I’ve known my best friend, D, for 8 years. We go out for dinner and drinks regularly. Our boyfriends get along so sometimes we invite them and go for drinks as a four.
At first I noticed that D’s boyfriend (H) could sometimes be a bit off with me, so I started paying attention to his behaviour and the more attention I paid, the more rude I found his behaviour. I told my boyfriend about my concerns and he agreed he’s noticed the same things, such as:
– He makes a lot of eye contact when he’s speaking, but makes no eye contact when you’re speaking back, looks away and picks his beer label or his nails
– When you’re speaking he quite often takes his phone out and looks at that for a while. Sometimes he even shows D memes on his phone.
– When you’re speaking he sometimes starts a side conversation with his girlfriend e.g. “do you want another drink? I’ll go to the bar” and sometimes gets up and leaves to go to the bar
The behaviour doesn’t depend on the topic of conversation either – once H told a story about a sports match and my boyfriend told a very similar story back, only for H to completely lose interest the second my boyfriend started talking
His behaviour is such a stark contrast between when he’s talking and when my boyfriend and I are talking that it’s bizarre
Over many occasions I’ve got to the point where I just dread hanging out with him, but D is always suggesting going out as a 4.
I’ve considered talking to her about it but I can see her getting defensive and getting upset and I don’t want to ruin things. How do I deal with this?
7 comments
say something. otherwise it’ll fester and could potentially end with an outburst. if D can’t understand when you speak to her, then maybe it’s best to take some space until another time when you could re-approach the idea.
For now, I’d focus on spending time just with your friend. If she presses, you could ask if she’s noticed this same behavior with him. Let her know it makes you uncomfortable because it comes off as though he’s completely disinterested in you. Listen to her if she offers an explanation.
Those behaviors all sound like something stemming from discomfort around social interaction. It’s something a lot of neurodivergent people (especially ASD) struggle with, and they don’t even realize what they’re doing is rude. Talk to your friend about it, and maybe just spend time together one on one if it’s an issue during your couple gatherings.
Both you and your boyfriend probably need to bring it up in the moment but not necessarily directly. You call attention to it by diverting attention back to him.
You start talking and he pulls out his phone, you stop and say “I’ll wait until H is done on his phone.”. Or if he starts a side conversation, again, stop and say “I’ll wait for H to be done talking to you.”. Do this EVERY time he doesn’t pay attention.
If D says “no keep going”, reply with “No, it’s okay, I don’t want to be rude to H and talk over him…”
In other words, stop letting it be so comfortable for him to disrespect you. She’ll either get the hint, he’ll stop, or you’ll have the “evidence” to back up talking to D about it privately.
Do you know why they don’t like you? Because that seems to be the root of the problem.
maybe it is just because I am blunt, but I would just outright ask him as you are out as a group “Are you not interested in this conversation?” because that behavior is rude and there is nothing wrong with asking someone if they are interested in something or not. If he answers no, ask him why the 4 of you continue to hangout when it isn’t particularly enjoyable for anyone besides D. it’s the mature thing to approach this with transparency
Ima be honest I do the same thing but it’s not out of disinterest I quite enjoy being at social gatherings even if I’m not engaging as much as everyone else, I’m a reserved person so once I get what I want to say out the way I kinda just go my own thing while listening to what’s going on. From my point of view it feels like you’re making a. Issue where there isn’t one but I’m pretty sure I have undiagnosed ADHD so take it as you will