There’s a man at work that I’ve been interested in for a long time. I (37F) thought he was in his mid 40s. He’s fit, well styled and frequently the life of the party. We were the last two people to leave an event a couple of weeks ago and one thing led to another and we ended up kissing. We talked a lot too and I found out that he’s actually ten years older than I thought (50s).
The thing is, the situation has escalated very, very quickly. I’ve never connected with anyone like this before. We are completely in-sync in seemingly every way. We laugh so much together and can easily spend hours just talking. We have similar interests and hobbies. The sex is…mind blowing. Everything feels so right.
Though I’ve had several long term relationships and even been proposed to multiple times, I’ve never been married. I’ve never even had such an inclination to commit to someone, until this. Now, in a span of a month, we‘ve basically professed our love for one another and I’m feeling the kind of kid-on-Christmas excitement I didn’t even know I was capable of anymore.
Talk me down from the ledge? This is a bad idea, right? I’m old enough to know that my feelings ARE genuine, but I also think some lust might be clouding logic. I’d love to hear some other perspectives. TIA
TL;DR – What problems will arise from a significant age gap?
9 comments
As long as you both have things in common the age gap shouldn’t be that big of an issue. Just remember he’ll be retiring shortly and you still have a ways to go in your career.
It’s a risk.
And you’re 37, not 17. It’s a risk you should be capable of taking, or not taking.
But you need to slow your roll. It’s been a month. It *should* be feeling really damn good right now. It’s just *barely* real. Keep your eyes and ears open, but don’t race ahead to far.
Ask yourself some serious questions about your own goals for the years between now and retirement. Co-habitation? Travel? Investments? Retirement goal age? How does the age difference impact that? *Honestly*.
You’re a grown-up, who can operate in the world with the same sense and authority as a 50-something, so the risks are more practical ones about timing and lifestyle compatibility.
Super grim to say but since u asked, he’s more likely to die way before you and not be able to be active. Sex might die down quicker too and you’ll end up being responsible for his elderly care when you’re not elderly yet.
The bigger issue here seems like the fact that you work together and a potential power dynamic… once you’re into your 30s, there’s less risk of say, an older man preying on a naive young woman, so the age gap here doesn’t involve that issue, but it does raise some other potential problems like: children, if you want them, retirement etc.
> in a span of a month,
You’re infatuated.
Wait until 3-4 months have passed before contemplating anything serious.
Echoing others.. that is super exciting and I’m happy for you to have this lovely of a connection.. wait until a few months have passed and the brain chemicals have leveled off.. then see how you feel and what you think about it all.
A 20-year age gap after age 35 or so is irrelevant. IMO part of the reason you clicked so quickly is that you have both dated enough in the past to know what your personal deal-makers and deal-breakers are, so you were easily able to recognize how well you fit together. And frankly, having found your special person, I don’t think you should dither around with whether or not it’s a good idea to date him. Far from talking you off the ledge, I think you should dive into this relationship without any further hesitation!
The biggest problem you will face is that he is likely to slow down and start to develop age-related illnesses, possibly including dementia, while you are still in your 50s and (hopefully) still physically active. He may pressure you to retire early, so you can be more available to have fun with him once he retires. If you are financially secure, you may want that for yourself, since it will give you more time together for travel and leisure activities you enjoy. Because the biggest downside is that statistically speaking, he’s only got around 25 years left to live. You will both need to prepare for the likelihood that he will be dead by the time you hit your 60th birthday.
I hate to be a Debbie Downer, so I’ll counter that sobering thought with the fact that one of the happiest couples I know has an even larger age gap than yours. And so far, “Jack” remains an outlier on the actuarial tables as a healthy, physically fit 87-yo, with good eyesight, good hearing (assisted by technology), and an intact and very witty brain.
Definitely take your time to make sure your life and his mesh well together. Make sure you’re out the honeymoon phase before you start making big decisions. There’s a possibility your expectations don’t meet reality, so there’s no need to rush things. Stay firm with the pacing, even if it feels like it’s just trudging along.
My mom re-married to my stepdad who’s over 20 years older, but she took her time with it. It wasn’t until almost a year of them dating did she make the big decision to introduce him to my and my brother. That was back in ‘06. Two and a half years later we all slept under the same roof. We moved and they married in 2012. There’s ups and downs and some generational gaps sometimes, but they took their time to really get a feel for whether or not they’re perfect together. It’s been 10 years so I’d say so.
You guys will probably have differing opinions for different reasons. My stepdad sometimes pulls the “oh, I didn’t have to do that back then, so why should I have to worry about it now?!” and so on and so forth. This refers to the generational gap thing I mentioned previously. Problems that were never openly discussed or frowned upon back then for them may seem to suddenly arise in these times. Older generations may not be as understanding or compassionate as you may hope. They can be very stubborn to change their minds and sometimes it’s extremely frustrating. My stepdad isn’t as compassionate for depression for example and has those “old man views” about it and how it’s not a man’s thing to be that way or something like that. He just didn’t grow up with that, and only really heard about it being openly talked about when he was in his 50s. You’ll get weird looks if that at all is a concern for you. His health will decline way faster than yours, so you should also think about if you want to be his caretaker should you guys marry in the future. I don’t know if I missed anything, but these are some things to consider. Asking yourself these questions and seeing how it’ll play out in the long run are essential in figuring out what you want and need. Hope this helps, cheers!
Maybe not the comparison all will like, but Melania Trump is 24 years younger than her husband and they married when she was 35.