Tl;dr I don’t want to keep tolerating “testing” but I don’t know how common it is and I don’t want to be an asshole about it.
I (25m) am single and not actively seeing anyone at the moment, but I’ve been thinking about this lately. This came up in my last relationship and I’m curious what people think.
When I was seeing my last girlfriend two years ago, I felt like I was frequently being “tested.” I don’t know if there’s a better term for it, but she would do or say things to see how I would react, and sometimes get upset with me for not reacting the correct way.
For example, when we were dating we went out for ice cream and she offered to pay for it. I said sure and she paid. She told me right after that I was supposed to stop her and pay for it myself. She continued to bring this up with me nearly every week for the 2-3 months we were together so that she could tell me how stupid I was. She would make me feel bad about my autism spectrum disorder diagnosis on purpose and tell me that I was incompetent at dating and relationships because I didn’t have the intuition to stop her from paying that one time. Was I in the wrong? Or am I right in thinking that this was a manipulative set-up to put me down and make her feel superior?
How much should I tolerate this kind of thing in dating and relationships? I’ve grown and matured a lot in the last couple years, and honestly I want to say I won’t accept any of this “testing” bullshit. If the ice cream thing happened to me now, I’d probably tell the other person that I don’t appreciate being tested and I probably wouldn’t be interested anymore. At the same time, am I being too strict with that outlook? If “testing” people is normal in dating then should I just accept that it’s going to happen and expect that I’m going to fail and be put down sometimes?
I’m not the best at understanding dating and relationships so I appreciate any input. Thanks!
19 comments
I don’t. That’s game playing, and I’m done with it. It’s manipulative and a terrible way to establish a healthy relationship. If someone wants to play those kinds of games, then I’m the wrong person for them and they’re the wrong person for me.
I’m so sorry you had this bad experience. What your former gf did goes far beyond “testing” and was abusive, and shouldn’t be tolerated. “Testing” in relationships is immature, in my opinion. The best suggestion I can offer is that if someone you’re in a relationship with does something to intentionally make you feel bad, they’re not a good person and it’s best to end the relationship.
You’re over thinking a relationship that happened 2 years ago? I think you’re best advice is to go outside and touch some grass.
This chick wasn’t testing you. She didn’t like you.
Definitely not part of a healthy relationship. People who act that way are very immature and hella manipulative. You cannot read minds, so for her to have been pulling that kind of stuff (getting upset when you didn’t react how she “thought” you should act) with you was uncalled for. Her calling you stupid and making you feel bad because you’re on the autism spectrum, now, that is just straight up asshole behavior. It’s terrible that someone treated you so poorly. She most definitely wanted to make you feel bad about yourself.
Finding the right person does take time and effort. And there is no telling whether or not you will come across more people who act that way (everyone is different, so, for example, you could meet people who are better than/worse than that or even some who don’t pull that shit at all), but at least you will immediately recognize that kind of crappy behavior and express yourself: “I’m not okay with someone doing this to me. Being treated with such disrespect is not okay,” etc.
You deserve someone who tries to always bring you up, not down, and makes you feel good about yourself and who you are. Your ex most certainly was not that kind of a person. Hate that you had to deal with someone like that.
Testing is common, but that doesn’t mean it’s normal or healthy. I (25F) personally would not tolerate it now. If your partner is testing you, it means they’ve likely had a toxic and unhealthy relationship in the past, and it’s made them insecure. *however*, I have been that asshole who tests their partner before.
I was once in a very abusive and toxic relationship- it left me WRECKED for the poor souls who dated me after. When I met my current partner, a lot of those toxic traits followed me. I was lucky that he genuinely liked me, and could see far enough past my trauma to find a sane, likable person. He called me out on my toxic, immature & ‘testing’ traits early, and once I got past my defensiveness, we were able to built a very healthy relationship on open communication. We’ve been together 4+ years and recently got married.
My answer is that you shouldn’t tolerate it, but if you like them enough, it might be worth learning what made them this way. Some people don’t even know why they do what they do, and open communication answers a lot of questions.
But I want to clarify that it is *never* your responsibility to fix someone. If you want to walk away, that’s totally fair.
People who test you have a lot of issues that are harmful to long-term relationships. Furthermore, you deserve someone who is clear and direct with you so you have the tools and information you need to be a good partner and work within the capabilities of your individual diagnosis. You are not less of a person because you are not neurotypical and she’s a horrible person for throwing information you shared in your face to make you feel bad or insecure.
Short answer: Zero — you should tolerate zero testing from your dates.
You’re looking at it the wrong way. She just didnt like you, but had some fantasy of who she wanted you to be.
0. 0 tolerance. I’ll be honest I didn’t even read all the way through… but this “testing” concept in relationships is 1. Immature 2. Manipulative 3. Controlling. Adults don’t play these games.
Testing isn’t healthy, but is relatively common, especially with younger people. But her behavior went waaaay beyond mildly unhealthy testing and into significant emotional abuse. Normal, somewhat immature people who test their partners don’t bring it up months later. And putting you down for your diagnosis is even worse. Please trust your instincts and don’t stay in an abusive relationship next time.
I would not tolerate it at all.
You shouldn’t tolerate it at all. Personally I think the best way to learn about someone is to do so organically, not put them under these tests or play games that they’re unaware of. Time reveals a lot, these so called tests are unnecessary.
