My mother has done a really bad mistake. I thought I am over it but the moment she messes up when it comes to something else, I become very intolerant, and I hate myself for it. I am afraid that I hold grudges no matter what I do. There are times when I feel love for her but basically, I don’t have any margin of error for her. She’s trying to be better but she’s not someone I necessarily look up to. I feel like I am the mother in many cases.
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Sounds to me that your standards are really high. Is it even possible for her to meet what you expect of her? Just because someone is a parent doesn’t mean they’re going to be a perfect person. Most are not anywhere close. If you are doing much better than her in life then good for you but don’t expect the same from her. You have to put the bar on what would be best for the individual.
Just try to always remember that she loves you unconditionally, and she probably never meant to hurt you in any way.
Learn from her mistakes so that you don’t repeat them, that’s all you can do.
Smart people learn from their mistakes.
Very smart people learn from *other people’s* mistakes.
It’s my father for me. If Mum dies first, I’m going to quickly get away from him and repress the fact of his existence.
I think it depends on the nature of the mistake, and whether it’s part of a lifetime pattern you’ve been subject to.
When your parents are themselves dysfunctional, sadly it often results in us being dysfunctional too, as we’ve had to adjust ourselves to, like you said, being more the parent than the child.
For me, the focus is on sorting myself out moreso than trying to fix them or directly change our relationship.
Parents are people, people are fallible, people fuck up.
I try tell people that they should avoid putting their parents on a pedestal, they’re people. People will always let you down, not out of malice or ill-intent but because that’s life. There’s no sense in getting mad about it.
If it hurts you a alot I would start to built up a distance so that you can calm down and get a bit of rest. I’m disappointed by my mother and I try to build up a psychological distance since we already live 650 km apart.
Depends how bad the situation was, I’ve been no contact with my mother and her family for years it is what’s best for myself
Most people get let down by one or both parents at some point and realize that parents aren’t magical omnipotent wizards, but just equally flawed, confused humans just like you. And you learn a vital lesson the hard way: you can’t truly count on anyone but yourself.
You deal with it by adjusting your life so you don’t have to count on them anymore. I don’t know how old you are or if you still live at home, but if you’re at home, move out ASAP and establish independence.
Never talk to them again…..!
I’ve been exactly where you are – so you’re not alone, let’s start there.
When I was 12, my mom passed away. Not long after that, my dad remarried. This woman was abusive to both of us during a very important and formative part of my life. That was nearly 20 years ago and our relationship (which, admittedly wasn’t close to begin with) is a little bit frosty to this day.
We don’t talk about it often, but we don’t talk about much of anything else, either. I just can’t/don’t trust him with anything important in my life because of that decision.
I’m still in therapy trying to process a lot of the things my stepmother did and said to me as a teenager, and I *know* he wasn’t trying to be malicious and part of him had no idea what he was even getting into… but the fact is I’ve spent a lot of time, money, tears, and sleepless nights trying to recover from his decision. And while I try my best to take responsibility for my actions, I’m painfully aware of how much healthier of a person I would be and how my life would likely have taken a different, far more positive direction if my father had never brought that woman into our home and lives.
You haven’t lost your love for your mom. But you *have* lost trust. And whether she meant to hurt you or not, she will have to make peace with that fact. And so will you. I say that because, if you’re anything like me, you’re mourning the loss of the relationship you hoped to have with her – a relationship you see other people have and, deep down, you probably know you need, but you just can’t get there because there’s no trust.
**She may not have been malicious in whatever she did to hurt you but it** ***was*** **careless, and as a result you can’t trust her. Your mind won’t allow you to because part of its job is to keep you away from potential danger.** ***That’s a normal human reaction – you shouldn’t feel bad about it and no one should be trying to make you*****.**
It sounds cliche but if you can talk this out with a therapist, you really should. All the better if you can bring her along with you and she’s willing to at least see how she might have hurt you with whatever she did even if she didn’t mean to.
If she didn’t… well, at that point, unfortunately, you’ll have to evaluate whether it’s better to create some distance for your own self-protection.
Either way, I hope you find people that you feel like you *can* trust, even if it winds up not being her.
just remember, your parents are people too.
People often have this idea that your parents somehow know more, should know better, have no problems….
but the reality is.. parents are just ppl trying to get by the best they possibly can.
They make mistakes, they have their own issues to deal with.
As long as you realize that you are the problem here and not your mother, and it seems you do, you’re on the right track. People make mistakes. They’re not human if they don’t. You don’t have to accept them after they make a big mistake, but if you choose to do so, then make sure you also take on the responsibility of fixing your own psychological responses toward them.