Last night the boys were terrible and my wife did most of the care. We settled them down early and I was up with her to feed them at 9, 12, and 3, but in between my wife tended to them and held them when they fussed, etc. so I could sleep. My mom and MIL live with us and do the 6am feeding and watch them until we are up to take over closer to 9.
I’m not feeling guilty for getting more sleep per se since I obviously need to work and provide for our family, but I wanted to see what other dads do at night time and how they split the childcare.
Any input is appreciated.
33 comments
. I’m I work at a place that is open 24/7 and sometimes I work the graveyard shift (11pm-8am). So, my husband has been staying up with baby during those hours. Then he sleeps while she takes care of her during the day until I come home. This way we each get some sleep…
Let her nap when you come home from work and take the baby for the evening. Give the baby back when it’s time for you to go to bed.
You just have to power through, you are away all day expending your energy at work and she is at home all day expending her energy with the kids, when you think about it you are both on the clock 24 hours the only difference is you are provided an eight hour “escape” where she has to do her job nonstop 24/7. The first year is always the hardest after they are born and will take a lot out of you but you also have to remember the year leading up to their birth took a lot out of her. In no way am I suggesting comparing efforts because it takes two to raise a child just stay strong and lean on each other, it’s a team effort and you are very fortunate to have your MIL around to help. Eventually your boys will sleep through the night and you will be able to find some normalcy again.
When I was working and my wife was at home she handled most of the overnight baby care unless she was so exhausted it became unsafe and then I’d step in. I’m an early riser so I’d usually get up around 4am and handle things from then until I went to work. And on the weekends I’d help out more at night.
My wife was breastfeeding, so I couldn’t really do feeding at night, but I’d help with whatever else I could.
She did all the child care at night
Two different kids so minor tweaks but similar approach.
Kid 1: would not breast feed so mom was pumping like Bessie. Baby went to bed at 6. Don’t remember the timing of the feedings but we both were up for feedings so I bottle fed while she pumped. Until like 3:30. I needed to have at least three hours of contiguous sleep to half way function at work so the last feeding at like 4 she handled solo.
Kid 2: Same schedule…. Bed time of 6 and he fed well from the boob so she’d feed him and wake me up. I’d burp him and change his diaper and put him back down. Again, till like 3:30 or 3:45 so I could sleep solid from 4 to 7.
It worked well.
I never had twins. But basically the way we worked it out was fussing was my job and feeding/pumping was hers.
If it’s possible to hire a part-time nanny it can be so helpful at first. Like 9am-noon. Then your wife could feel better during the night knowing relief is coming. Even just a few days a week.
If not then I would recommend looking into sleep training and getting the babies on a schedule – they’ll naturally do this as well but it’s definitely possible to speed things up. The Baby Wise book is a good resource.
The first year is so hard. Sleep is so important – try to take care of each other the best you can. Sending you all the good energy ✨
My husband and I had twins last year, too. This past year has been trial and error. I do work, but my leave time from work far exceeded his. Our routine while I was still on leave was he’d do nights on the weekends and I did the nights during the week. We did combo formula/breast milk feeding, so it worked out that he could do formula. We kept the babies sleeping in our living room for about the first two months – that way, whoever was not on “duty” could get uninterrupted sleep in our bedroom. It’s already a bit of a blur, honestly! And it gets better/easier every week with their sleep. You just have to power through these early months. LOTS of coffee, my friend. Good luck 🍀
Our eldest was an up every 3-4 hours to eat at night baby for a long time. I would take the 3-4 A.M. feeding. I find that I couldn’t get back to sleep after that so I went to work early. Is be home by 2-3 in the afternoon, spell her, and we’d all be in bed by 6:30 pm because we were all worn out. It worked. Luckily my boss allowed me to flex my time.
Thankfully our second opted to sleep through the night from 6 weeks on. But that has presented its own challenges that we’re still coping with 14 years later.
Figure out what works for you and your wife, op. If you can’t pull night duty during the week take the load on the weekend. Make sure she gets adult time routinely. Because she’s going to need it. Lean on your support system.
Congrats on the kids, glad you’re able to make it work on one income, and that your wife is going the stay at home route. We opted to do that. I’m thankful I could afford it and thankful my wife wanted to. I’m also thankful my mom did that for my sister and I.
I helped when I could, particularly on nights where I didn’t have to work the next day, but since I wasn’t the one on leave it was on as as-able basis. Don’t feel bad about that, you’re both doing your part to provide and take care of your little ones. You’re just both doing different portions of it.
Regardless she is going to do 1000x more than you could ever hope to do for that child.
Here’s the boss move I did:
If you are around and that child needs a diaper change it’s always your turn. Knowing she is always going to do more, you take the hit on every diaper change if you are there.
Most annoying crap I’ve ever heard is couples arguing over who’s turn it is. With new baby stress arguing over simple diaper changes can be completely avoided, and it will come up. You do the one thing you can for that child while taking a TON of stress off of her, I did this for both my children and she still did 1000x more. Plus she’ll still have plenty of diaper changes during her day already.
I worked night shift so she handled most nights probably y I stepped up on the diaper changes.
I did not. I worked she raised the kid. We are very happy, quite comfortable and our son is 13 and perfect. Well mannered, respectful and getting all a’s in school. Specialize and trade.
Help when you can man. Learn this lesson the easy way being a stay at home parent is a full time job. I wish I helped more with mine but I was working 5am-8pm minimum and a lot of time at ranges or training exercises for 36-72 hours on a few hours of sleep. My wife’s mental health was going quick so I made time. I’ll sleep when my daughters in college or something.