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You should not tolerate testing at all. That is absolutely bullshit manipulative behavior. People who test their partners should be immediately broken up with – consider it a kindness to show them what is unacceptable behavior in a relationship. It is the only way they may learn to do better – if it costs them.
Two different things:
1. Looking at a date’s behavior to assess their personality and compatibility, then discussing preferences
2. Choosing a wrong way to behave ahead of time and creating a set up
Seems like she did the second thing which is very rude. Most dates will likely make a genuine offer to pay and by all means accept their offer or split the bill if it makes you nervous. Sounds like she clumsily tried to show you how to treat her but she didn’t get what she wanted and had a lot of bitterness for her own failed tactics.
You’d be right to reject someone doing that today but make sure you’re not punishing the behavior listed as #1 above.
This requires a complicated answer, but let’s start with the elephant in the room: her attitude was unacceptable. You did not know you were being tested and she berated you for it. That’s not cool, and she’s awful for having put you through that.
However, testing in relationships is very normal. You will, undoubtedly, have to tolerate it at some point in any relationship. This is because people naturally have expectations and boundaries. It’s not always convenient to communicate them immediately, and sometimes people might not even realize they have an expectation or boundary before observing their partner crossing them. This means they may be testing you before getting a chance to communicate with you. Or, they communicate it with you but maybe it’s not exactly clear at first what they want from you. This will obviously lead to much discourse about how to handle these things in the future, but ultimately testing is inevitable. Fortunately, there is a way to handle testing, expectations, and boundaries…
For an example, let’s try to rewrite your story about the ice cream purchase but with healthy expectations.
Imagine a few days before you go get ice cream, maybe when you’re just in the talking phase, she tells you,
>”I really love it when my partner insists on paying for me. It makes me feel really good.”
That is a healthy way of setting expectations with your partner. You get an opportunity to hear the expectation beforehand and discuss it with her. Maybe it’s not something you agree with, but you like her and so you’re going to give it a shot. Later at the ice cream parlor when she does the test you have hopefully recognized that this is an opportunity to show you what you learned about her and you are set up for success.
But let’s say you forgot, or you didn’t feel comfortable doing it. Maybe for some reason you disagreed with her expectation but you weren’t able to do it for her and so you have failed her test. How would she better communicate her expectation not being met to you? By saying something like,
>”Hey, I was really hoping you would have insisted on paying for me back there. Would you be able to do it in the future for me? It would make me feel really good.”
Whether or not she had that talk beforehand where she set her expectations for you, she is still giving you an opportunity to process her expectations without forcing them on you or intentionally making you feel bad for not passing her “test.” She’s communicating with you her expectations also and giving you another chance to meet them.
But the bottom line is, if her expectation isn’t going to work for you, you have to be able to set a healthy boundary with her. I suppose, based on your post, that you don’t really agree with her expectation here. This is where you would say something like,
>”I want to make you happy. But I am not able to know what you want unless you tell me directly. If you can’t be straight forward, I might end up feeling like I am always letting you down because you’re only telling me what you wanted after I made a mistake. I cannot be in a relationship like that.”
This is a boundary because it’s saying what you need, and then what will happen if your needs are not met. I kinda went extreme with the second half, but it’s okay to do this especially early in a relationship. Making threats about leaving someone definitely isn’t healthy, but if your boundary is important enough to you then you have to lay it out like that.
Still, it’s okay to have discussions about boundaries, or even have your boundaries questioned by your partner, too, because a partnership should be about personal growth and understanding.
Now, back to tests. At this point, I’ve insisted that tests are going to be commonplace in relationships and I’ve tried to demonstrate a healthy way of handling it. But if you are really not down with tests, and you don’t want them at all, you can say to your next partner if this topic comes up or something happens:
>”I know it’s common for people to test each other in relationships. When people test me in relationships by setting me up for failure and then blaming me for not meeting their expectations, I stop being their friend or partner. If you want me to do something for you or change my behavior, I need you to communicate that to me up front.”
Setting boundaries is hard and not always popular. But as you already know, not having your needs met in a relationship feels pretty bad. You’re better off setting your boundaries clearly. If they aren’t interested in respecting them, then you shouldn’t be with them. Period.
Testing is normal for both men and women. Women are taught that a man should pay for most things, at least in the dating process. Do I fully agree with that? No! Men expect a woman who’s gonna cater to his every whim without any questions. And there’s so much more. Dating now a days sucks. But I digress.
She might be Testing you to see where you’ll draw the line. If you have a backbone. Is shitty? Yes. Is it effective? Also yes. She probably doesn’t know a healthy way to go about that. I’ve been there done this. I’ve since learned better now.
No you absolutely don’t have to accept any form of testing. And she was an asshole for throwing your autism in your face
There’s some amount of testing, but its purpose is to give you an obvious opportunity to demonstrate your desirable masculine qualities (leadership, emotional stability, consideration, protection, etc.). What your date is doing is something different: she’s trying to bully you into becoming her dutiful pet. It’s a narcissistic trait (look up “covert narcissist” if you want to know more).
If you want to date women, especially attractive ones, you’re going to get tested. Women test for confidence, self-security, dominance and leadership. Since women tend to be less looks-orientated and more personality/status oriented, and they can’t determine how confident you are just by looking at you, they test.
Your girlfriend, however, sounds manipulative and abusive. That’s not normal or okay.