The resentment and anger is hard to get over.. and it’s putting a lot of weight.
Is forgiveness even possible after going through betrayal and a terrible hurt??

12 comments

  2. Are you serious? If they aren’t sorry, they’ll hurt you again because…they don’t give a shit about you.

  3. Not immediately, or remotely recent. Eventually, talking many months to over a year, you may be able to put it behind you, but you will never forget.

    We are not saints, it is not in our nature to easily forgive transgressions, if we ever do. Sometimes instead of forgiving, we just become callous to that wound and move on.

  4. Yes. You can forgive but not forget what they did. Forgetting is just letting go of the anger and resentment. Distance yourself from that person so they don’t hurt you again.

  5. (totally stolen from sandra bullock) Not everyone that hurts you cares that they have. And you end up carrying that baggage, not them.

    If that person really hurt you and they don’t care, then forgiveness can only be for you, not them.

    And only to stop the pain and resentment. Don’t even approach discussions with them about it, in fact, i’d tell.them where to go. But in yourself, you have to or it’ll continue to play on your head which is when they win. Let them be a sad hurtful isolated no pals person. The biggest win for you is to live a happy fulfilled life.

    I wish you luck.

  6. You don’t have to forgive but you do need to accept.

    – They did this thing, now you know who they are and what to expect.
    – This is how it affected you, and this is how you need to move forward from it.

    Think about that.

  8. Forgiveness is sometimes better for you than the other person.

    Forgiving yourself for allowing it to happen is important. In the future just be sure to not let it repeat. You know how they will respond so don’t let them take advantage of you again.

  9. At the end of my very first serious relationship, my partner cheated on me. It played a part in me going into a mental health spiral that took a couple of years to get out of.

    During that time, I was going to a therapist, and I said that it had been over a year since it happened, and I asked why I couldn’t seem to forgive her.

    He pointed out that what she did went against all of my values. Most likely, I would never find what she did to be forgiveable. In one sentence, he released me of the pressure I’d been putting on myself to forgive something that I thought was cruel.

    Over time, it becomes less important, and moves into distant history. It probably becomes irrelevant whether it’s forgiven or not. But there’s no need to forgive someone, whether or not they are sorry.

  10. To me someone who treats you badly and does not apologize for it is an example of a toxic person.

    If a person who comes into your home is a guest, and you offer them food, and they refuse, then that food becomes yours.

    Similarly, if a person who treats you with anger, disrespect, and wrongdoing – and you refuse, then that food becomes theirs to eat. Don’t give them the mistreatment back, and that mistreatment will be theirs to keep.

    Hope that helps! I’ve been in a similar situation.

    Most of the time it seems these people are in a bad place in their lives, their cup is not full, they are miserable, and misery loves company. When someone is fulfilled they spread knowledge and joy. When someone who is unhappy spreads misery, it’s the only sense of control that they have, to make someone ELSE unhappy for their own issues.

    Sending you good vibes and have a blessed day 🙂

  11. You don’t. Apologies are the first step. If they can’t do that then there’s no point.

  12. Forgiveness is NOT about the other person. Forgiveness is the giving up of the attachment you have to the feelings of being betrayed and hurt.

    What is likely present for you is a sense of “should”. You are expecting that the other person “should” feel bad for what they did to you. You are expecting that the other person “should” somehow understand how much they hurt you.

    Many hurtful situations in life occur because of a difference between an expectation and the reality. Your expectation is that they will acknowledge the hurt they have caused you. The reality is they have not – and may never do so.

    In seeking that acknowledgement, you are causing yourself the pain of an unfulfilled desire. In essence you are assigning the status of “wrong” to their actions. And that you are “right” in your feelings of being hurt.

    The concepts of “right” and “wrong” are completely subjective and live only in our minds. The same is also true of the concepts of “fair and “unfair”. Something that seems unfair to one person may seem totally normal to another. They simply cannot be compared.

    All of these things I mention are happening because it MATTERS to you that they do it. The fact that it matters means that this other person has a power over you – even if they may not be aware of it. As long as you hold onto the fact that it matters to you, you GIVE this power to them.

    It is very similar to the concept of drinking poison and expecting the other person to fall ill. It won’t happen. The only person that poison will hurt is yourself.

    So back to forgiveness… Can you give up your attachment to being “right” in this situation? Can you give up your attachment to the circumstances being “unfair”? Can you give up the expectation of the other person acknowledging how you are feeling? Can you give up having the situation matter to you?

    When you can start to answer yes to these, then the power the other person has over you (known or unknown) will fade and go away. When the process is complete, you will have “forgiven” them. Remember forgiveness is for you, not the other person.

    The opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference.

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