Title pretty much sums it up. There is this notion that us males have a higher drive than females. In my situation this is true.
I am sick and tired of putting effort in setting up the mood, not doing things I like to make time for, prepare everything just in case there is a positive response to sex. I get it not all days are the same. This thing goes on for weeks. Even months at a time and ultimately I feel left out. Not exactly not loved, but neglected really.
Should I lower my energy and leave her room for an advance? Should I reject sex a couple of times to make it important for her? Should I just take my frustration out myself?
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I am open to suggestions
31 comments
Just have a chat about how you feel. Tell her you feel left out and neglected sometimes and that you would like to have reciprocated initiation.
Sounds like you need to learn the art of subtle seduction. Seduce without seducing. That way, initiating sex won’t feel/seem to your partner like initiation at all.
The solution to your problem is to find subtle ways to turn her own. After that she will fall into bed with you without the need of artificial means of initiation.
I hear you. Not far off that myself. š
How open are you guys talking about your sex life? Does she know how brutal rejection makes you feel? Does she care? Does she want to work together to come to a compromise? If not it could be a case of high libido/low effort.
It’s the sex fulfilling and passionate when it does happen?
I know majority of people disagree, but this is why I personally believe in open relationships. If everything but the physical compatibility is there, and people can prioritize their partner without fucking it up (a big ask), everybody wins.
I’ve heard a lot of men say they’re in this situation. Heartbreaking. Sorry to hear you’re going through this. šHugš
I’m a direct person, and would just say: “I don’t want to be the only one initiating, it’s tiring and makes me feel bad sometimes. Do you even want to have sex with me? If we’re not on the same level, I’d rather know, so we could both find happiness.”
It’s a hard thing to say, but I personally don’t have time for anyone who isn’t on my sexual level. Life is too short.
How can you reject her a couple times if she doesnāt initiate?
More seriously, you two have different levels of sexual interest and different levels of libido. Basically, you nailed it in your 2nd and 3rd sentences.
You either need to accept this and be 100% OK with it or you need to break up and find someone youāre more compatible with sexually.
Donāt make the mistake of thinking she will change or that you can change her.
Im a woman and I feel your frustration. Was even told āwhen you initiate it feels like your beggingāā¦ turned me off so bad I didnāt have sex with him for over a month and Iām very HL. Rejected him a few times and told him I donāt like begging. He finally came to explain that he wasnāt begging, just horny. It was great seeing the epiphany when he said it out loud. Still not great but getting better. Itās hard because I work GY shifts and sleep during the dayā¦ when he wants to have sex. He goes to bed at 4am and is a grump in the morning. I wish I had some magical solution for you, if you ever figure it out let me knowā¦ but I feel you pain.
Not nearly enough context here to offer advice.
How long have you been together? How was sex at the beginning of the relationship vs. now and how did you guys get from point A to point B?
When you have had discussions about this how do they go? What does she say and how do you approach them? Is she suffering with a low libido? Are you guys struggling with mismatched kinks?
How comfortable with sex is she? How often do you guys openly discuss sex? How often do you discuss fantasies? How often after sex do you debrief and discuss what you like and dislike?
I could go on and on and on. There is no generic answer here. Itās always extremely unique to the couple and their circumstances.
Scheduled sex. Like you, Iām ready for sex more(daily orgasms are great, than her (twice a week is good)
At the beginning of the week we schedule the two days, I keep myself happy by in between.
Itās the anxiety of not knowing/anticipation/let down that sucks.
Why is this such a common occurrence when a woman wonāt initiate sex? I read at least two threads a week about it here
I feel the same way only to get told no constantly and it makes me feel some type of way, I guess it hurts to be rejected nonstop, the relationship isn’t based around sex but it’s nice to do it more than once every week or two weeks I’m a 24m and I have a high sex drive so not being able to kills me
if your partner isnt sexually compatible find someone else, dont try and make your partner bend to your will
I would take the time to find out what really turns her on and make your WANT you
My partner 100% has a responsive sex drive. As a consequence im always the one initiating intimacy. After talking to them about it multiple times, they just dont think about sex if its not actually happening, but if I initiate its full steam ahead with lots of vigor.
It might be that you have a similar situation?
If you love this person pour your heart out in a letter.
You need more partners
I hate one word answers and few word answers but…
Communicate and set clear goals/expectations
Sex is usually a guage of the relationship and the individuals in the relationship. If sex life is struggling something outside the bedroom is struggling. Stress, unresolved hurt, lack of non-sexual emotional intimacy, medical issues, birth control….any number of issues. You really just need to talk with her about it.
Iām a woman in this situation with a man. It sucks to be the one with the higher libido. Hereās a few things to think about:
Is she on birth control pills or anti depressants? Her meds could be a huge factor in low sex drive.
Then think about what causes her stress lately – her job, the cleanliness of the house? Is there things sheās always nagging you about that you could do? Could you do anything to make her feel supported further so her mindset can be relaxed and focusing on sex? The book Fair Play and the cards that come with them is a great tool for sharing the workload that comes with running a household together and that could take things off her plate.
