My bf (37) and I (39) have been together nearly 9 months. We’ve had an amazing honeymoon phase, traveling & doing things we love together etc. We have great intimacy/connection and a lot in common. We’ve talked about a future, living together, getting married etc.
Sadly I’ve been noticing a pattern of possible disrespect on his part, although he seems clueless that these things would hurt me so it’s not intentional. There have been a few red flags but the most recent one is what’s making me wonder if there isn’t a future for us.
He has an ex gf that is a super hot Rockette dancer in NY. and they’re still friendly. We stayed at her apt. in NY once for a weekend without my knowledge (she rents it out when she travels). I expressed very clearly that I was uncomfortable with that at the time & didn’t want to sleep in her bed, he said he didn’t consider that & was sorry.
This past week, he told me his family will be visiting NY from down south and he reached out to her to meet his family and take them on a tour behind the scenes of the Rockette show. He didn’t invite me nor ask if I wanted to plan on seeing them when they visit. But he’s making plans for his ex Rockette gf to hang out with them and take pictures together?
I was angry and jealous and communicated that I felt it was inappropriate and awkward for me but again, he didn’t understand why. He said sorry again & didn’t consider it would bother me. He asked if I wanted him to stop talking to her but I don’t want to be controlling or put in that position so of course I said no.
I’m battling between if this is my issue with insecurity & jealously or if he was wrong and is disrespecting me. My friends all seem to be just as, if not more upset than I am about it but they’re biased. I want to see it from all sides.
TL;DR: Bf reached out to hot ex gf Rockette to meet his visiting family & give them a tour when he made no plans with me to see them.
30 comments
From what you’ve described, I kinda get a selfish vibe from your BF if it has anything to do with the ex. He’s being insensitive to your feelings concerning her, and I almost think (because it is total speculation) that he wanted you to say you didn’t want him to see her anymore. That way, you are the bad guy. If it was an honest offer, he would’ve stated that he won’t see her because he knows it makes you uncomfortable instead of putting it on you to make a decision. There are unresolved feelings between them that need to be addressed until you and he can move forward. I am sorry you’re going through this. It sucks.
I mean maybe he doesnt see you as the take home to parents sort. And only the play before marriage.
Think about his other interactions and see if there are any clues one way or another. And not words and talking about plans. Those are empty and easy
Ps will you be going to ny to meet the parents or did he just say sorry but still cut you out?
There is no way that a 37 year old man doesn’t think these behaviors would cause a problem unless he has a cognitive deficit.
You’re still hanging in, so expect more of the same.
He’s 37, pretty set in his ways. This is who he is. Are you willing to put up with that….?
Telling him to not speak to an ex is reasonable. If he doesn’t have kids with an ex they have no reason to speak again. He has you now and he’s being disrespectful. How would he like it if you hung out with handsome ex boyfriends?
Have you met his parents??
Clear boundaries are always the best approach. You know you can’t control other people. But you can be present in your relationship and communicative by setting the right expectations. If this is a deal-breaker for you, don’t be afraid to say it. You’re old enough to know what you want and what you’re willing to settle with. He’s old enough to know what he wants and what he can settle with. Have the conversation, don’t mince words, and let the universe handle the rest. Honestly will always take you in the direction you need to go.
And just to be clear, the situation you’re in is not one I would be comfortable with, nor would I allow myself to stay in a relationship with such parameters.
Honestly from reading your responses also you sound much more mature and introspective than him. He lacks the self awareness that you have and would need to have in a successful relationship in your late 30s. Sounds like he’s acting like an early 20s idiot.
…this is seriously something an adult wrote?
He seems Gung Ho on HER and feels you and her would not really Fit nor Click so he excludes you and gives this EX all his attention and even includes his own family. Disrespectful and no regard for your feelings. I’d Rocket his ass out of my life. Let her have him back.
I woulda left him after finding out I slept in her apartment… big no mostly because he didn’t tell you beforehand
I don’t see anything wrong with anything he’s done.
Never understood people that keep talking to or stay friends with their exes. It’s just diversifying your investments. Everyone who blabs something something about how “achktuallyh ekses can be fwends” is just farting outta their mouth to make themselves look like levitating saints, while they are just buying some cheap stocks on the side with their pocket money just in case.
You’re not wrong for feeling upset, my opinion on your situation is that your boyfriend is wrong. You really don’t know a person within 9 months alone. At times we are afraid to vocalize what makes us uncomfortable because we already emotionally invested in the other person. If your connection with him is as strong as you described there wouldn’t be a reason to choose between you or his ex. He would simply distance himself or include you in their activities if there isn’t anything going on. I know the dating world is difficult right now but try to be a little more assertive, you can still remain gentle in your approach. I wouldn’t suggest accepting what makes you unhappy for too long.
You talk about Rockette like a Dallas cowboy cheerleader. I had to google it. Pass me a Budweiser and the pork rinds I guess.
