started dating I already noted that he likes certain things in a very specific way and that he had a list of rules around the house.
Eg: no drinks or food on the couch, making the bed a certain way, or labeling food in the fridge.
In general I think it’s cute and it helps him to be the high achiever and productive man he is.
However since we have moved in together a couple of weeks ago, I find his behaviour more difficult to deal with it.
There seems to be an endless list of ‘rules’, especially for the kitchen.
Just some examples:
– there can’t be dirty cups or plates in the sink. (Which is hard as I work from home and eat a lot during the day, so I normally only do dishes in the afternoon and evening).
– all tools have to be stored away immediately after usage. (No leaving groceries out on the counter).
– leftovers have to be packaged, labeled and stored asap. (No pots or pans with leftovers in the fridge)
– only buy food if it’s part of your weekly food planner. (No buying cheese, carrots,… if you are not sure what you’ll cook with them)
I know they sound like minor things, but it has let me to feel a bit nervous around the kitchen. I seem to be hearing his voice on what I might be doing ‘wrong’. (‘This isn’t clean’, ‘Why isn’t this labeled’, ‘Why are you opening the cheese if you are not going to use it?’).
I know that I’m quite a proud person, meaning that I get defensive immediately if he says anything.
Especially when I’m also a bit stressed from work, I’m just not quick enough on my feet to give a funny response to diffuse the situation.
Sometimes he doesn’t say anything, but I can hear him sighing or slamming cupboards, so I tense up and can’t really relax, thinking what I have done ‘wrong’.
I think he might be a bit high on the neurotic personality trait from the Big 5 Personalities Traits.
(For example, he also often has anxiety and finds it hard to control his urges, but is also hardworking and sets high standards for himself.)
How do I find a balance between keeping him happy and not losing myself in behaviour that I find stressful?
TL;DR
Lovely boyfriend wants things his way around the house. I am struggling to set boundaries on what I can and want to do, and react appropriately when I feel that I have done something ‘wrong’.
31 comments
>I know they sound like minor things
They don’t sound like minor things to me –
>Sometimes he doesn’t say anything, but I can hear him sighing or slamming cupboards
You can speak without words.
Did ya’ll move in together or did you move into his house?
I could not live like this. Can you explain to him that while these things bring him peace – they bring you anxiety and work together on finding a solution that balances both of your needs?
Honestly, this is something y’all should have discussed before living together, especially if you already knew he had such strict rules in his living space. And from my personal perspective, this would be a huge “no” for me. Anyone who is that strict about how their house is kept immediately sets off some warning signals in my brain; I’m def not down with such a controlling personality.
Assuming you don’t want this to be the end of your relationship, all you can do is try to talk with him and see if the two of you can find some spaces to compromise. Tell him this is very different from how you are used to living and you’re not sure you can make the adjustment. (He should have known this already if you were dating while you lived separately.) Maybe suggest coming up with a mutually agreed upon set of rules that are less strict and you can agree to stick to.
If he’s unwilling to compromise, I think that’s likely a signal you would need to leave the relationship. He’s not going to get less restrictive with time.
This doesn’t sound minor to me at all. I personally would not be able to live with a bunch of strict rules in my home. This should have been worked out before you moved in together
You don’t need to keep him happy. That’s his job. Why is his comfort more important than yours? Why do you have to follow his rules? I think buy what you like. Store things as you like. Do dishes as you like. If he wants to come behind you & “fix” it, he can. Do not pander to his neuroses.
>there can’t be dirty cups or plates in the sink. (Which is hard as I work from home and eat a lot during the day,
…. wash the dish you were using when your done with it. or eat, then do the dishes. takes 2 minutes and is *objectively* not a difficult task.
>all tools have to be stored away immediately after usage.
… yes, why the hell wouldnt they be.
>. (No leaving groceries out on the counter
…. yes. why the hell would anything be left out, put the shit that goes in the fridge in the fridge, put the shit that goes in the cupboard in the cupboard.
>leftovers have to be packaged, labeled and stored asap.
again, yes, why the hell would they be left out, who is doing what that is so important they can’t, tip something into a container, close a lid then rinse a pot.
>(No pots or pans with leftovers in the fridge
yes. because that’s how you get sick, *and* uses up cooking utensils, when there are perfectly good, containers for food available, within reach and that do not take an exceeding amount of effort to utilise. takes a solid minute to put food away properly.
>- only buy food if it’s part of your weekly food planner. (No buying cheese, carrots,… if you are not sure what you’ll cook with them
this is the only thing I disagree with but that’s because I live in rural Australia and the nearest shop is 200 kilometres away and neither of us can be bothered to specifically meal plan for half a month.
we stock up, we use, we restock, veggies get eaten first or frozen then we go in order of perishables.
