As the title says, I have not really been sexually active for a long time, maybe 2 years, because the last time (2020) was a bit of a traumatic situation after some things that happened after sex. I am a very anxious person, I have ADD and OCD and generalized anxiety disorder.
Since then I have had at least 3 opportunities to be sexually active again, one with the problem that I almost came too quickly so I stopped the act so I wouldn’t embarrass myself, the second I wasn’t able to get hard because I was worried I was goinhg to cum too fast and wouldn’t stop thinking about it and last night it was the third one. I also sometimes don’t go fully hard when I masturbate (I dont feel like I need to if its just me so I don’t worry about it)
A friend came over, I had not seen her in a long time, we were watching tv when she suddenly threw herself at me to make out. She was a little tipsy, but but not drunk (I asked when she arrived if she was drunk and she said no, that it takes more for her to be drunk and she was just tipsy, she also didn’t even seem drunk, I know that she gets a little horny when she drinks but I did not invite her for that nor were in my plans but we had previously at some point discussed about my situation and how I would like to if I ever come back to having a sex life to start with someone I have confidence with)
Things were going great but a lot of the time I was just thinking “is she drunk?” “Am I gonna go soft again?” “Should I bed doing this?” And bam, I went soft after being hard for like 5-7 minute that our makeout-touch session happened
She said sorry after she noticed she shouldn’t have done that and I said to not worry, reminded her about the times I told her I had a little trauma and that I was actually feeling safe and relieved that if I was going to do something like that it would be with someone I had confidence in. Nevertheless she said she said I didn’t have to give any explanation.
This morning she left, I asked her if she didn’t want to eat breakfast or anything, she said no thank you, we hugged and then she went on her way. It kind of looked like she wanted to be out of here quick, maybe embarrassed I don’t know, but I just told her to let me know when she was back home. She has not replied to me yet.
So my two questions, should I see an urologist for this? Is there anything I can do for my friend?
2 comments
The stress involved with a new sexual partner can make it difficult to perform and that’s pretty normal. Spend any time on this subreddit and you’ll see multiple young men asking for help with this exact problem. We’re in a new sort of low-sex age. About 1/3 of young men haven’t had sex for a year and the first attempts to have sex after a long dry spell can be very stressful because of the performance anxiety. The penis is a sort of stress thermometer, it’s not about whether they’re attracted to a person but whether they feel safe and relaxed.
When people check back in on this, usually it resolves itself once they get a chance to become more relaxed and comfortable with their partner and the situation. Anything you can do reduce performance anxiety and will probably help.
If it doesn’t resolve itself after some time, your can talk to a doctor but, again, this is very normal right now for men when they haven’t had a regular partner in some time.
Obligatory “not a doctor” disclaimer…
It is certainly possible that even at your age you could have some ED issues from physical things (low testosterone, high blood pressure/cholesterol, anxiety meds, etc), but from the information you’ve provided I would think it’s more likely stemming from the head on your shoulders and not the one on your dick. If you can generally maintain an erection when masturbating, then it’s something hanging you up in your subconcious. And once you’ve gotten “in your own head” about it, that will increase your anxiety for next time, and in turn increase the chances of it happening again.
Now with that said, it’s **not** all gloom and doom… the old adage that “It happens to everyone sometimes” is very true (anyone that says it doesn’t is either lying or it just hasn’t ahppened to the YET), and the good news is that means you can get past it just like everyone else that it’s happened to. It’s easy to sit here and tell you to just relax, it’ll work out, blah blah blah, but having been there myself I know that probably doesn’t do much to aleviate your anxiety.
For me, I’d talk to a urologist just for due dilligence, and even if they don’t find anything wrong physically, ask them for them for a scrip for low dose Cialis or Viagra – having the “chemical confidence” in the bedroom can help you reestablish your actual confidence. After a successful time or two, you’ll probably not need the pills anymore. As a bonus, in my experience when someone takes the pills that doesn’t physically need them, it can give you quite a boost in performance