My wife did the majority unless she was just too tired, then I’d jump in. In the very beginning, we did split it 50\50, but after a week or two she decided to only wake me if she absolutely needed help since I had to go to work and she could nap when the baby napped.
Hey there, I too am a twin dad! Just like when having a single child, everything is dependant on the personality and preferences you all have. For us, it was an all hands on deck kind of moment where I did absolutely everything I could physically, emotionally, mentally handle while I was home to help her out. Our kids didn’t get the hang of sleeping through the night until a little after 11 months. Bless her, she took most of the night responsibilities so I could safely drive to work. Some nights I played a larger role than others, it just depends on the situation. Just do everything you can to survive and take care of each other because it can be crazy hard. I’d say on average I probably got up to help about 2-3 times a night (on work days) that first year fetching the kids from their room for eating or helping to soothe them back to sleep if they were being persistent. You just do as much as you can and try to be as helpful as possible.
My son was born in October. Pretty much the same situation with my wife getting up every 2 to 3 hours to feed him. Honestly, I’ve been letting my wife handle it and she knows to just wake me up if she has a problem. She is able to take a lot of naps during the day to make up for it. Her mom stayed with us for like three weeks which was actually very helpful
We typically had 2 feedings per night: one around 12 and then one around 3-4 AM. I always did the first one, so I had a long stretch of sleep before needing to wake up for work.
Since stay-at-home is also a job, you split duties evenly. Whether you do this by time (x hours for A, then x hours for B) or day allocation (alternate nights to be on duty) is up to you. Then the on duty partner sleeps near the baby or with the monitor, and the off duty partner gets a good sleep.
First two or three weeks of the baby being born I did all the nights so my wife could recover. This was okay because I took off work.
Apart from that…
My wife does everything at night for all kids unless it’s completely chaotic (like perfect storm of sick kids, new born who is teething, missing teddy bear for another kid and my wife has a sprained ankle or something). This has only happened like twice in several years and several kids.
I have to work, I have and early commute, I have a high stress job and I also work crazy long hours sometimes which means I’m commuting back late at night.
Even though I could probably help out more, my wife would rather me get my rest so I don’t fall asleep at the wheel.
You got this.
I used to do any feeds or soothing from 10pm – midnight as my wife was in bed asleep by then. Anything midnight to 6am was her job so I could sleep/function at work.
We just had our first child, I’m in a similar boat. I work full time at an office job (often with meetings starting at 6 or 7 AM), wife is currently a full time SAHM (which honestly is probably tougher than my job, I give full credit to my wife).
What we agreed is that she does all the overnight care so I can get enough sleep for my early morning meetings. I’ll work during the day. Then when I’m done working, I’ll watch our baby so she can get in her workout or relax for a bit.
It’s helpful that we have my mother in law here who helps us cook and clean and also watches over the baby so my wife can squeeze in some naps during the day. So not all the burden is on my wife, but I’m also cognizant that my MIL won’t be staying here long term.
Sometimes I feel guilty that I’m getting a full night of rest and she’s waking up twice a night to breastfeed. But I guess at the end of the day, as long as you and your partner are aligned on what is “fair” and no one is feeling resentful of the other person, then that’s what matters.
Communicate with your wife about her wants and needs. My wife is different than yours and what works for us may not work for you. Reddit is ok for suggestions if she has a hard time communicating that, but don’t look here for answers to your marriage.
You just gotta power through. You shouldn’t be in the mindset of give and take right now. Sounds like you already have plenty of help from your respective mothers.
So what you shouldn’t do is BOTH get up unless you have to, take turns if possible. Don’t know how feasible this is with twins. But swap out when you can. And also do your best to take over when you get home from work. Childcare is work and she probably wants and needs a change of speed by the time you get home. My wife and I have 2 under 2 and when I get home I go from work to babies and I know it means a lot to my wife
A couple i know took shifts of sleep. She slept first as he preferred staying up later anyway, then she took over. It just meant they both got a certain amount of uninterrupted sleep (used ear plugs for the sleeper). They are back to a more normal night now but it worked wonderfully for them. He needed sleep for work and she needed sleep to look after a baby so they worked it out fairly between them
As the soul income of the family, your #1 priority is to maintain your employment. That means adequate sleep. That is your job.
A stay at home parent needs to quickly understand that they sleep when the babies sleep. Taking care of the babies is their job.
That doesn’t mean you don’t help each other out, but this equal partner idea needs to go out the window. She isn’t doing half of your work at work, but she helps with laundry, cooking, etc. You aren’t doing half of her work at home, but you help her out with the babies as much as you can.
This is what you call a complementary relationship.
How is your mom and MIL living with you and you both are doing all the work? In many cultures, the first 40 days is all Grandmother domain.
Your newborns are not terrible!! They are expressing a need, they don’t have the brain function to be terrible or to know anything other than hunger, discomfort etc
Stay at home parenting is also a job. If she’s doing all the childcare overnight while you rest, and all the childcare during the day while you’re at work – when does she get to rest?
I was a SAHM and a working mum – and going to work was by far the easier option. Parents don’t get to clock out, you’re meant to be a team so please show up for her.
If you don’t, if you take your rest while she’s run ragged – you’re going to dive headfirst into resentment territory so fast your head will spin.
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Congrats on your new babies 💗
She fed them. She has the tits, so that was kind of decided by nature.
I did nappy changes if required. They usually weren’t.
Get your sleep it’s the most important thing we have with health. Your wife only has child duty it’s not a 40 hour job especially with your MIL there.