>’Why are you opening the cheese if you are not going to use it
…. why the hell are you opening the cheese if you aren’t going to use it?
>I know that I’m quite a proud person, meaning that I get defensive immediately if he says anything
so this dudes not even aloud to be frustrated that you can’t do basic adult stuff.
>but I can hear him sighing or slamming cupboards, so I tense up and can’t really relax, thinking what I have done ‘wrong’.
this isn’t entirely appropriate on his behalf Il give you that, but it seems that if he is approaching you to have a conversation and you are shutting him down, then he also feels frustrated.
>from the Big 5 Personalities Traits.
these things are hokum, same vein as star signs. and magic crystals.
your boyfriend is frustrated that you can’t do basic adult stuff without being told, and anytime he brings it up you get defensive and I’m guessing shut him down.
>not losing myself in behaviour that I find stressful?
…. I’m sorry, what?
losing yourself in what? doing some dishes after you use them? putting food away properly? like, some extremely basic stuff, just 5 minutes of your time cleaning the mess you made or storing the food you ate.
the labelling things a bit anal.
you didn’t notice any of this before moving in ?
Did you two not see how each other lived and discuss this before moving in together? Some of these things are reasonable, but you also should feel comfortable in your own home. Compromise. He needs to loosen up and you need to make some effort to meet him halfway (I mean, I assume you are lol I hope you get what I mean).
Maybe focus on what things actually have natural consequences vs is just annoying to one of you – like, if you store leftovers in a pot, you have the negative consequence that you can’t use that pot for it’s intended purpose. That’s frustrating to reach for a pot and realize it’s not available. So you should get into the habit of using storage containers to store food. But labeling? The food won’t go bad if it’s not labeled. He can let that go or label it himself. Rinse and repeat for each issue.
I can’t with all these comments acting like this guy is being completely unreasonable- aside from the labeling, these are pretty basic things you do to keep your kitchen neat and orderly. I’m not a neat freak by any means and I would lose my mind if someone just shoved a pot or pan full of leftovers into the fridge. Like what? Put the food in a storage container. What is the next person supposed to do when they go to cook something and the pan they need is full of old food in the fridge? That’s so discourteous. So is not putting away tools and groceries.
Labeling is the most out there. I understand the intent behind buying according to a meal plan but sometimes stuff is on sale or you just want it.
The rest is pretty reasonable honestly.
I feel that some of these are about someone having standards of cleaning that are higher than yours, say they grew up with mice they wouldn’t leave anything out or dirty dishes.
Labelling and shopping for just what you need saves waste and can also be important if you grew up with less than others, throwing away food might be a big no no.
Find out what the rules are, right them down and try to incorporate them, look at the ones that bug you the most and come to a middle ground.
Also discuss how to say things to each other and when to say them so that he respects your autonomy and you respect his.
Perhaps instead of labelling you can use a wax pencil to note a date on food. Suggest that if you want to open something that you bought that is okay, but opening stuff he bought you ask.
Communication is very important.
Most of these seem pretty reasonable to me. If he works outside the home then just do the dishes and put anything away before he gets home. I’m guessing you moved into his house, and since you’re not a owner then he was a right to want his home kept a certain way. Why would you leave groceries or tools out on the counter anyway? Those things should be put away right away. The only things that might be a bit much is the labeling and not buying food if you don’t have an immediate use for it. Unless it’s food that will go bad within a week that’s a ridiculous rule. Especially since not everyone plans their weekly meals. And if the food is in clear containers you can tell what it is without needing a label. Talk to him about being more flexible and comfortable; you both need to compromise.
Why *are* you opening things you’re not using / eating?
Everything except expecting you never to buy anything that isn’t on a meal plan is perfectly reasonable. You moved in knowing he did things this way. You can adhere or move out. it really is that simple.
To me all of this sounds reasonable except the labelling part that might be a bit too much
I hate to be this person because I typically find them annoying but I have to say that if the genders were reversed and a guy was complaining about his gf’s standards, everyone would be telling him to step up and just do the things outlined in the post because they’re really not that bad and make a lot of sense, and taking a couple extra minutes to ensure your partner is less stressed is the least you can do. This is all easy shit. I don’t get the complaint.
I can understand the dirty dishes in the sink. That is one of my pet peeves, I hate dishes on the sink as the gunk get dried and it’s harder to wash the dishes. Also dirty dishes attracts roaches, flies or even rodents. As for the not eating and drinking on the couch, that’s a bit too much for me bc I will eat and drink whatever I want when I’m watching my shows/movie in the comfort of my own place. As long as you’re not making a mess on the couch, then it shouldn’t be an issue.
