tl;dr my gf has a friend whom I’ve felt insecure around as they were affectionate – then the friend kissed me on the lips during a party and i feel like an idiot
I’ve been with my gf for 1.5 years and known the friends for a couple of months but only really talked to her a few weeks back when we were hanging out. My gf and the friend have known each other for less than a year. The few times we were hanging out together, I noticed that the friend can be very affectionate to my gf – like, long hugs, kisses on the cheek, she would kind of cuddle her hand. I didn’t really mind in the beginning, but there was one time we were hanging out where I expressed to my gf that I was slightly uncomfortable with it. The fact that the friend is gay might have had an influence on my jealousy.
She assured me it was nothing and and said she would try to keep a little more distance. And then as I came back from the toilet, they were sitting really close and cuddly. I didn’t say anything as it was unfolding, but on the way home, I told her I really didn’t like it and we had a little disagreement, which ended up in her saying she was very sorry and that she will express to the friend that she is not comfortable with it. So far so good.
One of the times we hung out at the bar where they both work, the friend invited us to her birthday party. My girlfriend had another birthday party that day, but I said that I might come without her anyway. Which was just something I said without thinking I would go through it, but then both the friend and my gf thought it was a great idea and as I didn’t have anything better to do that day anyway, I went there.
The party was fun, I had a few drinks, smoked a couple joints, met a ton of friends of the friend (she has a wife who was there, too). And then, as I was leaving and saying bye, suddenly, she kissed me on the lips. It was a bit more then just a short peck, but I do think it was an expression of platonic sympathy, nothing more. I was a little taken aback, also quite high and drunk and the kiss was short, so it was kind of over before I could react. Lots of people who were around saw that, including her wife. I’m a bit split about how I feel about the kiss – I feel guilty that it happened, but then I don’t think I could have reacted in a different way.
Now, a couple of days went past and I feel like an idiot. Have I just broken a boundary which I myself was very vocal about establishing? What should I tell her? Should I even tell her about it? Should I confront the friend about it?
EDIT: I’m M29, my gf is F29, the friend is F32
26 comments
Dude, you already fucked up. You should’ve told your GF asap.
Tell her before the friend tells her a different story. I will say though, given your GF’s behavior I wonder if this was planned.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. That said, tell your partner so you can be above board.
Tell your gf or the guilt will never go away. Ask you gf if her friend does that to everyone.
The facts as I see them are: You are uncomfortable with how physically affectionate she is with your partner, your partner has told the friend that you’re uncomfortable with it but you’ve not told us how exactly that was worded (or if you know). She then, post- a party with alcohol and weed, kissed you goodbye on the lips which you weren’t prepared for, and moved on before you could stop her and make it clear you weren’t comfortable with that. Other friends of hers saw it, her wife saw it, and none of them made any fuss about it. You’ve not noticed her flirting with either your partner or yourself, just being physically affectionate.
I think she’s an incredibly physically affectionate person to the point where it can make people uncomfortable, which isn’t something either she or you is doing wrong. Being uncomfortable with it is a reasonable boundary to make. I also think that kissing you on the lips to say goodbye was a bit much – I assume you wouldn’t be this worried about it if she kissed you on the cheek during a hug. You say you didn’t engage in the kiss and it was over before you could do anything, so I wouldn’t be worried about “breaking a boundary that [you] were vocal in establishing”, and I would maybe talk to her when you’re both sober, so you can make sure she’s heard it from you as well as your partner.
You know your partner the best, but I probably would say “oh, [friend] pecked me goodbye on the lips when we left the party which was more excessive affection I was uncomfortable with, I’m going to ask her to cool it down the next time we see her. I don’t think she’ll be mad but sorry if it gets weird.” Treating it as a thing that was annoying instead of a moral failing of anyone should make it easier for both your partner and the friend to be on the same page as you.
I don’t think it matters in this case, but sometimes for things like this the info of your gender can help redditors understand, and maybe also if you know you’re from different cultures?
Tell your girl. What that chick is doing is messed up.
She’s going to tell your gf that the affection between the two of them is no big deal since you guys have kissed.
At 32, she knows what she’s doing.
You *need* to tell your gf about this, like, yesterday. She *will* find out from someone else otherwise.
This would be fine for a lot of people. Just tell your girlfriend, not making it a big deal when you do. Don’t confront the friend. If your gf happens to not be thrilled with it, great, you can be on guard in the future. If she’s ok with it… ok!
Your girlfriend sounds like she is making an effort to respect a boundary/concern you put out there. You of course owe your gf transparency regardless, but especially since you guys had this disagreement.
Other angle, since it seems she told her friend about this, and her friend wants you to like her more and trust her more to be affectionate but not sexual. Idk if she thought through some grand strategy, but sometimes people show affection when they want to win someone over. Probably as simple as that.
