My (24F) boyfriend (25M) has expressed that he wants to donate 90% of his assets when he dies. This is obviously a silly thing to think about because we’re so young, but I love discussing crazy hypothetical scenarios with him. So I’ve found out from some of these hypothetical discussions, that if he won the lottery, if he inherits money from his parents/grandparents, and if he dies with assets, he would donate 90% of it no matter what.
His altruism is one of the reasons I love about him and I’d want to support him on this. The lottery and inheritance thing I totally understand since it’s his money and decision. But if we were to get married, have kids, grow old and build a legacy together… when I die I’d probably leave 90% of the money for my kids and donate the remaining 10%. At the end of the day I suppose we could just act as individuals and do with our money what we please but I guess I feel a little sad that he wouldn’t want to try to give our future kids/grandkids a headstart in life and I wonder if he’d resent me for not donating more. His reasoning for all of this is that he feels his highest calling is to make the greatest positive impact on the world and that he doesn’t want to use money he didn’t earn, and thus doesn’t feel like his kids would use money they didn’t earn. I somewhat feel our values are misaligned because for me, perhaps selfishly, family is above all and I feel like everything I’m working towards is to give my future kids a great life.
I know this seems stupid because it’s a hypothetical, but I’m curious about how y’all would feel and if anyone further in life than us has experience with this situation.
tldr: My boyfriend and I disagree about what we would do with our assets upon death (hypothetically!)
35 comments
If my spouse had this thought then I would hope that I outlived them so I could pass our legacy onto our kids instead. If my partner wanted to do good like that I’d instead encourage them to donate their time helping others while they can. Tossing money to charities doesn’t do as much good as most people think it does. Too many folks want their cut.
So get a prenup (if you even get married), make your own money, and do with it what you want. Although the fact you are so upset at this hypothetical situation suggests marriage may not be the best path for you here…
If you have children who have no limiting disabilities, and if you raise them well with good training & education so they can support themselves, there is no reason to leave them any assets at all.
This doesn’t sound that hypothetical if you think about it.
Is he not going to help your children at all once they turn adult age? What will he teach them?
Hypothetical aside, what else does he want to do to make his highest calling come true?
> thus doesn’t feel like his kids would use money they didn’t earn
It sounds like he believes someone should work for their money. That’s a pretty big difference in opinions. What does he think about welfare or where the charity money goes – essentially those given from charities are handouts too.
My issue with this would be two things:
1. Once you’re married, esp if you own property or have kids, your assets become much more intermingled
2. Would he still do this if it meant you and your kids weren’t properly taken care of? What if this meant you’d have to sell your home, or that your kids wouldn’t have any money for college?
Giving to charity is great and all, but I would talk about this more with him to see if he cares about making sure his family is taken care of first.
I mean, when you get married, any assets he receives will also be your assets, so it won’t be as easy to make these differentiations. He may not be able to decide what to do with “90%” of his money because it’ll likely be considered joint. But even if it was, it would upset me if my partner was unwilling to say, leave our kids a college fund, or me money to survive on after he’s gone…
Does your boyfriend even want kids for sure?
I don’t see the issue really. This is assuming that your children have grown older and are established enough to take care of themselves. At that point it should be his right to donate any assets that belong to him.
The only issue that I can see is if you two have shared assets that he wants to donate. In which case you guys need to determine early on how much he can give away.
Seems like in such a situation compromise is needed.
You could approach a discussion about this with an idea of having a ‘guaranteed minimum’ that will go towards the kids as inheritance to help them out, and anything above that can be the 90/10 split. And that minimum could change with the kids age. So for instance if (very unfortunately) he passes when the kids are 5 years old, then all of it inherits to them / you to pay for their upbringing. But if he passes when they are adults, 30, say, then he passes on a minimum of $200K (say) to each kid, and anything above that is the 90/10 split he wants.
He may be quite amenable to that idea, as it could fit with his ideals of not having excessive inheritance of wealth between generations. While also fitting with your hope of providing enough money to your kids to help them out through life.
We aren’t having kids, so I can’t answer your question directly, but wanted to toss you some more food for thought.
> I guess I feel a little sad that he wouldn’t want to try to give our future kids/grandkids a headstart in life
Most likely, by the time of his passing, he will have already spent significant time and money giving your progeny a head start in life. You don’t wait until the will to give your kids the benefits of the money you’ve earned.
On the other hand, if your children are in their 60s and you’re updating your will, maybe you decide they don’t need your 90% anymore anyway. They’re settled and comfortable and looking at their own retirement savings and you feel you can donate your 90% to no ill effect. IMO this percentage should probably change over time, depending on who your beneficiaries are, etc.
