Some quick notes:
1. It’s a throwaway account.
2. We live together in a rented apartment that’s leased to me and has my security deposit.
3. It’s been less than a year that we have been together.
4. English isn’t my first language so please forgive any mistakes.
How we ended up together is also a very weird turns of events. I think it would provide you with a good insight of what I’m going through.
We met towards the end of last year through a dating app. We hooked up for a while, a few times in 3 months. She also asked me once in that time period as to where we stood, and I replied that we were seeing each other and only time could tell.
After those initial months I had to be admitted to the ER and had a surgery. She stayed with me at the hospital and when I was discharged, she took a few of her belongings to come stay with me. I didn’t ask her for that and but I was sure grateful for the help. Specially since the surgery had complications and my recovery took almost two months before I was self reliant. During that time she took care of me, devoid of any selfish reasons.
After my recovery she asked me if she could move in, and I said yes. More so because I felt indebted to her and also, for all practical purposes she had been living with me anyway.
At some point she decided we were in a relationship, and I was feeling so indebted to her at this point I didn’t protest or say anything. And it was good as well in most things.
As far as compatibility vs chemistry goes, we are almost a 100% on compatibility. The relationship, as now thats what it was, was great. There was no friction, great communication, we liked doing the same things, going on trips. It was and is still a stable relationship without drama or hassle. If we have differences we solve it by sitting down and talking.
The problem is that I feel no chemistry with her. Sex was okay at best during hookups because our body was new to each other but now it’s become a chore that I do not look forward to. I do not feel sexually attracted to her, we never had the honeymoon phase, and I was never in love with her. That giddy feeling or spark you have when you start falling for someone was entirely absent. However she is in love with me, and has had problems with my lack of sexual desire and can feel that something is wrong. I try to hide that I’m not in love as much as I can and I do have sex once every other month or so just so she doesn’t feel ignored. But I’m nearing my breaking point, as I really feel lonely and stuck in this situation.
Present situation:
I recently got to know that she was abused as a child and has repressed those trauma but its causing her to have problems now such as anxiety etc. She is also struggling with her weight and body image. I was on the verge of telling her that we should break up but I don’t think that it’s a good option right now as that means she will have to move out in a fragile state. I do not want to abandon her and wanna help her as much as I can (like helping her see a therapist), provide emotional support when she is fragile. She also told me that staying friends after a breakup is not an option for her (when I brought up a hypothetical break up situation). The lack of a relationship where I’m in love with the person is also affecting my mental health.
Should I tell her the truth and try to be there for her as a friend? Or should I stick with her through this and go our separate ways till she is better?
Tldr: Got in a relationship that I wasn’t ready for, due to weird turn of events and now I am not sure how to get out without hurting my girlfriend.
2 comments
> I feel no chemistry with her. Sex was okay at best during hookups because our body was new to each other but now it’s become a chore that I do not look forward to. I do not feel sexually attracted to her, we never had the honeymoon phase, and I was never in love with her. That giddy feeling or spark you have when you start falling for someone was entirely absent.
This is really the only part that matters. If there’s no chemistry and you’re not in love with her stop leading her on. You may think you’re doing the “nice” thing by staying with her but you’re actually doing more harm by stringing her along and wasting her time when she could be working on herself and eventually finding a partner that actually likes her.
You need to end the relationship and go your separate ways. It’s more harmful to her to keep the relationship going if your heart is not in it; because, as you said, she feels something is off. And hiding your true feelings will only fuel her anxiety and insecurity.
You need to come clean about how you feel and figure out the logistics of separating your life. It will be hard to tell her because her feelings are stronger than yours, so yes, it will hurt for her in the short term. But in the long-term, trust me, she will be grateful you ended it. No one wants to be in relationship limbo.