First of all sorry for my english, Im french 🙂
I change workplace once a year when I finish my task on a project. And I often meet again people from previous one.
Anytime I tell to myself “it’s a new start, this time I’ll be super friendly, always say yes when asked to eat together or have a drink”. However, my anxiety is often stronger, I finish to avoid to confront it. So 98% of time I say no to drink invitations. I hate to walk to shop food with colleagues I dont know why, it just makes me really anxious but I eat with them 2/3 time.
The first month I feel super awkward, too afraid to say something weird and I end to be quiet. But I force myself to talk a bit, when I can.
After that I feel a bit more confident and sometimes I even really enjoy eating with them. But it’s kind of too late. They are tired of me saying no and they just abandon. And I feel it would be weird if I suddenly go with them have a drink.
And honestly I’m sometimes surprised that they are so perseverant with me. I would abandon after 3 “no”…
Anyway yesterday I went with them because A. one of the guy I feel more close to asked me, I had a nice evening. I hesitated but finally forced myself. Ok I overthink a bit on 2-3 weird sentences like always but nothing dramatic so I guess it was ok. But tonight they have a drink again (without A who left early) and noone asked me.
Of course I feel shitty, asking myself if I was not enough.
I want to cry like I regurlaly cry because of my incapacity to be integrated.
I’ve been bullied in highschool (not heavily but it marked me) and people told me so often that I was weird and sometimes saying hurtful things unintentionnally.
Sometimes I want to fuck it and just be completely myself, embrace my awkwardness but often I think that I should stay aware and just blend in as a nice girl.
But I feel like I became a boring stucked person because of this. My psy said that I’m always judging myself.
I dont know if we could call that social anxiety because I can talk to strangers and I could make a speech in front of a crowd. I don’t think I’m on autism spectrum neither. i just fear to be rejected and it’s probably just a self esteem issue.
I just want to be normal.