>he feels his highest calling is to make the greatest positive impact on the world and that he doesn’t want to use money he didn’t earn
It seems like you enjoy little debates like this with him, and if that’s true, I would also ask, where would he donate the money that he’s confident would make the greatest positive impact? Many big charities absorb a lot of their donations in overhead, versus grassroots organizations that use all the money toward their goals, but sometimes are less effective due to lesser reputation, connections, resources, etc. It’s not as simple as “I leave 90% of my assets to World Peace”.
And, to my point above, if part of your hypothetical is inheriting money from his family, I have to make the educated guess here that his family has given him some support in life. He has already “used money he didn’t earn” if he ate the food they provided, slept in shelter they provided, etc. So he may need to hone his arguments here anyway. And you might feel differently about his argument as it evolves.
Maybe he’s planning on being a billionaire?
Is he going to follow that philosophy throughout his life or is this just an after death approach? I could see it being an issue if you want to say, help kids with post secondary education costs or with a down payment on a house, and he feels strongly that they shouldn’t receive any assistance from either one of you.
Also, assuming one of you dies before the other, what happens to assets then and what happens once the second person dies? I get what you’re saying about separate assets, but in most long relationships, the majority of assets end up being joint. If he dies and you had a joint house, is he expecting you to sell the house immediately and donate 90%? That seems impractical.
It really depends on how much money he dies with. Instead of talking about in percentages, see if you can agree on a number that an estate less than this value is fully kept in the family, and anything above that value gets donated. I.e if you think that 500k is a fair sum to leave to your kids, or even 5m or whatever it is, anything less than that is kept in the family and anything over that is fully donated. Then, if he ended up winning the jackpot lottery, more than 90% gets donated, but if he works a blue collar job forever, you’re still able to provide for your kids.
I think you could spend some time together talking about values, how you want to have a good impact in the world, how you want to eventually raise humans that do good in the world, and the limitations of the nonprofit complex. I think this is the kind of thing y’all can research and discuss yourselves onto the same page, not something that you need to assume is a values difference of unchanging opinions.
it seems stupid because this is stupid. Realistically if you were his wife you’d be getting dicked over for what is legally half your money while you’re in retirement. If you have kids, you’re also needlessly hamstrining them in life.
Maybe he considered the hypothetical if he were to die as he is now (childless). Perhaps if you add the children to the hypothetical his answer would change.
He has told you that what he values more.
He values how society will remember his generosity MORE than his familys well being.
I think this is some form of mental issue where charity crosses the line and hurts your own well being.
What if one day he decides to donate an organ to a stranger? While its a
Noble cause, unless hes a really rich, it places a lot of burden on his immediate family.
The only time id give it to charity is if my children are fuck ups or drug addicts. Otherwise, im giving it all to my children.
I wonder, has your boyfriend ever struggled in his life?
I see this sentiment more in people who grew up comfortably versus people who grew up with nothing. Easier to give away money to strangers when your family isn’t counting every penny.
Personally I think it’s fine, but I would discuss keeping finances somewhat separate. How does he feel about using the money on kids while he is alive? College? House? Whatever else?
I don’t see anything wrong with his values or your values, and many people take good care of their children during their lives while still substantially leaving their estates to charity after death.
The one big thing would be to make sure it is done properly. There will be laws protecting you ensuring he cannot disinherit you if it leaves you bereft – an estate lawyer can help provide guidance on the best way to proceed, and the best way forward may change overtime if his nest egg grows or shrinks.
The second is, I can completely understand the desire to not leave money to your children if they are in their 50s when you and he both die – chances are you will have had ample chance to gift your children anything that you feel strongly about wanting to gift them, by that time. However – what if you have a disabled child who needs money for ongoing care? Or what if he has children who are still very young when he dies? Or children who are still young when you both die at the same time?
If the time comes to plan out your estates, talk to a lawyer who can help you know your options and help you work out all the hypotheticals.
I think this depends entirely on what level of assets you’re expecting to have/inherit. I do think it’s not great to hoard generational wealth instead of giving it back to the community. I also think if you can afford to leave *some* wealth to benefit your kids/siblings/whatever that’s a loving thing to do. The scale of the wealth you’re talking about really affects whether you can do both.
Personally, I’m likely to inherit an amount of money that does strike me as generational wealth hoarding. If I do, my intention is to set aside what I think will be needed to take care of my loved ones for life – because I’m not wholly altruistic, and because two of them are disabled with expensive medical needs – but give away the rest.
Basically, you both have good intentions, in an ideal world depending on the amounts you’re talking about there’s no reason you can’t do both. Maybe you do a 50/50 split or 75/25 split to get closer to satisfying both of you. But if your assets are likely to be so small that there’s nothing left over once you’ve set up the kids with education and housing, then you have to have some harder conversations.
