Some background. 36M. Former fat kid that has general anxiety and a touch of body dysmorphia. Well aware of my issues and have been actively working on them. My issues have caused me to lose a few potential relationships due to my anxiety when it comes to intimacy, my body image issues also play a part in that as it causes me to hold back and be reserved. This has also led to me getting friend zoned a lot in the past as I have never been very forward romantically and also very bad and picking up on cues. I’ve had a hard time opening up about these issues in the past and typically just let things die out rather than actually discussing my issues out of fear of judgement. Also have a crippling fear of rejection and hold back as a safety precaution to keep myself from getting hurt.
Current situation is I have been dating a 35F for the past 8 weeks. Things have been going well, at least I think so/thought so. I’ve been making a conscious effort to be more outgoing with this as I really like this person and feel a connection with them. However my anxiety and body issues has led to me still holding back with physical affection and intimacy.
She recently brought up issues with our physical chemistry. I actually explained my anxieties and how it effects me and reassured her that I am very much interest in her and attraction to her and that it is something that I have been actively working on. This was met with an explanation that she is not sure she shares the same attraction and that it might be because she hasn’t been able to tell. I reiterated that I am willing to work on this and would love the chance to correct this. She’s willing to give me a chance to work on being more intimate and physical. She was concerned if this is an issue when I’m in a relationship and I explained that it’s not cause at that point the anxiety is gone as they fear or an unknown response/reaction is lessened. She was reassured by that and said she wanted us to be open and transparent with communication rather than having miscommunications and misunderstandings.
This all happened late yesterday and my
anxiety has been seriously triggered and I’ve been kind of pulling back and giving space. I’ve explained my anxiety, didn’t really touch on my body issues as I’m not really comfortable discussing that so openly, however the whole issue of not sharing attraction has my mind reading she doesn’t find my attractive and really triggered my issues.
She is clearly fine with giving me a chance to work on this. I’m just unsure how. And as someone that has had numerous potential relationships tanked because of these issues I really want to make this one work and have been pushing myself past my comfort zone to do so. But as these issues have cost me relationships in the past I can’t get out of my head that this one is also DOA because of them and I am waiting for the “you’re a great guy and will find someone” line to be dropped on me.
2 comments
Different women, just like men, are attracted to all sorts of different body types. If your self confidence is struggling because you don’t have the fit, 6-pack, male model, athletic body type, it’s time to drop that way of thinking. The majority of women aren’t even attracted to that, myself included.
Confidence is probably the most universal thing that we are attracted to (just not narcissistic over-confidence). I would say, try to let go of the body image thing. If body related anxiety pops into your head, which it will, acknowledge it and let it pass. It will get easier with time. Focus on being active and healthy, but don’t worry too much about the aesthetic component of fitness. You can’t please everyone.
Edit to add:
Also, a lot of women don’t develop strong attraction until things get more physical and/or emotionally close. It builds slowly for a lot of us. A good physical chemistry is part of the whole attraction equation. It’s not an instant “hot or not” type of judgement. Physical attraction can build when the relationship is good,or it can die if it’s not good. It’s not all visual.
I understand that it’s hard, but try to disconnect “physical chemistry” from attraction. If you’ve been dating for 8 weeks there is definitely attraction there of some sort, and I would consider her question around physical chemistry more a compatibility question, which is fair and you’ll want to know the same thing for yourself. You deserve someone who you feel comfortable with, someone who makes you excited and who you just have fun with, inside and outside of the bedroom. You’re going to come across women who are super pretty but whom you don’t share that with, just like there will be women attracted to you, but for whatever reason you don’t end up with anyway. That’s okay.
Try to reframe this as her being invested in really finding out if the two of you could be a good match, which is wonderful, and as an equal opportunity for you to find out the same thing. This isn’t you having to prove yourself to her, this is a joint effort where you both take responsibility to open up enough to find out the potential of a deeper connection, and that usually requires intimacy of some sort. I think you’ve been very brave and mature to share your anxieties with her. That’s a brilliant first step. If she is the right person for you, she will take that into consideration and manage her expectations when it comes to pace and what you feel comfortable with, but I also think that if you try to view rejection here as less of rejection and more like a process to explore the potential of your connection (not how hot you are, or how worthy you are of her etc.) you can allow yourself to be more intimate too. Maybe she will tell you that you’re a great guy, but she’s not interested, maybe she won’t – but one thing is for certain, you are attractive, you are worthy of love and you will have a bigger chance of the outcome you want, if you allow yourself to trust that you’re going to be okay. You’re going to find your person.