I need an advice on the recent situation. I’m 32f and my boyfriend is 33m. We ve known each other for a year but I though things were awkward at first between he and I and we just stayed friends on social media. Year latter we’ve reconnected, somehow energy was very different instantly , we started seeing each other and within first 1,5-2 month started living together. Thus far, it hasn’t been even 6 month together.
My boyfriend has a kid, 7 yo son, we get alone, he is really wonderful kid, I like them both and care a great deal about both of them. Recently his son called us a family and my boyfriend was asking me how I feel about it. I feel good about it, I would love to see us all working out.
My boyfriend has been living in states for over a year not 2 years yet. He is from South America and moved here so his son can have relationship with his mom (my bf’s ex wife) as they divorced and she left them both 4 years ago.
My bf is a great guy. He works for ups, he is responsible, carrying, handsome. I was over the moon happy to land relationship with him.
Last weekend he had a family even, his auntie’s birthday. He is gotten a little bit too much to drink and when I tried to take him home at around 4am (I was the designated driver) tried and insisted … he got nasty with me. I learned that sometimes he is a bad drunk. He was real douche to me and started hugging another girl while looking me in the eye. I ended up leaving him at the party, he called me back to back until I came back. I drove him to my place, asking him to get his stuff and leave, which he did.
Next day he was calling and apologizing, saying he regrets his actions, he was wrong and all that. That the girl is just a friend they all used to play volleyball before he got injured, and she is too young she is like a kid to him and etc . (She is cute, skinny, definitely young, but old enough to drink and party with everyone- and no one treated her like a kid). I asked him to message her next day and apologize for how he was acting last night and asked to see what she responds. She didn’t respond anything inappropriate
I promised to let it go, I do love him, but I’m also feeling bitter and confused. While talking, and while I was petty, I told him he owns me $40 for the gift he asked me to buy for his auntie. Over the weekend, we were returning to the subject several times. He told me he is under lots of stress, money is tight, mortgage, personal loan, his father shall be coming to live with him soon and that maybe accommodating all that causes him lots of stress. He said he is sometimes a bad drunk and that’s why he prefers not to drink, and that he has never lost it like that, not on a woman.
I believe, I want to believe him, I don’t want to hold on to it and I don’t want to cause him more stress, no one is perfect, we all do mistakes, he is there for me when I fuck up.
We talked enough about it, we agreed to close this incident and move on. But I also feel that something did change. He was my Prince Charming and now I don’t know if I can rely on him and if he is going to have my back when he is out and drinking. I have thoughts if he is with me for me, or maybe I’m just convenient for him right now. Weekdays we stay at my place, it’s one hour driving closer to his job (15 min from my place). I cook most of the times breakfast lunch and dinner. I do spend more money on our relationship… I do make a little bit more money, but not significantly.
I need an advice on how it looks from aside. I don’t want to be chit chatting about it with my family and mom, nor my friend- but I need to know how it looks. Definitely don’t feel like my heart is in the right place. I don’t want to overthink it and be petty and shallow and ruin a good relationship. But I also don’t want to be sliding into a service zone and not see it.
2 comments
Sounds like things are moving really fast, and you’ve hit your first bump. You also sound self-aware and introspective, and have lost just enough euphoria that you can look around and see what may be warning signs. I would just continue to be aware, and let yourself explore the uneasy feelings. Did he ever apologize, or just throw rationalizations at you? Does “close the incident” mean you shut up and not talk about it, or that it got resolved to mutual satisfaction?
Maybe just slow things down and see if your relationship really has a solid base. A person wants to do nice things for their SO, like cooking and spending money, and to share their resources, like living closer to his work. But be careful that you’re not being taken for granted and that you are setting a baseline for expectations that have you giving all the time and him taking.
There’s a lot of stress in both of y’all’s lives right now, and this was the first big problem, which hurts more because your lives are already so intertwined.
You don’t need to accept he’s not going to be respectful of you when drinking, he needs to limit his drinking or bad behavior and it sounds like he accepts his behavior was unacceptable and he’ll work on it. He’s not Prince Charming, he’s not a fantasy, he’s a human being complete with flaws and stuff he needs to work on.
Sometimes we do more than we can or want to maintain in a relationship when it’s young and we’re starry eyed. It’s okay to cook less and spend less, just do it for you not to be malicious