TL;DR: Boyfriend unemployed for 8 months and seems to be making no process. Should I end it?
We’ve been talking since march, and dating since july. He’s(21M) been unemployed the entire time. He did have a job sometime during 2020/2021, before we met.
I(17NB) pay for most of the things in the relationship. I’m also the only one with a car/license. But, he has paid for stuff a handful of times.
Since July I had been bringing up the idea of him getting a job and he seemed on board, but nothing has changed. He did have a few months where he was planning to join the army, but now I think he’s decided not to do that. On Nov. 1 I asked him for an update on the job search and he said he’d make it happen this month. November is halfway over and I haven’t heard anything about it. He does have some family issues that makes it harder for him to get a job. But then again, I don’t think he’s seriously brought the idea of getting a job up with his parents. I’m 100% sure he’s not leeching off of me. He doesn’t ask me to buy him things unless it’s food when we go out together (but I always offer to get him something if I’m getting myself something.)
Between gas/miles on my car and paying for our outings, it does add up. If I had the money to spare I might not mind as much. But, I’m a college bound student that also has monthly expenses to pay. Because I’m college bound, I want someone that I can have a future with. And I really want him to be that person. On Reddit I see a lot of comments saying “well you’re asking on reddit, you clearly want to end things” but, that really isn’t the case. I’m just trying to see if ending it would be the right decision because I do love him and our time together. He’s treated me the best out of any relationship or friendship I’ve ever had. Is it worth loosing him?
Just wanted to add, 17 is the legal age of consent where I’m from
Thanks 🙂
14 comments
Why is a 21 year old dating a minor who’s 4 years younger than him and probably still in high school. Break up with him
You may not want to end it. And that definitely isn’t the only answer. However, your partner should want to help contribute toward your relationship even if it’s not equal across the board.
First. He needs to be honest about his job situation. Stop accepting answers that are just vague responses to get you off his back. “i’ll make it happen” “this month i promise” “no one is getting back to me” are all excuses and are not acceptable answers. He needs to be honest about if he is truly searching for a job or no, because at the moment it really does not look like it.
Secondly. You have to ask yourself how you will feel if this continues long-term. Do you see yourself being ok with supporting a 30 year old man in 10 years? Do you feel that you can keep from resenting him if he doesn’t change? Do you feel you’ll still be attracted to him if he continues this way? This issue has existed for a while so it’s reasonable to ask yourself what will be the reality if things remain this way.
Third. Are you ready to give an ultimatum? Is him not having a source of income a dealbreaker for you? Does him not having employment and seemingly not seeking any out affect the way you view him and your relationship?
Another question to ask is, do you think this is coming from a lack of motivation or a lack of initiative? because those are different imo.
I know it’s a lot of questions but I agree that up and leaving is not always the answer. I think these might be good to start with especially if you think that him not finding a job could be a dealbreaker for you. If you feel that way that’s a good place to start the conversation!
Oh, he’s sponging off of you, and nothing’s going to change as long as he has you to prop him up.
End it.
There are too many employed people out there for you to have to put up with that nonsense.
It would be bad enough that he’s 21 and dating a 17-year-old, but he’s also a bum who is mooching off you? Nah, dump this clown.
You’re a college bound 17 year old.
He’s a 21 year old who hasn’t pursued any kind of employment in at least a year.
You *are* going to break up. This might keep working for the next few months to a year, but it won’t work longer than that. At 21, or even at 19, you’ll give yourself permission to want better in a partnership than this.
Ohhh the age gap combined with you paying for everything is such a red flag. He’s ABSOLUTELY leeching off of you lol what’s your definition of leeching if it doesn’t include paying for your dates every single time? He’s dating you because girls his age wouldn’t put up with this, he’s surfing on the “cool older guy” factor. You’d be right to break up, find someone who can match what you bring to the table.
The age difference alone should be a reason to breakup. No 21 yo should be dating a 17 yo, ever. Throw in that he is an unemployed and leeching off you…. when will you come to your senses?
If he wanted a job he would have one. If he only wants a good job, he’d show you applications and interviews to prove he’s putting in the effort.
dude is a 21 year old loser who is dating a 17 year old and the 17 year old is paying for everything. Straight up bum. Get your head out of your butt and date kids you go to school with. Focus on your future because that guy has no future.
Yes you should break up with him. He offers nothing.
And you’re young- have fun with someone who can treat you sometimes
You can’t make him grow up until he wants to. He sounds really stuck. And that’s a totally fine reason to not be interested in the relationship anymore. You want a partner who takes responsibility for his life and his own expenses rather than wait around for things to happen.
You don’t have to be the one to teach him how to adult.
the fact that hes unemployed is the least of your problems.
As someone who thought it was no big deal to date an older man with no practical prospects when I was young– yes, you should break up with him. There is no good reason for a grown man of legal drinking age to be with a child (it might be legal, but the difference between 21 and 17 is enormous, and when you’re 21 you’re probably gonna be squicked out to think of this). The fact that he’s unemployed and doing nothing about it implies to me that he’s dating a kid because no adult person would have him.
Beyond all that, you’re too young with too many new experiences coming down the pike to be tied to someone you have to worry about and spend money to see. Break up, enjoy college, and find someone who can be an equal partner.
From what I’ve gathered, he sounds pretty unmotivated to find employment and isn’t so committed in doing so. 8 months is an extensively long time to put off getting employment. Family issues can cause problems, yes, but there are a handful of jobs with flexible schedules and are very accommodating to hectic lives. Some may even provide programs that help people get out of those situations and find housing. If he needs someone to talk to, then if he has health insurance, he can call to ask for a list of therapists covered by the insurance, which should land him some professional help at the lowest possible expenses. There are plenty of things to do, but it seems like he’s not doing any. If this is causing any strain on your finances then it’s time for him to step up, especially being older. You need to put your foot down and make him start paying for more stuff, because you contribute so much more in this relationship financially than he does. He may be only asking you to buy food, but if he pays for stuff where is getting money? Probably from someone else. Love and affection do not pay the bills.
If he wants to make it work, he’d be job searching and get stuff done. Because of how easy it is to apply, he should have at least one job application done in one day. It’s really not that hard, especially if you’re not looking for anything specific. If he can’t contribute to make this work for you and make it easier then he doesn’t deserve to have you. 8 months will turn into 9, 10, a year, two years… so as long as you keep supporting him.
What will you do if he doesn’t step up and help out? I understand he’s got family issues, but how long are you willing to wait? Are you willing to put your wants over your needs? You want to be with him because you love and care about him, but do you need him? Is he more important to you than being able to financially support yourself enough to have extra money in your pocket? These are questions you need to an answer to. He’s putting it off constantly because he knows he can get away with it, I know because I’ve been like that before. Days turn to weeks, months which turn into years. That’s how it is. If he feels bad, wouldn’t he do something about it so it doesn’t keep happening? I wouldn’t want to be involved in a relationship I had to constantly pay for the other person. It’s absolute folly.
If you do decide to leave, it’s not the end of the world. You’re still young so it may be overwhelming, but it’s a bigger world out there. And there’s guys who are caring and loving with great personalities that would most definitely never allow you to always pay for everything. You might even meet someone in college. But just so you know, if you make a decision make sure to stand firm and stand tall. If something causes a strain in a relationship, and you feel you’re the only one trying to do something about it, then know you’re not obligated to put up with it. You do what you can, and you can’t force someone to do something if they don’t want to. Hope this helps OP.