There are posts every day about people whose friend has started messaging them less. “Did I offend them?” “Why did they leave me on read?” “Will I seem clingy if I keep texting them?”
Then there’s likely some advice in the comments. This advice basically says you’re bored – go do things to get your mind off that friend. You’ll magically attract people once you’re happy and interesting.
Those of us who’ve been on this sub long enough know exactly what advice I’m talking about as it’s heavily copy pasted in many threads. It’s good but flawed. It only distracts you from a fading friendship. We don’t want to just discard friends the second it appears we’re less of a priority.
Who’s experienced this and how did you regain closeness with your friend?
7 comments
A friendship cannot exist and be maintained because you will be lonely otherwise. You have to understand that friendship has to be desirable and valuable to them in the same way it is to you. What are these distant friends going to get out of maintaining this friendship with you ? Are you a conversationalist ? Do you bring positive vibes and positive energy ? Do you add some kind of tangible value to their lives ? People figure this out based on past interactions with you and their overall impressions of you. The decision prioritize you is made on a subconscious level.
There’s a difference between becoming less of a priority, and being in a dying friendship. I’ve never observed it being possible to intentionally reconnect with a person, because you can’t control how people feel about you. That’s why a lot of the advice revolves around moving on with your life. Sometimes you do reconnect naturally.
I think it depends on why the friendship is dying and how both people feel about the fact that it is dying. I had a dying friendship that was dying because I wasn’t putting enough effort in because of things that were going on in my life at the time. As soon as I noticed it was dying I started putting effort back in and everything went back to normal. If my friend had been upset about the fact that I was letting our friendship die, it probably wouldn’t have been able to be saved.
I think some people purposely let friendships die because they don’t want to be friends anymore, but don’t want the conflict of admitting it. A long time ago I had a friend that would do that with everyone she didn’t want to be friends with anymore, instead of just telling them. When they would keep messaging her even though she didn’t reply, she would make fun of them behind their back to me, or other friends. Some of these people had no idea the type of person she was, because she would hide it from most people, so they truly didn’t know what was going on.
I think it’s just really hard to tell and you should do whatever feels like the right thing for you to do. Some friends might be purposely not replying, some might be going through something and the fact that you still message them could make them feel better, there’s many reasons someone might not talk as much. If it feels better for you to let it go, then let it go. If you’re stuck thinking “what if?” then message them and find out.
it’s not “you’ll magically attract people once you’re happy and interesting”, it’s “people who are desperate to make friends are more likely to see you as a means to an end rather than as a person in your own right and no one wants to be seen like that, so try to get to a place where you feel more secure and can treat people as people”.
i think what you’re picking up on is that some people who post here aren’t just upset about a friendship ending, they’re anxiously watching their only social outlet disappear – ie thinking about their friends as means to an end to some degree. in which case the advice to focus on something else is pretty good – it encourages the poster to give their friend space and build the kind of security that means they can approach their friend as a person. and if the friendship does dissolve, it may help them build new friendships.
it’s completely normal to try and revive a friendship long after it’s gone, even for people with robust social circles – but even then, it’s important to acknowledge that there’s only so much you can do to keep a friendship going if your friend is already backing away. maybe they’re upset at you and you can talk it out, maybe they thought you weren’t interested and you can reassure them, but there’s many other reasons why someone might be putting distance between you and you can’t always change their mind
Never. The few times I tried or they tried just seemed to highlight why we became distant. People grow apart. I think from this I’ve had a friend rule. A friend must never doubt that I care about them. A friend must never make me doubt they care about me.
With dying friendships, you’re going to have to make that personal call – you know that individual better than strangers on reddit.
There is a possibility they are busy, going through their own emotional turmoil, or they might even feel just like you! There is always a chance they also no longer want to maintain a friendship with you.
I’ve experienced all of this. I’ve experienced the decline of maintained friendships, being left on read, and choosing to ignore messages due to wanting to cut ties with that said friendship. Rekindling a friendship isn’t 50/50, it’s 100/100. If you reach out, are they happy you replied or are you just filling their void cause they’re bored? I reached out to a old cosplay steamer buddy and she was excited to message me back…because she wanted me to “like and sub” to her as another generic follower, not as a friend. I chose to no longer contact this individual after a few failed attempts. Another friend, I met her originally on reddit and we got lunch together and we were super homies. She moved for a job and our texting has diminished severely. We maybe text every now and then, few times a month, and how she responds to me and her level of emotion is the exact same way when we hung out irl. Just because she’s found a career and now has a family doesn’t mean we’re not friends or our friendship is dying. We just accommodate and respect each others’ new lives. So how do I rekindle a friendship? I rekindle it if they’re putting in an effort and we both can clearly see it. It doesn’t matter who messages who first, what matters is are we both responding and making a conscious effort despite how are current lives are.
Friendship can be difficult because a lot is based on experience and it’s trial and error plus learning from mistakes. What matters at the root is your mental health. If someone is making you feel anguish, depression, or self conflict, that doesn’t sound like a friend.
Honestly I have a few friendships that have died or just arnt the same. Mostly I am still friends with them but it’s just not the same as it used to be if we get together in person it’s just like it used to be. But as far as phone conversation or texting or messing it judt doesn’t happen as much. I do have some friends that our friendship didn’t seem as tight because they lived further away or were spending more time with other people sometimes life just changes but these same friends I’m still close with we get together more then we used you. I just keep letting them know I am there for them.