Hi everyone. I haven’t been able to sleep and need advice. A bit of context on my relationship, my boyfriend and I have been together almost 5 years, we live together, but have been having some issues. His mom lives 2 hours and recently he’s been visiting every weekend to see his brother play football on Friday nights and also because we’ve been having issues and have been taking a bit of space. We still talk and he usually comes home on Monday’s. I think my bf may be narcissistic. Whenever I bring up an issue, he gaslights me, turns the problem around on me and usually “runs”— he packs everything up and says he’s leaving me. He will tell me he doesn’t care about me, doesn’t want to be with me, or be around me. This will stem from me catching him messaging numerous women on instagram, or hanging out with women that he just met when he travels for work. He reassures me and says it’s all harmless and men just like to be around women and he would never actually cheat. (He has actually cheated once in 2020 pre pandemic which I caught)
Fast forward to this weekend, he went back home to see his little brother play in his high school championship game and then went to his local bar. We had been texting throughout the night and then around midnight he stopped responding. I texted him maybe 4 times throughout the next 2.5 hours and even sent him a video. I was having a really good night with new friends and wanted to share my experience with him. It had been the happiest I had been in a while. I even called 3 times. Never heard back. The next day he finally called me back at noon and said he was drinking at the bar and came home and fell asleep and just woke up. I thought ok, and continued on trying to have a convo but he wasn’t engaged. I asked when he was coming home and he usually gets really annoyed by my questions and just responded “I don’t know, I’m just chilling, let me do that.” I said ok and we hung up. I didn’t really hear from him the rest of the day. I called him around 5 to check in, and he texted me back and hour later saying he was napping.
We share a YouTubetv account and so I have his email logged into my phone. Then he gets an email for an Uber receipt from 7 AM that morning that shows he called and Uber from his house to a nearby apt I don’t recognize. Reminder that he’s staying at his mom’s house. He’s never mentioned that someone else was over and we share locations and he never left. Also he has a car, which means he called a car to take someone home. His mom also is strict and would never allow someone she doesn’t know, especially a girl to stay over. This makes me think he was trying to have whoever it was leave before she she woke up. Usually if a friend is over, he will also tell me. But remember that I had never heard from him the night before and he told me he got drunk and came home and fell asleep. Never mentioned anyone being over and said he wasn’t paying attention to his phone dispite my calls and attempts to reach him. This all happened Saturday night and I found out Sundayy evening while he was taking a nap. I texted him to call me and when he finally did, I couldn’t bring myself to answer and called back an hour later. I sounded so sad and somber, and unlike myself as I was on the verge tears. Usually he hates being on the phone and doesn’t really talk but he started asking me all these questions and telling me he’s coming home tomorrow and offering all these details, when normally I struggle o get him to talk, couple that with how sad I sound and how much awkward silence there was, and I had my answer. I guess my questions is am I tripping or am I right? I don’t want to bring this up and be gaslit if I’m wrong. This would the final straw for me.
TLDR; boyfriend is out of town at his parents house. He went out to a bar and went MIA despite multiple calls and texts. We share locations so I saw when he got home. Next day I found and Uber receipt tha shows he called a car at 7 AM to a random apt. His mom doesn’t allow overnight guest. And he always tells me if a friend came over. Also when I finally got ahold of him he said he had been drinking and came home and fell asleep. We’ve been having problems. He’s cheated once before. Also guy don’t Really call Ubers for other guys early in the morning
29 comments
“pretty convinced” ….. girl you have seen him cheating already. messaging all those girls, not to mention you already caught him cheated once. you know hes cheating no reason to ask us when youve seen all the facts
Your first paragraph says everything we need to know. You deserve way better and shouldn’t be with someone who consistently gaslights and threatens to leave you.
He has already cheated; he won’t communicate with you like a grown up about your problems; he messages other women.
And yet here you are getting all Sherlock Holmes trying to figure out if he’s cheating or not?
What difference does it make really?
You have permission to dump his ass.
Let’s say he’s not cheating (he is but that’s beside the point.)
