My fiancée (25M) and I (27F) feel like we argue about the same thing and it ends up being when I tell him a comment upset me. He tends to get defensive and say why it shouldn’t be taken in a bad way and also explain that he is not trying to be an a hole or hurt me. Today we argued because I told him that water was going to overflow, he tells me he didn’t hear that and I tell him ok but I did say it. He then says people sometimes believe they say things but don’t actually. We start to argue because he keeps saying it’s a possibility I didn’t actually say it when I know for certain I did. More arguing continues and he makes comments such as why am I getting bothered about this, this is a small comment, there’s no need for me to be getting upset. He apologizes but then says he doesn’t know why I’m upset. I’m very angry because this is the same argument we have all the time and that is not expressing acknowledgment and he gets angry with me telling me he is acknowledging me. He also has a short temper and yells, slams doors, and breaks things. I love him, he’s a wonderful person and we’re set to get married next month but I’m struggling with going through with it. He’s been in counseling for a year and we have sporadic couples counseling sessions.
Tdlr: My fiancée and I struggle with apologies. I expect acknowledgement and understanding, he tends to over explain, make hurtful comments and get defensive.
4 comments
You know, you have a poor communication problem, but then at the end you talk about how he is violent and has symptoms of physical abuse. I think people should leave at the first episode of violence. I cannot recommend you try to work things out with someone who is physically abusive. The yelling is also abuse, and the slamming doors maybe might not really count as physical abuse, but breaking things is pretty extreme abuse, and a clear form of violent, physical abuse. It’s pretty black and white once you get to the point that someone is breaking things.
This is deeper than someone who has trouble apologizing. He either called you a liar or told you you were imagining things or both.
That’s really not normal.
Long before you come close to marrying this guy you two should get some couples counseling.
If you marry him, he’s going to hit you. That’s what his “short temper” will escalate to once he thinks you’re tied to him completely. The shouting, slamming, and breaking things is already physically abusive intimidation, and a clear sign that he’s gonna escalate once he feels safe to do so.
And then he’ll try to gaslight you into thinking he didn’t hit you, that you’re crazy for even thinking that.
He’s not a wonderful person, and you need to get out of this relationship before things get even worse. I’d suggest seeing if there are any domestic violence support organizations in your area, for tips on how to leave him without endangering yourself.
Red flag #1: trying to convince you that you didn’t say something you said is gaslighting. #2: slamming doors, yelling and breaking things. #3: you’ve been in counseling together and still can’t communicate and he won’t show you respect.