I can relate to that. My husband and I are the complete opposite: I’m more organised than him.
I think you both need to compromise on this one.
He needs to chill a little bit and you need to make a bit of effort so you guys meet halfway in the middle.
Good luck 👍
No offense, but these are very standard rules.
Can we not jump straight to mental illness any time someone views things differently than us?
>However since we have moved in together a couple of weeks ago
Is it a possibility that you do not live together, but instead have a relationship without living together?
You need to communicate with your boyfriend that these rules are causing you a lot of stress and to be uncomfortable in your own home. Suggest that make some compromises.
Discuss your priorities. Of these rules he has, which ones bother you the most? which ones are the most important to him? Which can you live with? Which can he let go?
ie – maybe dishes in the sink REALLY, REALLY bothers him. It is his primary trigger. So you put dishes in the dishwasher right away after use. But buying snack food that is not on the menu / shopping list is REALLY important to you, then he finds a way to deal with that.
It can’t be his way only 100% of the time. Good luck!
I agree with what most people seem to be saying that not a lot about what he’s asking is actually unreasonable. My view is that you have different standards about the house, the kitchen in particular. A lot of that is two people from two different upbringings coming together in one space – one family put their leftovers in the fridge right in the pan and the other always decants them, one family deals with dishes perhaps twice a day whereas the other deals with them each time something is used, etc. It’s not all wrong, it’s different.
I don’t think the PROBLEM here is your different ways of doing things, it’s how you’re adapting (or not) to each other’s way and in how you’re both reacting. Before this gets much much worse, you need to have a calm conversation with him, point out that it’s pretty obvious that you’re both less than happy currently – find areas where you can EACH compromise; you do your dishes when you’ve used something and use containers to store leftovers, he accepts that it’s ok to buy off-plan sometimes and that whoever brings to groceries puts away the cold stuff and the other puts away the store cupboard stuff so it’s on the counter til that’s done, etc.
What can’t happen for you to be able to coexist is nothing. You’ll feel like you’re walking on eggshells and he’ll feel his boundaries aren’t respected. If one of you is straight up unwilling to compromise, the other needs to decide whether they can adopt the other’s ways, or you may need to rethink being together.
a few things
did you move into his house? you should have discussed things before hand about rules, if you did, and plus a lot of things dont sound unreasonable to do; besides the food labeling
also what do you mean you get defensive? do you talk back to him in an angry way? do you raise your voice? how do handle it?
why is it hard for you to do these things? how did you keep things clean before you moved in with him?
I feel like people here are focusing too much on whether the expectations are reasonable and not on the actual issues, which are that op feels they can’t reasonably talk about these expectations or accidentally fall short of the expectations without consequences that aren’t nessecary. These two things are bigger issues here and the only two actual issues. Whether or not these are reasonable standards is completely irrelevant.
Why does nobody do a trial period of 2-4 weeks of living together BEFORE a move-in commitment is made.
Is he on the spectrum perhaps? Might be undiagnosed..?
He can want things to be a certain way in his home when he’s living on his own. But he has to recognize that he’s no longer living on his own and he has to be accommodating. It’s not the end of the world if one nite the dishes go unwashed. It’s especially not a good sign if he’s passive aggressive and slamming things and it makes you nervous or like you’re massively messing up. I have lived with someone like this—it creates resentment and a lot of paranoia that eventually chips at your self-esteem. You gotta tell him how this is all making you feel.
Either discuss with him how you can work together so BOTH of your needs are met, or move out.
My partner is much more organized and tidy than I am so I also had an adjustment period when we moved in together. An honest conversation is your best route. Some compromises my partner and I came up with are having little areas of the house where I could put my mess without upsetting them. (i.e. I use the office more so I keep it more untidy) you could try to compromise and see if there is an area of the fridge that could be the designated “free for all” zone. That way you don’t overwhelm the system in place but you still get some freedom. Maybe get a bus bin where you can put dirty dishes during the day and then clean them when you finish work?
This is a big part of happily cohabitating and compatibility so it is definitely understandable to have reservations about these things! You don’t want to let any resentment or frustration build.
Also, is there a chance he doesn’t realize he’s slamming cabinets/sighing? I would bring it up, not placing blame (when this happens I feel this) and tell him how much anxiety it gives you and ask him to be more mindful.
It’s your home too, you deserve to be comfortable
Um no. If living with him is making you this anxious, you can remedy it by moving back to your own place.
No DRINKS on the COUCH?
Some of this stuff is within the boundaries of normal and you both could compromise and meet in the middle but no drinks on the couch? What do you think a couch is for? Fuck that.
I’d be out of there in a hurry. That’s way too OCD and I couldn’t live with that. These may seem minor things but they’re not