Tell your partner asap. The longer you don’t, the more it looks like you’re hiding it. And if she hears it from her friend first, she won’t trust you again. She needs to hear it from you asap, like call her now and get ten minutes of her time.
You should definitely tell her about it, I don’t think you need to feel guilty about it, but not telling her looks kind of like hiding it. Start with “So I had a really weird experience at your friend’s party…” then give your girl just the facts and let her make up her mind.
You were sexually assaulted.
She kissed you and put you in shock. You didn’t continue the action. No need to feel guilty. I do very strongly advise to you to tell your partner or this makes you a hypocrit. I also suggest you do exactly what you have advised your partner to do. Talk to to this friend without attacking her but make it very clear that was not ok. You have a relationship and boundaries which that crosses.
In the end she is either a very sexually open person and doesn’t think a quick kiss means anything or she is after your girl and thinks kissing you removes your leverage to be upset. Either way this same course of action should squash all that as much as possible. It also gives you a very easy ok path and excuse to bring up their friendship. Make it clear you are happy they are friends but you also felt a few times she pushed that platonic/romantic boundary a bit to far with your girlfriend. Ask her to simply be a tiny bit more respectful of your relationships boundaries overall with both of you.
Or go for the 3some. I don’t think that is what you seem to desire though. Owell good luck
With everything you just Said—–I think she did it Purposely. As a joke. Why? Your GF told her I am betting how you feel about her cuddling with your own GF and this was a Joke to a Bloke that “How do you like it now?” She did it in front of others to embarrass you. Tell your GF and I would really distance from that strangeo.
You should definitely tell your gf. However she probably already know. I think it’s fishy that your gf pushed the idea of you going to the party of someone you are uncomfortable with. Your gf knows you are uncomfortable with the cuddling and affection but she continues to do it. Sounds like neither one of them have respect for you.
This was seriously written by someone in their 30s?!
YOU didn’t break the boundary… She did.
Drunk and high people are doing what drunk and high people are doing…
Just tell her, she is your girl, she needs all available information. Maybe she told the girl that you are uncomfortable with her being all touchy with your GF and then the girl thought it would be a great idea to be touchy with you as well to show you that this is nothing special for her. However, you have to tell your GF.
The biggest issue right now isn’t the kiss, it’s not having already told your partner. That is about the worst thing you could have done with the information you have 🙁
Could you imagine her hearing it from someone else without context? ESPECIALLY if you’re huge on that boundary? It might, to her, seem like you’ve set these rules for only her and you’re free to do as you please. When something like that happens, it’s better to be 100% clear with them when it happens so nothing gets misconstrued. Was it inappropriate? Honestly, yes. There were never any boundaries set between you and this friend of hers. I’m a very affectionate person myself, but that isn’t an excuse for pulling that crap. I would have given a hug. A full kiss on the lips is definitely not normal in most social circles, and if it were, you’re not really fully involved in hers just yet. It shouldn’t have happened. Drunk/gay or not, kissing others boyfriends isn’t something you do “just for funsies”. Do you need to go tell her? Yes.
That being said, her being that affectionate towards your girlfriend is something you should watch. Don’t look for the bad in people, but don’t be oblivious.
Tell your GF she has the right to know. If the roles were switched you’d wanna know what happened 😊
You gotta tell your girl. You were sexually assulted. Literally
It can be a regular thing among lesbians in my experience, just a way to show affection without any sexual/romantic implications. I would say it is normal. She has her own marriage but it’s open and happy to be close with other people, even if this doesn’t mean she is poly. I think this is the first thing to be understood. Once you get this I would say everything makes more sense.
Let me put it this way. I am bi. I almost dated my best friend when she was separated from her husband. They decided to work things out, and they’re both two of my closest friends. All that is just to say, I care a lot about my best friend. And with ANY other friend, I have always been rather physically affectionate by nature, but not with her because I respect them both and their relationship, and I know what boundaries are. I want to make absolutely sure that her husband has no reason not to trust me. Likewise, she set boundaries when they decided to work things out, and I respect them.
I would ABSOLUTELY talk to your gf about this. Express your discomfort with the situation. Then, with your girlfriend present, express your discomfort to the friend directly. The friend has crossed the line and broken that boundary, not you. You should not feel guilty for this unless you escalated the situation.
> was a little taken aback, also quite high and drunk
I don’t thi k you did anything wrong with your relationship, but you clearly have something of a substance abuse problem if you are getting drunk & high to the poi t of using your intoxication as a rationale for (potentially) uncharacteristic actions. You should get that under control before it actually causes a real problem.
Tell your girlfriend.
Is she a swinger? Does she have a pineapple lawn ornament?
She’s a lesbian , and she might be high and drunk like you were. Let it float in the air and disappear. Focus on that gay motherfuckrr and I don’t think he’s gay.
Tell her, she’ll hate it initially but respect your honesty in the long term.