Do I message an explanation after weeks? I feel like I ghosted someone and feel bad for it. I want to go forward and be more honest and open in my relationships.
Okay. So I dated a guy 4 times. He originally said he was out of an ltr and wasn’t looking for something serious.
I was also out of ltr and just exploring tinder/dating. I knew in future I want to be married but I was open to casual dating at the time. To be honest, I wanted to feel desired again as my ex stopped the physical affection a long time before I left. This guy was nice, I’d met him in person once and he seemed cool. He was the first on the app who I was attracted to who also seems a good guy who made the effort to ask me out.
So we went out twice. Got on okay. I though he is a really cool guy. I felt chemistry. He messaged regularly and it was nice to have someone to chat to. We had 2 more dates that ended in okay sex. It wasn’t amazing. Part of the reason was I started thinking, that I shouldn’t be doing it because I knew he wasn’t after “something serious” and I felt I want more. I knew that I needed to stop engaging with him so that I can be available for someone who actually wants a real romantic relationship with me.
So a few days after our last date, I messaged to say thank you for the date. He replied and we back and forth messaged some small talk. He was the last to message and I never replied. He never messaged again.
It’s been several weeks. I saw him out a week ago and he acknowledged me when walking past but just said hi, looked kinda cold, like he wasn’t happy with me, then walked past.
I’m wondering do I message him now to tell him why I stopped talking to him? We have mutual acquaintances. I feel bad for not telling him at the time, I just didn’t know what to say and I didn’t want to embarrass myself and appear too emotional when I knew he just wanted casual.
I just feel bad that I spent time taking and connecting with this guy. I respect him and I know he has feelings even if he wanted casual. I wanted to show him the respect of an explanation of why things ended from my point of view.
Is it too late to say something and what do I say?
19 comments
I would personally, but I woukd have no expectations on what or if he replies. I would just do it to clear my conscience and to make it less awkward when I bump into him next. I also wouldn’t over explain/pander.
For me personally, I will always give someone the opportunity to either apologize or explain themselves if they did something wrong. But… my only caveat to that is that when I do give them that opportunity it is actually genuine, otherwise I will close the door for good on them.
Dating sucks, and it sucks even more when you’re doing it in this age group. But people still do make mistakes, whether it be coming off too strong, or being uncertain, etc… So, if someone does something to hurt me, such as ghost or break things off prematurely, I will give them a second chance as long as it’s not months/years down the road crawling back treating me like a backup plan, but they are 100% genuine in their remorse/explanation with a corrective action plan for going forward.
Edit: I’ll just add one thing. When it comes to trying to find the love of your life, never ever take the easy way out. This is the one thing in life you never want to look back on and have regrets over. So, if you want closure, send that text/call to try and get it. If someone did something that made you look at them differently, don’t cut and run, talk to them about it. You messed up and ended things, but now regret it? Reach out to them. When it doubt just use basic communication skills.
I think you are reading way too much into a passing glance.
But it’s never too late to take a bit of accountability and apologize for not communicating. As long you’re prepared to take the small risk of an escalating negative response, I would.
But keep it *really* short. If it’s more than 200-250 words, you’re babbling and only providing things for him to latch on to negatively. Best to just apologize for not explaining your perspective… you enjoyed the time… but realized you wanted t be available for someone who actually wants a serious connection and took him at his word that wasn’t him right now.
Don’t do it.
He’s doing what he (and you) said you were doing: casual dating. If he wants an explanation then he’ll ask for it. But giving one out of the blue now is not a good idea. IF you want to rekindle things-then reach out now; but don’t reach out to say “I stopped talking to you because…”
It’s good to be honest and give an explanation-don’t get me wrong. But the time to do that has passed.
I think it’s almost always okay to apologize. Just be brief, accountable and clear.
Being a decent person is it’s own reward.
He sent the last message, you didn’t reply, he never texted again. I don’t think it counts as ghosting. It just fizzled. But I’m getting the feel that you want to reconnect. Don’t. He doesn’t want what you want.
What is your underlying motivation for wanting to do this?
I would get the impression that things didn’t work out with the prime prospect you were going for and so you are rolling back to the backup pool of prospects. But that isn’t necessarily what he will think.
No. I say leave it alone at this point. Not everything you meet is going to work out.
Honestly, this sounds more about you than him. You feel guilty about possibly ghosting (which, I don’t think you did, necessarily. If cared enough, I’d imagine that he would have shot over another text) and want him to ease that guilt. If I was him and got that text from you, I’d probably roll my eyes and continue with my day.
Just move on and in the future, if you don’t want to feel you might have ghosted someone, tell them you’re not interested.
I don’t think you should feel any guilt, it seems to have ended naturally. If he had reached out again and you ignored him that would be another story. Some things just don’t work out though
It doesn’t seem like you have anything to apologize for, it seems like a mutual decision to move on. If you had actually ghosted him then I would be all for it, but why reach out now?? What do you even have to apologize for? Also, it seems like you’re just going out of your way to make sure he knows he’s rejected 😂 Unless you have an interest in having some sort of friendship or something with him, I don’t see it as being helpful to either of you.
I wouldn’t bother. If I was on the receiving end of this after this length of time my reaction would be “ok, cool” and I likely wouldn’t reply as it’s not worth the energy. Also if he didn’t reach out either he probably isn’t that invested
Nah. You don’t need to… but if you want to maybe briefly say…” hey I hope you’re well. I ghosted you and now realizing it wanna reach out and see how you are, also I’m sorry.”
Something like that or whatever… cuz some ppl need and appreciate that and others don’t want it or even notice the ghosting …
Leaving it on the last text he sent isn’t really ghosting, although to the person on the receiving end it generally feels that way. The convo fizzled and didn’t get re-ignited. Been on both sides of that and when I had sent the last text I did have some hard feelings and then I did it months later and realized how easy it is to let that happen when you’re just not into someone. If you want to see him again then you can message him, if you’re just worried about it being weird then tell him next time you’re forced to interact.
If you really feel the need to reach out then a simple, “Sorry I didn’t respond to your last message. It feels like things have fizzled out, wishing you the best,” type of text will suffice. No need to explain anything further than that as neither of you has texted in weeks.
I definitely wouldn’t consider what you did ghosting. It sounds like a mutual fade which would mean he might of lost interest as well. I would personally let it go.
Seems more like a mutual fade from both of you than you ghosting him.
“He was the last to message and I never replied. He never messaged again.”
What was his last message? If it was to ask you out (or variations on that) and you ignored it then this is obviously ghosting. If it was just the natural end of the conversation and neither of you initiated a new one then it’s not ghosting. You both faded each other out due to presumed lack of interest on both sides.