I’ve known this guy for 8 years now, it’s the longest lasting friendship I’ve ever had and I feel like for that fact I’d be very reluctant to let it end. However I can no longer ignore the fact that he has changed in a way I find negative and sometimes he makes me cringe hard.
Basically he had a change that’s been slowly ongoing for years, he got really into a specific scene/community that I do not like or understand but I was willing to just ignore it because you don’t necessarily need to share everything. It has become harder to ignore though since it seems to be pretty much overtaking his life. Nowadays IMO we have a huge maturity gap between us, which to some degree was always there, but it’s like he has become even more immature and childlike. We are in different stages in life and it gets a bit tiring. And recently he invited me to something together with a few of his friends that he knows from that community, and I found them all pretty weird (but I was friendly and polite the whole evening to them) and my friend acted in a different way around them than he does when its just us 2, and it was just a very strange offputting behaviour to me. I am pretty sure that if I met him nowadays as a ‘new’ person and he acted like that I would not even consider being friends with him. I had always hoped that maybe his obsession with that community and the immaturity was a phase that would eventually end but we’re closing in on 30 and he’s still like that and I really don’t think its normal anymore. But on the other hand I feel some kind of loyalty towards him and memory of the fun times we’ve had. I also don’t wanna be overly judgy as long as it doesn’t concern me but like I said it’s become hard to ignore because he is so open about it and its clearly his biggest priority.
I’ve already decided I have no interest in meeting with him again if any of the other friends that I don’t like are around as well. If its just us 2 then I think it can be fine. But even then, sometimes he says stuff that makes me cringe or talks about stuff from his community when were in public and I just feel embarassed in the moment. He also sometimes, but not always, neglects his hygiene and it can be a little gross.
Idk, I just wonder what to do with this friendship since I don’t really feel the want to cut contact or anything but he shows behaviour that really weirds me out. I feel like I still haven’t fully registered that he’s not the same person as 8 years ago anymore. He’s also made comments in the past indicating he’s perhaps noticed that I’ve been a bit more distant.
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**tl;dr**: I feel loyalty towards my friend of 8 years but he has changed and often makes me cringe nowadays. How do I handle the relationship going forward?
30 comments
People change and so friendships, being composed of people, can also change. Friendships which don’t change often remain so as a matter of inertia, the status quo everyone just goes along with. It’s common to see people tolerate friends they used to be much more enthusiastic toward, being unwilling or unable to confront the gradual decline. It’s not a sin to grow apart. It’s no crime to lose interest in what’s no longer there. But it grows increasingly awkward to continue without acknowledging the situation. Sure, it’s also awkward to tell someone you’re no longer feeling it, but facades are a nuisance to maintain and best used sparingly.
What’s the thing he’s into?
What in tarnation….
Anywho, cherish the memories. Still better to leave and let it be nice than to start seriously disliking him
Once you were two rivers flowing sude by side. Now the course has changed. No harm in that. No reason to have a big talk. Just flow along in your way and know that you are ok.
Your mate’s a brony? People can have their own interests but when it becomes their identity then you can’t avoid it. You can have the candid conversation about how that scene makes you feel with him and how your not interested in it and that you need more than that in a friend. You might just have to accept that you don’t get each other anymore.
People and friendships change over time. Sometimes interests diverge. That’s ok. I have some friends who got into stuff or communities of varying levels of social acceptance and strangeness. It’s a bit like religion: I am glad this makes you happy and I have my own stuff too but let’s not try to convert everyone ok?
You can let him know that while you are glad he likes the community it’s not for you. You’re happy to see him 1:1, have lunch etc. try that for a bit. If he can’t separate the community from himself it’s ok to take a step back and see him less often. Feel free to be honest. We can respect someone and wish them well while not participating ourselves.
Yeah sounds like you need to break up 🙁
This is hard and I’m sorry. A few years ago I had a friendship break with someone who reminds me a lot of your friend. We went to high school together but then as we got older, they never left the anime brony online kind of culture and I could never introduce them to my other friends. I hate to say it, but on the times that I did, it was incredibly embarrassing. There was just a clear maturity difference there and it also made it hard for me to keep up a friendship when our conversations basically revolved around children’s cartoons.
Mine naturally split. We got into a fight because the friend was defending some hate speech online — it was that era of pewdiepie, and I just put my foot down and said I didn’t want to be friends with anyone who could defend hate speech as free speech. That was the end of it. You might also come upon a specific circumstance that pushes you completely over your boundaries. Or things might just decay. My friend also would point out that I was becoming more distant. I don’t want to speculate too much, but a lot of their friends were online and they didn’t have a ton of connections in their hometown so it might have made them more sensitive to me drifting. Remember that you owe yourself comfort. If hanging out with someone makes you uncomfortable, don’t do it or leave. You are not responsible for this friendship for the sake of nostalgia. You’re allowed to distance yourself from people, especially if your interactions are feeling less like friendship and creating new memories and more like maintaining a friendship and babysitting.
People change it’s just that simple, all of the finite memories are temporary. Sounds like you both talk everyday, I wouldn’t cut him off but you can just slowly distance yourself. If it becomes a problem of questioning I would just tell him how you feel. Being that you’re already in the stage of questioning, I think you just need to go with what you’re already thinking. Good luck! I’m sure you will figure it out. 🤞
He’s into Dungeons & Dragons, isn’t he?
We must know what this “community” is.. there are def people I couldn’t be friends with bc they were into stuff as out there as you seem to be describing
either anime or my lil pony or some wild neck beard ish.
I’m sorry for the loss of your friend to this group. But being honest can do you a lot of favors.
Either he’ll tone it down around you or stop being your friend..
Edit! Brony????? damn
Sometimes friendships end because people change. There is nothing wrong with that.