Another issues could be body image – is she feeling complimented enough/called beautiful and sexy every day? If sheās gained weight she might be self conscious which is affecting her drive – there are many factors regarding body image that could be holding her back. She will need therapy to work through this.
Then think about what she might not be enjoying about the sex – could be that she finds it hard to finish or feels like itās a chore. Maybe sheās faking it and is afraid to admit it. Try reading books like She Comes First or Come as you are to gain a bit more perspective.
Sit her down and communicate. Schedule in a time to have sex – it sounds silly and unsexy but it works. If sheās not in the mood, she could kiss you while you finish yourself.
Sex drives go up and down in life. If itās just an incompatibility between the two of you that has gone on for a long time then consider ending it. Sex/couples therapy is another avenue.
I should add that I donāt know anything about the context but hopefully some of this applies to you and you can work through it.
We schedule it and it works really well
…talk about it? Like, properly, without getting upset and not when you want sex. Maybe even write a letter so you don’t ramble and can say exactly what you mean.
That’s so sad it must hurt going through that…
You don’t sound that compatible sexually. Though your op didn’t mention if you have discussed this with her, just you waiting
Start with discussions and if that doesn’t get anywhere but you still want to stay in the relationship maybe see if she would agree to an open relationship
Though I’d be leaving if it were me, sexual satisfaction is important to me
Time to trade her in for a newer model.
Im sorry. When i was in the position, it was like that for so long i became resentful of my dude, and after a while stoped being attracted to him at all. I only started to feel myself again after we broke up. That was my personal experience with this situation.
Yeah, reaching the breaking point here. I’ve been pretty open about this and she’s been trying a bit more lately.
At one point we had a rule that she had to initiate 3 times mon-fri and I’d do the rest. It actually worked out decently well. The only problem was that 3 times mon-fri wasn’t enough for me. So when the period of time we agreed on this rule for came to an end I didn’t try and renew it. It was a mistake since now we have sex less than 3 times mon-fri.
It’s weird, she is adamant that she wants sex, adamant she finds me attractive, so many good and nice words for me, but its only words. There is always an excuse for why the words aren’t backed up by actions. Work, tired, headache, bloated, tried…
I can’t have 12 hours of cuddling for 30 mins of sex. Not worth it. I’d rather masturbate.
My openness on my feelings on the topic should have left her knowing that this is a deal breaker.
It has to be a two way street! I learned the hard way! I now encourage a candid conversation between the two of you so neither waste each otherās time! My story below.
Married when we were twenty, 1-2 times a week to start and after about a year I was only allowed 1 maybe two times a month. Skip forward 30 years later, I ended the sexless marriage. It did not matter what I did to try to warm her up even daily, massage sore back, rub her feet, clean the house take over the cooking, laundry. She just ignored me and actually treated me poorly for simply making an advance.
Best thing I ever did for myself! Now in a healthy relationship where the sky is the limit and I am honored to do the chores out of love and sacrifice and not out of begging for any attention.
I am one who now tells other men to not waste a minute of their time. Of course with the warning of donāt be an asshole and realize you have to earn it as well!
I had a partner that flat out said that she would never initiate sex ever. She would build up the frustration and maybe act more available, but she would never initiate. It’s just not part of her nature.
Now I know it’s called ‘responsive/reactive desire’ and most women have it, as opposed to ‘generative/active desire’, which most men seem to have. The first needs initiation to be turned on, the second one gets turned on spontaneously.
You can talk to your partner, but sometimes it just is what it is. I feel you, though. I feel like I’ve felt that frustration a million times.
You should check r/DeadBedrooms .
I actually had an issue with my ex that this reminds me of. I would initiate and he would just sit there like a dead fish letting it happen, which was a huge turn off for me and I would just stop. After a while we talked about this and he said that he does enjoy what I’m doing, but he doesn’t usually reciprocate because he doesn’t want to get his hopes up, because I usually stop.
Now, mind you, our relationship wasn’t healthy. So there’s no happy ending here (pardon the pun), BUT I imagine if there was a healthy relationship in place with good communication this would have been a laughing together situation.
“Well I don’t do anything because you always stop”
“Well I always stop because you don’t do anything”
“Omg lol what a miscommunication, I’m glad we talked about this” and then whatever happens, happens.
Idk. I might be wrong but my entire point is maybe you should approach it gently and have a conversation. You never know what’s going on in her head.
I am at this point in our marriage 24 years together 22 married, i have had talks with wife about this exact topic. I do my best no to blame shame or accuse. But after 24 years of always initiating, I told her I’m done it has wreaked havoc on my self esteem my libido crawling into resentment. Im sure i will get attacked blamed shamed and dehumanized for admitting this but it is what it is now. Im tired of thinking about it trying all the time to make some one feel beautiful sexy appreciated loved but don’t get the same reciprocated.