My grandma had severe dementia and schizophrenia, she was a full time job, she begged my mom never to put her into a nursing home when she was younger. There was a lot of screaming, yelling and sleepless nights. She was like a newborn and I loathed her for the stress and lack of sleep my mom was getting while caring for her. It was a completely fucked environment, I still hear the repetition of her voice play in my mind, 24/7 high level care. Mom refused to put her in a nursing home. I was 13-17 for the worst years, I never had a full nights sleep.
I remember yelling at her, telling her I hated her, threatening her, ignoring her. At college I heard one of my teachers talk about elder abuse and I saw myself. I don’t so much regret the things I said but I regret the way I fucking felt when I saw her get hurt once. I regret it so fucking much. Because I did love her, she was kind and loyal when I was little and always let me sleep in her bed with her when I was having nightmares. She took care of me until she physically couldn’t anymore.
I can’t talk to a therapist about this because this was the hardest thing to write. My dad warned me that I was going to regret everything.
2 comments
Wow. Im sorry you had to endure all that.
You didnt abuse your grandma. Your mom neglected her medical needs. Yes, grandma didnt want to go to a home when was of sound mind, but that doesn’t mean anything when shes screaming for years at odd hours of the night.
Being a caregiver is hard. The burn out and stress is real.
If I live old enough and have issues, I hope my kids dont do this to themselves. I’ve been open that I want them to live their life, and not take care of me.
Don’t take this stress / regret onto yourself. You were angry / hateful towards her mental illness(es), not her. Being a teenager is hard enough (esp ages 13-17) and I cannot imagine what that must have made you feel like. Teenage angst is so real. I’m 20 now and already I’m laughing at the way I used to think/act at that age. If you’re religious, you can pray, I’m not super religious, but a message into the void can be surprisingly helpful.
Also, your mind wasn’t fully developed in your teens, it is now and it seems like you wouldn’t have treated her hatefully if you were a sound adult. Chalk your treatment of your grandmother up to teenage angst and lack of understanding. Don’t let it reflect your character. It was entirely circumstantial.
And I fully agree with the previous comment.