TLDR- my boyfriend is pushing my sex boundaries and I don’t know what to do.
I (32F) and boyfriend (31M) have been together a bit over three years now. Over the last year or so he has started to bring toys into the bedroom without asking me first. Most of them I was okay with, but when he kept ordering things to the house and not telling me it really started to hurt my feelings. I would open the packages (not uncommon for us to open deliveries for each-other as we share an Amazon account) When I brought this up to him he said I was over reacting and this is common. So I try to lean into those toys I am not comfortable with.
A few weeks go by, and I manage to get the flu the week of his birthday. I had to change most of our plans but I started to feel better over the weekend so I decided to try to execute my plan. I created a scavenger hunt, with an outfit picked out, a bag packed, a swanky hotel that was decorated, nice happy hour and followed by a surprise dinner. I also was able to get the newest GoPro for him. I went out and got lingerie and everything since he has expressed some need for change in the bedroom. We go and have a great time, get back to the hotel and we knocked out on the couch before we could even get to the bed. We wake up at 3am, have sex and go to bed. Normal, fine.
The next day he expresses we “didn’t do enough” for his birthday and he is sad we knocked out after dinner and didn’t get to have the type of sex he wanted. I was upset by this statement but let it go.
The next day, I try to have sex with him to make up for the “birthday style sex” he didn’t get. It goes horribly, he is barking orders and I start to shut down. We finish and he tells me that was awkward and I don’t make him feel wanted. (Keep in mind we have never had any “awkward sex” issues before, at least that I know of.)
I repeated back to him, “I don’t make you feel wanted? All these weekend plans? The gifts? Pushing myself when I was sick to surprise you?” He told me that’s great and he loved it, it just would be better if there was more sex.
I am just sad, it feels like he really only values me sexually, that’s the value I have to offer. I want to try to fix our sex life but I don’t know how, and him pushing it so much makes it harder for me to get in the mood.
Am I crazy for thinking I need to do something different? I thought 2-3 times a week was normal ish for long term couples?
TLDR- my boyfriend is pushing my sex boundaries and I don’t know what to do.
7 comments
Why are you “leaning into” things you’re not comfortable with?
It sounds like there has been a communication gap that he hasn’t been clearly communicating and now it’s spilling over into hostility. If he can’t communicate constructively, then maybe he’s not the guy you thought he was.
On the other hand, a lot of times we do things that “we” would want for our birthday or special day without taking into consideration our partner’s wants. We do a bunch of stuff “for them” that they don’t want. He might have been perfectly happy with anal sex and a cheeseburger. His birthday weekend, while lovely, was what you wanted.
Bottom line is communication. Don’t do things you’re not comfortable with just to be the “cool” girlfriend. He should communicate without being hostile.
These arent sex boundaries. These are controlling dominance.
You two roleplaying handmaids tale irl? You sign up to be his life in sex maid? Why are you trying so hard to fulfill these demands of him.
He barks orders to you. He buys stuff and tells you its normal when its not. He tells you hez not having enough sex from you.
This isnt the first disconnect. This is you finally realizing things arent right
>He told me that’s great and he loved it, it just would be better if there was more sex.
I read this and thought: “*What a fuck-head!*”
This, plus all the toys he’s buying, makes me think he’s drifting toward a narcissistic mindset.
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>I am just sad, it feels like he really only values me sexually
And I’m not even sure he gives you that.
It seems anything with a hole and a heartbeat will do the job for him.
Maybe, because the heartbeat may be optional.
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>I want to try to fix our sex life but I don’t know how
It sounds like there’s a whole lot more than this which needs to be fixed.
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>Am I crazy for thinking I need to do something different?
No.
**HE** is the one which needs to do something different, namely indulge in a real relationship with a real human being, instead of unilaterally buying all manner of sex toys.
He seems entitled and selfish, I don’t think I’d want to have sex with this person anymore.
Your sex life “fix” is for him to respect consent and boundaries. I assume these are toys to be used on you? Like I get buying a toy for oneself and *asking* if it can be used together but it is absolutely not normal to degrade your partner until they give in.
If you stay with this self-centered child you’re asking for what you’ll get. Your choice.
Pointing out the obvious: Perhaps it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.
Think hard if this is what you want for life. Then choose wisely.