I would really like advice on this, specifically from guys though. I 24F have never had a boyfriend, but I have had 2 “situationships” that were eerily similar (see details below) and I want to avoid that happening a 3rd time. It’s become a pattern for me now so I feel it must be something I’m doing wrong. I have a Hinge 1st date tomorrow and he seems nice and normal so far. I’d like a serious relationship with the right person but honestly have no idea how to approach this anymore.
Where is the line between seeing how things go/letting it play out naturally, VS. not getting dragged along for 3.5 months?
Background: The story is literally the exact same for both guys I dated. One in 2020 and one this year: I make it clear within the first few dates that I’m looking for something serious and they also state the same desire. (Second guy actually brought it up first.) So.. cool, we have the same intentions. So we date, hit it off, start sleeping together (like 4-5 weeks in). It progresses, there’s the emotional connection, we sort of establish we’re not seeing anyone else (for sleeping together purposes) but then after 3.5 months, with no “official” relationship in site, I bring it up and they end things, saying they just aren’t sure about me/our connection and are “really sorry”, and I end up very hurt, wondering why they didn’t tell me that a month or two ago when they realized that. I think these guys were probably just enjoying sleeping with me and when I applied any pressure they dipped. Makes sense… they seemed to have better morals than that but whatever. So how do I avoid that??
Do I need to bring the topic back up after like 1 month? Doesn’t that seem desperate though?
Do I wait until we’re in a relationship to sleep with him? I’ve heard ppl say the right guy won’t care when you sleep with him (2nd date or 2 months in). I’m super lost, if you can’t already tell.
7 comments
This doesn’t sound like something you did. It just sounds like bad luck. You have no choice but to continue to be up front and continue being yourself. Nothing wrong with sleeping with them etc. 3 months is a long time to think it was something you somehow did that made them not want to see you again. But I can’t say for a fact unless you can break down if anything happened with both of them in that time out of the ordinary.
Consider this though: We are in the age of options and “greener grass” syndrome. So you are going to naturally struggle and be more likely to run into this problem if you are swiping on guys who just look handsome and are doing well for themselves in life. These sorts of people have options. And you have to be their absolute best one, not just for the first 3 months, for them to stay – but that doesn’t just mean your looks.
Why don’t you ask about relationship status earlier? If they disappear at that point … you have your answer
Guys who say they’re looking for serious relationship pre sex. Either they’re lying or they’re telling truth with good intentions, but if the sex is bad, they will bail.
Just so you know, the two assholes you dated were the lying type.
3-4 dates is the common threshold for sex. Too early invites the fukbois, too late, most normal guys will bail, leaving only the masochists and sociopaths.
You DTR after the first time you have sex. Now you’ve had your test-drive, time to sign the contract. Lease, lease to purchase, or outright purchase. Dealers don’t give buyers free test-drives all the time, and neither should you.
Okay what I’m thinking is on my future first dates, I shouldn’t even ask about what he’s looking for. Just let it progress naturally and then after we sleep together, see if he tries to make things more serious, and if not, I’ll just move on.
Dont ever wear your scars on your sleeve, advertising LTR because you got burned in the past is almost like a dinner bell for people to seek out situationships/hookups . Have an easy few dates but gatekeep anything deeper behind an official relationship, you will sort out the serious from the players real quick. No need to pressure anyone into a relationship but let them know you have a boundary that they are not allowed to cross without comittment.
I’m going to provide a different opinion than most men are going to tell you.
I had this problem for years. I got so tired of feeling like absolute shit when I’d find myself in situationships. It’s nonsense to say that you have to test drive sex before you commit. Yes, you have to be sexually compatible, but that doesn’t require sex over and over again.
Sexual compatibility can be worked on. You also have to gage if your partner can take feedback, is as explorative as you, has the same sex drive etc. This requires communication way more than several sexual tries. Meaning you don’t have to sleep with someone for months on end to know if you want to commit.
Therefore, date and vet your dates. Don’t parrot that you’re looking for a serious relationship. All that will do is let the dude know you need to believe/feel like you’re in a relationship before you sleep with him. YOU DONT NEED TO LET SOMEONE KNOW WHEN YOU WILL HAVE SEX WITH THEM. Keep that to yourself. Just observe.
Also, you can judge if someone actually wants to date you from very early on. If they take you on actual dates and set them up—that’s promising. If they ask you genuine questions to gauge compatibility, that’s a good sign. If you find you’re doing most of the talking—that’s a sign you might be with an avoidant type and he’s someone who’s just waiting for you to give in to sex.
You set the bar for the standard for dating you/sleeping with you. There are plenty of men if one doesn’t meet that bar. Trust me.
Hi. I’m proud of you for being assertive and clarifying the intentions of the other party.
It’s not easy to bring up those kind of things but I am proud of you for bringing it up.
I had a similar situation months ago (except for the sleeping part) I have been talking non stop with this guy for like three months before we went out on a date (movie and coffee).
He initiated holding hands and hugging during the date. So right after the date I thought things were good and all since at the beginning he also said his intentions and how he likes to get to know me more and that I am the only girl he is talking to.
However when I popped the question, he then goes he is not ready despite the fact that we enjoyed the date and that we talk all the time.
It’s not that something is wrong with you. It’s more of their problem. Maybe they just enjoyed your company but isn’t really ready for something serious.
Just keep being assertive and the right person will come.