Turn down the invitations. If you want to meet occasionally for a cup of coffee or see a movie you can.
It’s okay to say “I really enjoyed our history together but I feel like we’ve grown in different directions and don’t share much in common anymore.”
Be civil but make plans in your own life to find others to hang out with more who are more your style. Your friend will get the hint and eventually understand you “Don’t Fit” and continue to do as he is doing with these people. Unless you wish to just cut him Off, Which I see you do Not——This is the way to go. Could be a phase he is going through and joining In, But for Now, I would begin to steer more away a bit more with other people.
It’s interesting that you think mentioning the community itself, which seems to be the source of the problem, is an irrelevant detail.
Question: have you spoken with him about this? If you are HIS best friend, I’d hope he’d be open to hearing constructive feedback (like “yo, maybe you should consider daily showers! Women (or men, if that’s what he’s into) appreciate nice smelling dudes who don’t talk about [insert topic here] all the time.”
In my many years, I’ve had people I considered best friends at one point or another come and go for a variety of reasons, but the underlying cause is always that people change. Our lives change, we grow (or don’t), we take new jobs, find ourselves in new relationships, living in different cities, having kids and dedicating our time to that, etc. I felt weird and sad about it when I first realized what was happening, but then I figured out that it’s just part of life. It’s okay to mourn the loss of the friendship; just don’t beat yourself up over it.
I’m still friends with a lot of them (there’s really only one who I have zero desire to ever talk to again because she became an abusive alcoholic), but the circumstances of our lives changed and we just weren’t as close as we used to be. I have a new best friend who I’ve been close with for a few years now.
yeah just tell them straight up you can’t be their friend anymore. be brutally honest.
Came to guess he was a furry. Brony definitely makes sense too though.
It doesn’t sound like there’s a whole lot of what made him your friend left to hold onto. The natural course of most friendships is to end, and it seems this one is bringing you more distress than joy.
You seem to be feeling guilty over your distaste for his interests– and I commend you for that– but the reality is there’s nothing wrong with ending a friendship because someone’s interests and behaviors change to be something you don’t like or recognize. There’s a reason people hate on bronies, and it’s that men who are in that community tend to display a lot of inappropriate and disturbing behaviors, and the cultlike nature of the community tends to intensify and reinforce those behaviors, which can be really uncomfortable for others
You can’t change him back, but you *can* save your own peace by maintaining distance.
ETA: if you don’t just want to continue to distance yourself without an explanation, you could try to gently explain that you’ve both changed, and you don’t feel like there’s a lot of common ground between you anymore. Personally, I would just disengage from any activity that involves his new friends, hang out with him only rarely to catch up, and politely redirect any conversation about MLP. If he couldn’t take a hint, I would directly address my discomfort with talking about MLP, especially in public, and that may well end the friendship and the problem right there.
Just fade in contact. Soft ghost.
People change and grow (or dont) in different directions at different paces.
You need to split away and continue on your own trajectory.
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You can stay facebook friends with your friend and catch up in the future.
People really start to grow into themselves when they exit their 20s. It’s ok to leave some relationships behind you as you move into a different phase of your life. It doesn’t mean that the people in your past are bad, it’s just that you’ve gone in a different direction.
I’d do a fade away. Spend less and less time with him, communicate less and less. Friendships take work to maintain, and if you do less work the friendship will naturally become less important to both of you. Some friends I use to hang out with a ton when I was younger are now just facebook friends. No hard feelings, we just went in down paths that didn’t cross anymore.
I guess the good thing is it’s not some terrible community that causes people to be hateful or naturally drift away from friends/family or lead them down a dark path. That being said, I can imagine how it puts a damper on your relationship because he will talk about things you don’t relate to. I guess just let him know you are putting up boundaries and don’t want to talk/hear about it, and it has nothing to do with you hating that thing he’s into but just aren’t interested and would rather talk about things you’re both into that you can share together. He can still be into it of course, but instead of always talking to you about it, he can leave that part separate for when he’s with his other friends, and not bring it into your relationship.
But if his entire personality begins to change and he’s no longer enjoyable to hang out with or helping you grow in some way, then it may be time to just leave it at that. At that point there’s nothing you’ll be able to do to “save” him or make him who he once was so don’t spend too much time thinking about it and just focus on you. It sucks losing long term friends though so I understand why it’s easier said than done. Best of luck to your friendship!
It appears some people are loathe to give up toxic relationships that have started in their teens or early twenties. No one owes allegiance to anyone who is toxic, childish, insecurie, a bully, et cetera. No matter the length of relationship, be it one month or 15 years, if the person or relationship has turn toxic and the toxic person will not chance, the relationship is over. All that is necessary is to devise a neutral reason to end the relationship.
By the time you are almost 30 you are more like your real self than who you were at 20. People change but they don’t go back to who they were 8 years ago.
Take a break. See your friend alone. Also consider that you don’t have to stay BFs for the rest of your lives just because you had good times in the past.
People change and friendships dissolve – it is okay to move on. I suggest ghosting – just stop returning calls, always be busy, etc.
You are judging him but there is nothing wrong with that. The best thing you can do for him is tell him how cringy he is. It’s likely that other people will feel the same way about him. Doing this will hurt but its for his best.
The easiest thing for you to do is to slowly and silently ghost him.
The choice is yours.
He”s. Brony, isn’t he???
Op it’s pretty normal for people to grow apart. Even if he had perfect hygiene and conducted himself impeccably in public, it’d still be okay to let go if you no longer enjoyed hanging with him, or found you couldn’t relate anymore.
Go ahead and fade a bit from his life. Keep your meet ups to however frequent you prefer. He’s got his community to keep him company.
Hey on the good side, at least his fandom isn’t qanon.