So, my current girlfriend was sexually assaulted by one of her friends years ago, and she now has trust issues with guys (she says that we have been doing well). This is totally understandable and I have No problems being patient with her and listening to her issues regarding this situation.
We have been official for about a month and a half now, and she mentioned how one of her friends was assaulted a couple of days ago, and said that it pushed her trust with me a little bit. in other words, the assault on her friend made her feel like trusting me sexually has been pushed off even more.
I’m totally fine being patient with her. But I’m not fine with her using someone else’s terrible behavior (the guy who assaulted her friend) to justify the thing we have to overcome in our own relationship.
Am I wrong for thinking this is unfair? Should I bring this up with her? I felt hurt by the idea that she couldn’t trust me based on someone else’s behavior, because it makes me feel like she potentially sees me as someone who would assault her as well..
Thoughts?
7 comments
I mean, to be blunt: yes, 100%, her past experiences are going to impact how she views you. She experienced a tremendously traumatic event at the hands of a person she trusted. That’s absolutely going to be the kind of thing that can create trust issues and impact future relationships.
That’s not her “using someone else’s behavior to justify” anything. That’s an explanation, not an excuse. You say you’re fine waiting for her and being patient, but you’re exhibiting impatience.
Trauma isn’t something you just turn off. Things can trigger it and bring it back the front, and it can take a lot of work and lot of patience to get through.
You *are* someone who could potentially assault her. A friend of hers showed her that even people she trusts and cares about can do terrible things to her. She’s not in your head. She can’t read your mind. You know you’re not that person, but she can’t know that. She can only work on trusting you and working through her trauma.
You can’t take that personally; her trauma isn’t about you. It’s about what happened to her.
Does it suck that it has an impact on the two of you? Yes. Is that your fault? No. Is it *her* fault? Also no. It’s absolutely unfair, but it’s also unfair that someone she trusted abused that trust and sexually assaulted her.
That’s a hard situation to be in, and maybe you’re not up to it, and that’s okay, but you can’t go down the path of blaming her for her trauma or expecting her to trust you 100% after something like that. If you can be patient, then be patient. If you can’t, then peace out.
she must do self work prior to agreeing to a relationship. it is entirely unfair for her to project any man’s behavior onto you. most men do not sexually assault women and you are one of them. advice is to tell her to look you up when she is ready to be in a relationship free and clear of her thoughts on other people. you are not her therapist.
It’s hard because yes, it is understandable that you feel this way. But it also is understandable, that she is somewhat scared, that you might do something like this as well in the future. Yes, it wasn’t you who assaulted her or her friend. But she was assaulted by a friend of hers, maybe one she knew for a while, maybe even one she thought she knew well. So it is 100% okay for her to be scared, that someone else she knows might be capable of doing something like this as well.
I think it’s okay to talk to her about it hurting you and to tell her your Feelings. But wait until your feelings aren’t “it’s unfair towards me” anymore but more like “it hurts to know that you are scared of me doing something like this”.
In a relationship it’s crucial to talk about your feelings and you can do that to. Just in the right way. Don’t make her feel guilty or bad for something she can’t control.
I was a bit scared of my Ex as well sometimes during our relationship because of past experiences. And it’s okay to feel hurt by that.
And if she doesn’t go to therapy anymore it would be helpful I believe, for her to go there and work on her issues. Maybe you could even try couple therapy.
And I think for your side: It could be helpful if you would think of ways that would make her feel a lot more sure about you. Maybe some thing you could do to make her feel really secure with you. That could be going to therapy with her, it could be something else. But maybe that would just strongen her trust in you
Yes you should bring it up. That makes no sense and isn’t fair to you. Hard talks are good early on. Your feelings matter just as much as hers.
She was was sexually assaulted years ago and just heard that a close friend was assaulted too.
She more than likely has PTSD and hearing about her friend probably triggered her.
I’m sorry. That really sucks. I think you’re justified in feeling that this is unfair. Because it is unfair. It’s totally unfair. And believe me, I’m the same way. I’m willing to be patient and work at a lady’s speed.
That said, I wish there was something you could do. If you express this as a problem, you’re going to look bad. And if anything, you’ll reinforce whatever reservations she has about you – fair or not. So your only options are to either let it go and continue at her pace, or to break up. Again, that really sucks. And to be honest, it would make me wonder if she isn’t sort of leading you on a bit, because there could always be something that happens or pops up that reminds her of what happened to her. She could really use anything as a reason.
I feel empathy for sexual assault saviors I really do, but I just would not date some one with that trauma.