How did he pick the 90% number? How did you pick your 10% number? I think there is some kind of value difference here, about the value of making your own money. he is clearly assuming that you and his kids will be able to do well for yourselves and not be in any financial need by the time he passes. Perhaps he would also be a generous spender on family wnats and needs while he is alive? I suspect if you talk through scenarios where you or the kids NEEDED money, he would pay/help rather than give it outside the family.
My parents wrote a will that gives me and my siblings a fixed amount and anything above that will be donated to charities we pick. Maybe something like that would work for you two, where you make sure your family is taken care of and also that a good chunk of money goes to good external causes.
I would be hurt if I didn’t get anything. 😕
It is not a silly thing to contemplate just because you are young. The elderly aren’t the only section of the population that die. Between accidents, shootings, and unusual diseases a person should always have a trust or will.
Your boyfriend’s attitude toward money is as naive as it is commendable, particularly if he plans to marry and have children someday. Simply raising a child his very expensive.
I am thankful everyday for the educational trust funds my in-laws set up for each of their grandchildren. I was a single mom at the time they went to college with no help from their deadbeat son. My son’s saw him through 4 years at college, paid for his masters from Yale, and he had enough left over to make a downpayment on a small home in the San Francisco Bay area after he married.
Money isn’t the best way to make an impact on the world because it is a way of buying your preferences at the expense of people not as financially gifted. Giving of time is much more important. Drive Meals-on-Wheels, help at soup kitchens, tutor less advantaged children, work on political campaigns, and help get out the vote.
Our assets are joint so I’d be pretty upset. I can support myself fine now as we don’t have dependents, but when we have young children, that will be a lot harder. We are young and I hope we will grow old together, but these last few years have put me more in touch with our mortality. Additionally, there are cost associated with the death like the funeral etc which depending on your financial situation might exceed 10% of his estate.
I’d understand if my partner wanted to do that. It’s kind of comforting to live knowing that if I died tomorrow it would result in some people getting helped out. If I raise my family to be secure and self reliant then they wouldn’t need my inheritance.
Y’all are putting way too much stock in what a 25 year old says. Half of it ends up being nonsense.
He’s only 25. It’s a beautiful idea to donate all he has, but unrealistic if he has a child and looks them in the eye (aka: falls in love with them instantly). Definitely not something you should be fretting over from now. Good on you for having a good head on your shoulders, though. Very mature :]
>At the end of the day I suppose we could just act as individuals and do with our money what we please
Worth pointing out that if you get married this isn’t possible, barring some pretty specific prenup language.
>he doesn’t want to use money he didn’t earn, and thus doesn’t feel like his kids would use money they didn’t earn.
I find that people who say things like this have interesting definitions of “earned,” generally speaking.
What if you have kids? God forbid anything happens and one parent dies. Wouldn’t you want to leave money to your partner to help raise them and maybe help with college.
I get not wanting to leave money to grown kids that they are relying on the inheritance.
For all you know his idea might change as he’s older and maybe has a family of your own.
His opinion will very likely change with age and life experience. It’s one thing to say I’ll disinherit my hypothetical kids for some noble goal, but once you’ve spent a decade loving your actual kids, he likely will want to provide for them. He is also assuming his kids are going to be healthy and able to support themselves, which may not be true once the kids actually show up. The guilt he feels for being privileged will likely lessen with age.
He also can’t give away joint assets. If you hold property as joint tenants, it will go to you.
Also the law may prevent his plan. Some jurisdictions have rules to prevent parents from leaving minor children without sufficient support and/or rules that you can’t leave a spouse without sufficient support or that the spouse can’t get less than they would have if they had divorced before death.
You were right, this is a stupid hypothetical. Perfect for reddit though.
You’re 24, just go on vacation with each other and bang each others brains out and stop worrying about what portion of your belongings will be at your kid’s house, the estate sale or the Salvation Army.
Generational wealth is a major societal problem, your boyfriend sounds like he wants to do the right thing. I’m surprised to hear that someone would be bothered by this.
I get the impression that your disappointment is that you are assuming that he would still do this even if you, or your children, were financially struggling and dependent on him. Have you confirmed this assumption with him? What did he say about it?
Also, I would assume that he means 90% after the death of both him and you. Not while either of you are still around. Unless you will have rigorously separate finances.
Tbh it does feel to me like you’re going out of your way to find something to be upset about. No reasonable interpretation of what he said seems objectionable to me, unless you really do just want to pass a large inheritance on to your surviving children and grandchildren.
I don’t think it’s silly at all. Most marriages blow up because of money issues, better to know his perspective on money now before you get attached.
It’s a lovely sentiment he has, but you need to gently probe to see if he has some kind of saviour complex. Will he always give money away and leave you to pay for everything? That will breed resentment real fast.
This is a fundamental difference; do not feel stupid if you decide to break up with him over this. I can tell you I would. I dated a guy like this who always wanted to be seen as a hero, but he was doing it with my resources, but he never understood it that way. Never again.