I always wondered why nobody ever gave me a chance even though I was trying my hardest to be nice to people and that was my go to to make new friends, well, at some point I did figure out that’s not enough and now that I’m on uni and I’ve met a few new people I’d like to say that I’ve grown out of that habit mostly, but I just knew it wasn’t enough, I never realized why exactly that was the case.
Well that changed, I met someone who’s incredibly smart and incredibly nice, but she has no social skills whatsoever. Like, sometimes she’s just incredibly hard to talk to because she’ll be giving one word responses or asking about topics that don’t really lead to a discussion. It leaves many interactions feeling empty and unsatisfying. I know I’ve been like this too and I can tell she’s genuinely trying so I wanna be there to help her start from somewhere, and I’m not gonna judge her for her flaws but it’s really put some things into perspective about how I used to operate.
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try communicating with her nonverbally first? Used to be the type to physically communicate, whether it’d be doing a project together or sharing a snack in silence, just handing it to them as if it’s a gift for them in a comfortable manner and if they turn it down don’t treat it like it’s a big deal just shrug and take it back, small things build up.
soon the comfortability builds up and so does the voice, eventually talking will be comfortable, but **you gotta be physically comfortable before you can be mentally comfortable.**
Haha, i’m at this point right now too. I’m kinda glad to see someone else who’s gone through the same thing :,) I absolutely have 0 social skills whatsoever as of now , but I try my best and I’m taking the most babiest steps ever..
Looks like my situation, I tried to be nice but it backfired hard. Perhaps I should just act like an asshole, I’m nearly giving up trying to socialize
Yep, I wish people would stop giving advice saying just be a nice person. The truth is we all are selfish and we want others to meet our needs.
So I learn to bring something to the table and provide value to the relationship. When I started thinking like that, I got more out of people and I felt closer.
If you’re nice or “being nice” you’re not expecting a return. If you think you deserve anything from being nice you’re not actually being nice, you’re just trying to complete a business transaction. So yeah become more well rounded it’s ok to be selfish at times and it’s also ok to be nice as long as it’s genuine. It really just comes down to honesty and being honest with expectations. Like with most things there is a grey area.
What’s she think about that ? I mean did she show you in interst to change herself ? Cuz I was on this side and I changed many things to be more open and let ppl come in more easily in my life, but at the end whatever I was ready to give or make that doesn’t made me feel accepted. So juste let her being what she want and the indeed changement will come over from her. For me it’s the only way to truly living happy.
Sorry for my bad English skills
I think a huge part of this for me is realizing that relating to people takes so much more than just listening and talking about superficial things. Something I’m really struggling with though is finding my identity in a space that isn’t just “nice” since it has been my default for so long (mainly bc of anxiety :P) would love to know if you have any insight on how you’ve been growing on this front. It’s like my brain just doesn’t know how to pull topics I’m interested in up to the surface.
So what did you do exactly besides being nice?
As you said–avoid just one word answers. If someone asks a question and your answer is negative then provide an alternative.
Ex: “do you like nirvana?”.
“No. I’m more into hip hop/rap–like Kendrick Lamar”.
If you just say “no” then you provide no path forward for the conversation. Look into techniques used for improv–you want to always leave a path forward for the conversation.
For a small note on making other people more comfortable–laugh at their jokes. It’s a minor thing but even just a small chuckle helps people feel more comfortable and they’ll like you more as a result.
So if someone makes a dumb joke–give them a little chuckle. You don’t have to bust a gut but just a little laugh is good. We can all be so stingy with our laughter and fail to realize how comfortable it can make people feel.
Think about the times someone helped you adjust to a new group/helped you feel comfy–Id bet a lot of you will remember that they listened to you and, often, laughed at some small joke you made.
Have you considered any books or programs on conversations, communicating?
I feel like one of the students at my university wrote this about me lol
Don’t tell her you notice these flaws about her that you want to help her with because you have experienced them.
Nice is a given, like “breathing.”
More than ‘nice’ is needed to get people to want to hang out with you.
be nice because theres too much negativity in the world to add to it. If you are expecting something in return then you aren’t actually being nice, you’re just playing nice. Some people never get the chance to develop their social skills until they get to college. Its great that you can see how you’ve developed yourself and this seems like an opportunity to be nice to someone that hasn’t developed their social skills as much as you. Everyone moves at their own pace.