You should still leave because he treats you like dirt. This dude is awful and you know he’s awful. All staying with him will do is ensure you don’t have a chance at a happy and loving relationship. You deserve better.
honey no matter what you deserve better than this – his behavior sounds toxic whether or not he’s cheating. healthy relationships are built on respect, trust, and communication, all of which seem quite lacking here. im sorry to say this but I think no matter what you should move on from him
I know how hard it could be to detach from someone you live with and are in love with. But reading this, sounds like you know the answer to your question already. He is being cold toward you and saying manipulative things like “let me do that” as if you’re getting in the way or being a nuisance to him. He probably started to offer you details the next day because he felt guilty. You deserve better and you shouldn’t waste more time being with someone that treats you that way. At 29 you shouldn’t have a partner that you can’t rely on. Sending strength your way
Honestly who cares if he did or didn’t this time? Your relationship is straight up awful and you know you need to break up, so why don’t you?
Yes, you’re right; he’s cheating. Trust your instincts as well as all the evidence.
So sorry, but he doesn’t sound like someone you’d want a future with anyway…narcissistic, gaslighting, lying, always threatening to leave, mean, and a cheater.
I know it’s easier said that done but it would be pretty badass if you packed your things, left, and literally never spoke to him again.
He treats you like dirt. Don’t fall for his stunts. You are worth way more than this and your older self will thank you if you leave with your pride still in tact.
Sounds like he did, he can’t face you and doesn’t want you to catch on to his guilt in his voice over the phone. The questions are him projecting. And the Uber. Leave him babe. Unless you are not done with him yet, then you will go through this cycle again and again until you are finally ready to leave. Up to you.
You’re definitely right and should trust your gut. Also please consider leaving him! it seems like you’ve been snooping, overthinking, and constantly monitoring him, and that’s bound to have a negative effect on you.
Ask him who the Uber was for. If he gets mad and threatens to leave, let him.
He is not a good partner. Cheating aside, which he is definitely doing, this is not a good person. Lack of communication is BS. Don’t tolerate any of this anymore. Break up. Get away from him.
Does it matter?
Do you even like each other? He spends every moment he can away from you.
He talks to other girls, lies, hides things, avoids you.
Why do you even want to be with him?
The evidence is pretty convincing. I’d say he cheated.
You deserve so much better then what he’s giving you. I’m sorry you’re going through this again
Dude. Get out and move on.
Your first paragraph was enough to break up over. Does the rest even matter? If it helps you make your decision, he definitely cheated. But he was a cheater and generally shitty partner well before the Uber thing even happened.
Come on man being single is a good thing . No need to hold onto terrible relationships like that
The cheating is almost besides the point here. He is treating you with extreme disrespect, and you are letting him. What is leading you to tolerate this behavior?
>turns the problem around on me and usually “runs”— he packs everything up and says he’s leaving me. He will tell me he doesn’t care about me, doesn’t want to be with me, or be around me.
Who cares if he’s cheating on you? Even if he was faithful (which he’s clearly not), he treats you like shit. Just break up already.
Regardless of if he is or not, this relationship doesn’t sound healthy and sounds very one sided. He also seems accustomed to hiding things from you. I think it would be best for you to just end things.
Don’t let him gaslight you. Plan your escape and the next time he leaves ghost him.
You know he’s cheating and he’s done it before, you are allowed to break up and be happier without him
I don’t think you have enough concrete evidence yet. But it’s not looking good. Even if he wasn’t cheating you should dump him just because of how he treats you. you deserve to be with someone who doesn’t treat you like crap.
He cheated and probably has times in the past already. Leave him OP, before you’re married with children, looking at another Uber charge, gaslighting yourself that you’re not seeing what you know you are seeing.
People who cheat to me are evil, they do so much damage and cause so much pain. You don’t deserve that OP. Stand up for yourself and leave him.
I know it hurts. Been there done that. My advice to you is don’t get sad, get mad, and then get happy. You deserve better. Nobody deserves to be treated like that regardless of the cheating. If you want to say your peace to him, go ahead, whatever you need to move on. But move on. He’s taken up enough of your time. I know it’s ingrained in we females to “check up” on our exes because we want to see monologues they’ve written on social about how miserable and lonely they are. DONT DO THAT. Walk away with class and do not look back. If the cheating was ironclad, I’d be giving you petty revenge advice lol but you have other reasons to leave without the rock solid proof.
When you’re this far along in feeling he’s cheated, what you know for certain is that trust is gone and no longer a foundation of your relationship.
I think it’s time to go. It’s not time to gather proof. Put a fork in it, it’s done.
OR: stay and whine later about all the years you wasted. Your call.
He sucks. You don’t need concrete evidence. Make your 30s the best decade of your life by getting rid of him. You deserve to be happy.
For sure did. Instead of fighting with him you could just invite a couple of his friends over and let them do ya together to make it even.