TW: SA… Family relationship: I miss my mom

My mother (f46) and I (f24) have destroyed our relationship. We used to be SO close, like Gilmore Girls close. In hindsight, probably way too codependent. I always thought of her as my rock, & I knew she had mental health issues (we’re both bipolar, but she’s undiagnosed & in denial), but I never believed anyone when they said what an awful person she was.

Flashback to when I was 21: she just got out of a 5 year relationship/engagement & met this new guy that she used to know in high school. They’d been talking for about 3 weeks when she told me she’d like to introduce us. I was excited, but also weary, as my mom always brought guys in & out of my life. Sometimes I got attached, like to her (ex) fiancé.

We sat in the living room & talked for a few hours. We also drank some adult beverages. I thought he seemed like an okay (but very strange, just a little “off,” if you will) guy. We all go to bed, & the next thing I know, he’s in my room, with no clothes on. He stared at me for a second & left. I went back to sleep, confused, intoxicated, & discombobulated. The next morning, I thought it may have been a dream.

It wasn’t. We sat down for breakfast, & my mom & him were laughing about what he did. They explained that our houses are set up very similarly & his room at his house is where my room was at mine. Plus, he was drinking. I kind of laughed it off, just feeling awkward that I’d seen my mom’s new guy’s junk the first time meeting him.

Here’s where I should mention: I was SA as a young child by my biological father. I have ptsd, bad ptsd.

The next night, he ended up in my bed, cuddling me. I was too tired to even know what was going on, but he realized & left after a few minutes. Then, in the morning, I wake up to him & his junk again staring at me in my doorway. I didn’t have a lock on my door, or that would’ve been used after the first incident. We sat down to breakfast, & again, they’re laughing about the situation. I laughed awkwardly, not knowing what to do.

When he left, I pulled my mom aside & told her he needs to go, meaning break it off. She agrees that the room thing is a problem & says I won’t see him again.

Later, we’re with family, & my mom starts talking about a text he just sent her. I angrily left the room. She didn’t notice.

Flash forward: they’ve been together for 3ish years now. I told my mom that my ptsd was triggered & I didn’t want to be around him. She continuously agreed & then would later go back on her word & bring him around. Long story short, she kicked me out for being disrespectful towards both of them & I am living with my father (adopted, not the one who SA’d me). Her whole family doesn’t understand why I won’t go to any events anymore, or attend anything that he is invited to. They say they don’t understand how I’m so triggered by him, yet laughed off the incidents at first.

I won’t pretend I’m innocent. Since this happened, I’ve said things I never imagined coming out of my mouth to my mother. I intentionally broke her down & made her feel awful out of hurt & rage. I even pushed her once. During our last conversation, I blamed her for my childhood trauma at the hands of my bio father. I told her that her oblivion & denial probably let the abuse go on for as long as it did. I insinuated that she knew the whole time, but didn’t want to deal with it. She admitted that she often lives a life of denial “but not about something like that.”

We don’t talk anymore, other than when it has to do with my dog (who still lives with her. I visit him when they go away & take him frequently during the week for walks & such. I also pay for all of his needs, I just can’t bring him to my dad’s). I just thought I meant more to her than I do. I miss so much who I thought she was. However, I’m beginning to think that the only reason she paid so much attention to me & loved me so much is because I was the only one left who hadn’t seen through her bs. She claims I’m a brat & am just mad that she doesn’t cater to me anymore.

How do I know if she’s a narcissist? How can you have a relationship with a narcissist? How do I know if I am so blinded by my PTSD that I can’t see that the situation wasn’t “a big deal?” How do I know if I’m overreacting? Trust me when I say you don’t know hurt until you’ve lost a parent, in one way or another. I still love her, but I think there may be too much resentment there to ever reconcile. What do I do if she comes back? She has a history of cheating, so I always hoped she’d cheat on him, but she thinks he’s her “one.” This has affected my mental health for so long. I just don’t know what to do.