Edit: typos
There is a quote I heard a while back that hit me hard. It’s partially related to what you’re talking about.
“A friend of everyone, is a friend of no one.”
It’s important to have your own opinions and things you stand for. Be a good person, but don’t just focus on being nice. It will get you stepped on and earn you no respect from people.
Try to do the right things, but don’t forget to stand up for yourself.
Being nice is like a prerequisite. It’s a must. But in itself, it’s definitely not enough.
I want to have fun with my friends. Laugh. Enjoy myself immensely. Be heard. Talk about the deep stuff. Talk about the light stuff. Cry. Laugh again.
You get that from people who are spontaneous, light, funny, friendly, empathetic and good listeners.
Being nice is just the beginning. There are other qualities to develop.
> but she has no social skills whatsoever. Like, sometimes she’s just incredibly hard to talk to because she’ll be giving one word responses
basically me, i’m like this too. i try to be nice, polite and all but i’m quite awkward and never really know what to say
God I’m exactly like her and I have no idea how to change that😭
i have good conversation skills and still have no friends
seeing things from someone else’s point of view can be helpful and informative, it’s part of why empathy is important
Don’t be nice. Be authentic. It will push some people away but it will draw others towards you. Also, don’t go to any real trouble to hide your flaws. Why? Because then you’re inauthentic. You take L’s when you’re authentic but you also get genuine W’s.
There’s also the great book No More Mr. Nice Guy, that’s a great read too.
Personally, I like [Patrice O’Neal’s perspective on it](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tGa67YAY_s). I know it sounds like, whatever, but whatever. It is what it is.
Literally me! These are my high school experiences. I still have to get better at my social skills. Lots of work to still do. But it’s amazing having people like you who understand and are there for someone your past self can relate to. Because socially awkward people do realize, and they do know you’re sticking around. They know they aren’t making great conversation, but they’re so grateful to have someone understanding like you. It helps to even have just one person.
Being nice is not a personality. From my experience, people enjoy being in the company of people who have their own personalities or points of view.
Not everyone is an extrovert. It’s important to be yourself and be genuinely interested in the other person. Listening to what the other person has to say is a good place to start – people usually love talking about themselves lol
read that book.. no more mr nice guy
It’s enough that *you*, an empathetic individual, can understand what’s going on and don’t flatly reject her. Other people simply can be arsed.
“Being nice” may not be enough for them, but nothing else will, either – nothing can *force* them to meet anyone half-way, and if they can’t meet someone who is trying to be social half-way, then nothing will get them to do the right thing. They’ve made up their mind to be intolerant, and they’ve made up their mind to not allow anyone to change their minds.
You are a good human.
It’s actually sad how men are brainwashed by television tropes into thinking that being a good guy will get you the girl in the end every time
I find people who are extraordinarily nice to be off putting sometimes. It’s almost they’re constantly wearing a mask and you never really get to know the real them. No one is nice all the time so you really have to work these people before they open up. Once they show you themselves it’s really rewarding. Then you get to watch them interact with others the way they did to you when you first met.
I always try and go above and beyond for the people around me but that doesn’t mean I don’t have my own opinions and boundaries.
Well wait till you are put in that position again and you’ll learn how ignorant you were. I experienced those heights too in my life where I was the popular one. It’s not much but there were instances where even said to people that they shouldn’t be shy. You are put into your place again when you get back to a group where you have nothing in common and they all have. Please don’t get your ego high, enjoy the moment
I can totally relate to this.
I am nice to others because I know how it feels to not be treated right. Doesn t mean you have to let others use you as a carpet
This, sometimes I just feel like I can’t think of anything to talk about myself even though I’m sure I have a bunch of interesting stories. Working on that right now.
that’s a great piece of insight. I think when for whatever reason you grow up to be more socially awkward type, less socialized, it can feel so much harder to do things that feel so natural to many. And it sort of feels like there is this divide. You see how you are different than others and instead of bridging that gap you just notice more and more things and it then starts to feel like it’s an impossible task. (at least I feel that way.) but I think in reality it’s actually simpler. Just be in the right state emotionally to make friends. Open, calm, receptive.
And I think like one thing I am feeling I do differently is I no longer feel like I need to hide my social anxiety and such so no one sees it. But that the key i thnk is that there is some genuineness in the situation. You are engaging with that person with a genuine part of who you are.