I’ve (19F) been dating my (20M) boyfriend for almost two years now. He’s the best guy I could have ever asked for and he makes me tremendously happy.
We rarely see each other during weekdays, since both of us are busy and live with our parents. The only time we can see each other is on weekends. Sadly I’ve been very busy with my studies, so we haven’t been able to spend as much quality time together as we used to (almost none).
My boyfriend is very invested with his childhood best friend (24F), since she’s going through a very difficult situation (the loss of a family member). He is very worried so he wants to help her. As a result, he always asks me that we should spend time with her on the weekends. They also hang out together regularly. I’m okay with him spending time with his friend, and I’m happy that he wants to help her feel better.
This week, I finally finished my exams. The first thing I did was asking him to spend the day together, but he immediately wanted to invite his friend. At first I felt angry. I didn’t understand why he wanted to spend so much time with her (since they’ve already hang out to play some videogames together a couple days ago). This is not the first time this has happened
Despite this, I couldn’t bring myself to say no, since I’ve already said no on different occasions.
I really don’t want to sound jealous, but I’m getting tired of this situation. On one hand I feel sorry for his friend and I want to help as well. On the other hand,I secretly wish he wanted to spend alone time with me without asking to invite her.
Now is too late to tell him not to invite her, since he already did.
Am I being selfish?
P.S: sorry for any grammar mistakes. English is not my first language.
TL;DR: Boyfriend always asks to invite his best friend whenever I want to spend alone time with him.
11 comments
Honestly there isn’t any other advice that can be given other than to talk to him. It’s completely normal to feel the way you feel, but he can’t do anything about it unless he knows thats how you feel. How he reacts will then give you a better idea of how he sees the situation and how you stand in his life. Neither of you are wrong or selfish but not talking about this will only make it worse for you.
saying that someone is the best boyfriend or best guy you’ve ever been with, could also mean that you’ve been with worse guys. it doesn’t mean he’s a good boyfriend for you though.
whenever you suggest something and he says “let’s do something with X” then you say back “Oh, ok if you’re busy then it’s Ok. We’ll meet up some other time”
the implication there is that you want to do things with just him, and he should find the time to do things with just you. you should also tell him you want him to do things with just you, so that topic of conversation will be known to him and he can make the proper choices to acknowledge your preferences and try to compromise about it. including something as simple as saying “hey friend, let’s meet up on Fri evening because on Sat evening, I’m meeting up with my gf”
You’ve already talked to him about this, and he still doesn’t get it. Its a simple request, so he’s either very stupid (which is fine, not everyone has to be smart), or he doesn’t care.
You know him better than us, so is he stupid? If he’s willing to put you first only if you ask each and every time, then it is not looking good for this relationship. It sounds like he doesn’t think it is a big deal that he prioritizes his friend over you, and the fact that you think it is a big deal isn’t enough for him to change his mind.
His childhood friend is a person on their own. I get your boyfriend wanting to help but he is not her therapist, she needs to figure how to cope with this by herself so I find it a bit excessive this kind of behavior towards her. If you already told him your boundaries and yet he still chooses his friend, this is not your place, and it’s not going to change. You either accept the situation or move on. Believe me that asking for a boundary to be covered is not too demanding
I would discuss a compromise with him. Tell him you are okay with having friend included occasionally, but also want to spend time 1:1, since that is what normal relationships look like. It sounds like he and friend have gotten really close while you were studying, and it could even be in “emotional affair” territory. So it’s time to detach him a little from her and focus him back on you.
Have you told him explicitly that you want and crave “alone time” with him? Or one-on-one? You use the phrase in your to;Dr but it’s unclear whether you’ve put it into those terms explicitly with him. Do so.
He’s not your boyfriend. He’s her boyfriend. He just has sex with you. Let this one go.
You need to tell him how all of this is making you feel. That you love he’s there for her, but it’s upsetting you that you’re no longer getting alone time with your partner when you don’t get to see him very often in the first place(and she already gets alone time with him). The longer this goes on without you saying something the longer this will bother you, and then negatively impact the relationship. You’re not asking too much for wanting alone time with your bf. He’s romantically involved with you, not her.
How long ago was her loss?
Relationships are a bit of give and take at times. Sometimes you’re couple time will take a hit. From your replies it seems like he is open to discussion and if your feeling the need to have alone time there is nothing wrong with you saying so.
>Despite this, I couldn’t bring myself to say no, since I’ve already said no on different occasions.
How often do you say no?
INFO: How long has he been seeing her this often since her family member died? You can’t put a timer on grief but there’s a difference if he wants to spend several days a week with her for months or weeks.
Being a toxic person invite over a guy friend constantly see what happens 😈