Okay what he’s doing is just.. dumb.. but did you ever consider just saying “yes it would be great if you cut all contact with the ex” and see where that goes? I highly doubt anyone would consider you controlling for not wanting him to treat his ex like his girlfriend?
You’re not overreacting. He has an established pattern of not considering your feelings. He needs to have better boundaries with his ex, or he will have no room for an actual partner.
He’s too old to be that clueless
I would be so mad I feel you
Idk unless they’re having sex and still in a relationship friends with exs don’t bother me in relationships. Actually I respect the friendly break more than I do “oh she’s just crazy” I consider exs staying around but JUST friends a green flag of maturity.
And just to be clear, this isn’t the EX drama, or terrible breaks I’m talking about. It really depends on the type of dynamics you’re looking for.
I also made my ex my business partner and I absolutely adore his wife and the family they have built together. Doesn’t even cross my mind of being intimate with him or bringing drama to their relationship.
My husband is the same way though. He has 2 main marriages before me, and I absolutely love his first wife and consider her a dear friend. I’ve never met his second wife, as she left him and moved out of state.
But with that being said, go with your guts and your instincts. Doesn’t hurt to trust, but don’t ever blindly trust. Ask question, get to know them both in a friend setting, make sure it is known where you stand, where your boundaries are, and what you need in your relationship for to feel safe, respected, and loved.
But did he invite you along after you told him it bothered you or did he just say sorry?
It sounds to me like your boyfriend is probably just a dude who has a good relationship with his ex who happens to have a really cool job. Some people don’t get jealous/insecure over things like this, and it often makes them have a hard time really emotionally understanding people who do, and especially predicting the behaviors that would make those people upset.
That said, for his sake and yours, I think you should end it. Your responses to the people validating your feelings make you sound somewhat immature, so you’re unlikely to learn to deal with your feelings or set boundaries in a healthy way for both of you. It’s also obvious that you already view him pretty poorly, whether because of this or other things. He deserves better than a relationship with someone who thinks so little of him and struggles with insecurities he doesn’t understand and would have to modify behavior he’s comfortable with to assuage, and you deserve better than being in a relationship with someone you’re constantly on the verge of unhappiness with, and who makes you doubt yourself. It does not sound like you’re compatible in this way.
Is he clueless or is he hoping that you are?
You can’t change him but you can change how you feel about the situation.
Think about it. She’s hot right? Why does she want this dork simp? She’s probably got much finer dudes in her back burner. She’s just being cordial cause she has performer status. She probably looks at the dude like “ugghh I gotta entertain him cause I have theater status now his chick is probably gonna be mad as is I wanna take back the sloppy seconds… No way… I hate that he’s just doing this to flex cause hes getting photos.. “
I see comments “he is old enough, he should know better”, but that’s garbage. We all should know better but it’s not easy. He is definitely selfish though, and there are alot of selfish people out there so he isn’t unique in that. I do want to say again the fact that he is selfish is bad, but as you can guess it is not an easy thing to come out of. You also know that as you mention that he might not be aware of any of this.
If you are building any kind of future though, as you are feeling hurt you should definitely communicate that to him. If he is okay with you being hurt you should leave for sure, if he not okay with you being hurt he will start working towards a change. I recommend you both to work on change. How come you did not immediately talked through this with him? Why are you here? Trust issues much? Everyone has issues and couples have an advantage of having an obvious partner to work on these issues. If you are not willing to grow with this guy, all this conversation is pure patting yourself for being a victim. And again if he is okay with you being hurt, you still are not a victim, he is just past any reason and you can just give this up now. However, if he cares for you and if you can put the pride and pretense aside and actually start working on a relationship (past the honeymoon), then maybe you guys have some future being partners.
People here are quick to give up and I understand that cause none of them has any idea of how to actually work on themselves and do change for the better. Once something goes wrong they all panic and instead of putting any work into a relationship they look for someone else more “perfect”.
Another thing, we can always sit back and point fingers when something goes wrong, but without this hindsight I guarantee you all of them would do the same if not worse. It is easy for me to point when I am hurt, cause it’s me who is hurt and that’s what I feel. But it’s a whole other universe to know that someone else is hurt cause of me. I worked on that and still working and there is a long way ahead of me. If you want to help your partner and you want to have a strong relationship built, do the courtesy and tell him about how you feel. Tell him exactly that both of you need to work on issues otherwise this relationship is going nowhere.
I’m confused – I thought from you saying that you’d stayed in her place in NYC, that you didn’t live there. In which case, why would you and your BF go to NY just because his family are going there?
Tell him he needs to choose you or his ex girlfriend. He does not respect you at all.
I’m going to be honest with you. He wants to be with her again. You need to move on.
I would be upset about this if it were me. He is definitely showing some red flags. Leave before it gets too complicated; you deserve better.