I (28M) have been with my girlfriend (28F) for 9 years. For the past 5 months I have been mentally struggling with our relationship because when it came to it I didn’t feel ready for commitment (marriage /buying a property) even though she was (I have been in full-time education up until now and never really questioned what the future held for us).
As a result, I have recently been going to therapy to find out why I am having this internal conflict about our relationship. Ultimately, I think it is because I have never really considered my needs in the relationship and have always tried to please my SO and avoid any sort of arguments or conflict.
Because of this I have never been able to learn about conflict in a relationship and have held back my needs from my girlfriend.
Unfortunately, one of my biggest needs is sex. I have a very high libido which is in contrast to my girlfriend’s needs. I believe she would like to have it once or twice a week, whereas I would like to have it once (or more!) times a day. We have tried to compromise by having it twice or three times a week before (even scheduling) but this still felt not enough for me and I always felt like I would pester her for it and often be rejected.
It also difficult for me to talk about sex with her because, when I do, she often resents talking about it at length.
It not just the frequency that’s an issue but also the content. I feel like I would like to be more sexually explorative (I have many kinks). My girlfriend has tried some (e.g. watching porn together) but I want to do much much more different things and the progress in encouraging her to do them is so painful along with my shame that I even have them. I want her to give me oral (it’s one of my greatest turn-ons) but she doesn’t like it (she doesn’t really even like getting oral – her preference is PIV). I don’t want to upset her but sometimes I do want her to do things just for me (when we talk about it she often says that she doesn’t like the idea of ‘servicing’ me – neither do I, I want her to want to do it for me).
I think the problem is her confidence and just our mismatched libido. My girlfriend doesn’t like when I ask her to talk dirty to me, because she feels self-conscious. I want her to have more self-confidence with me but I don’t want her to think I don’t like who she is. Above all, I respect her choices and together with my unwillingness to approach conflict in the past means that I have never pushed it and left myself not being happy/fulfilled inside. I want to ask for more but I want to respect her past answers.
I also think that I have always been ashamed of my high libido as she has always told me that, as a couple, we have a lot of sex compared to her friends and their partners. This makes me feel like I am wrong for being the way I am about sex.
I don’t know what to do.
I dont know how to approach this subject with her. I dont want to blame her or demand things from her, but I want to tell her honestly what I want.
13 comments
I have a high sex drive too (37f) and sometimes it’s hard to explain to others . I get it
Find someone that is into sex as much as you. Trust me it’s not the frequency but the interest level. Passion for it
In your place I would try talking to her about the reasons as to why she is unwilling to have sex more often. Is her libido low due to poor eating habits? Is she stressed because of kids/work? Are you smelly down there? Perhaps you got fat and it’s a turn-off, or she may prefer a different dynamic in the bedroom?
Talk is key. I have never seen a successful relationship without openness to discussion.
If she isn’t willing to talk, then I can understand your second thoughts about marriage. I personally wouldn’t marry someone I’m sexually incompatible, for I believe it would fall apart very soon. You’re 9 years together and you have to basically beg for blowjobs, it won’t get any better after that ring slides in.
Mismatched libido is a real thing, a valid concern, and not something that you should be ashamed of or feel guilty for. The three biggest things that are the causes for relationships ended are sex, money, and parenting. The sex one is very difficult because within monogamy there’s really only one person where someone can get their needs met.
For that reason I think it’s of top importance for someone that is monogamous to find someone that at least comes close to matching their libido. There’s no other easy solution. You can check out r/deadbedrooms if you want to see into the future. People will try to tell you that sex shouldn’t be that important blah blah blah, but that’s because those are the people that sex isn’t that important to. Libido is directly correlated to how important you deem sex so someone with a low libido can’t possibly give you a useful opinion.
My wife and I have mismatched libidos, and we make it work by planning when we have sex.
You realize the sex will get more infrequent, and less adventurous, once you have kids, right? You need to have a serious conversation with her and maybe read some of the stories in r/deadbedrooms. It’s a pattern that rarely improves.
This may be an unpopular opinion but if all else in the relationship is good you may need to outsource your sex. I had a dead bedroom for about a decade. Our marriage was strong in every other way and I wasn’t going to give that up. I love my wife deeply but her libido went to zero after kids. I couldn’t take it and needed to feel wanted physically. Luckily her libido bounced back to ridiculous levels. Actually she is more horny now than in her 20’s. Things could not be better. It was a rough patch in a 30 year marriage but it did get better. If in your case the rest of the relationship is meh, then you need to make the difficult decision and split. 9 years is a long time and things are probably very comfortable and it will be hard. But you also deserve happiness.
There seems to be two different things going on here. You want certain things, and you’re scared of what the conversation will reveal. You’ve made a lot of assumptions and assertions about your girlfriend but you need to put those aside and ASK HER QUESTIONS. You need to ask her: would you ever be open to exploring kinks if we eased into it keeping it so you felt safe and good all the time? Do you feel like you’d be more interested in more frequent sex if other things are addressed in our relationship? (And what are those things?) look, the answer to your questions may be, “never gonna happen,” and it’s possible her boundaries and preferences have nothing to do with confidence levels. Prepare yourself, what do you want if she is happy with this arrangement and it will never change? Because you’ve convinced yourself her boundaries are because you’re not being heard, but that may not be the case. Being heard doesn’t mean she’s required to accommodate you. It may be time to move on
I married my wife and we have always had mismatched libidos, we’ve had problems for years. It doesn’t get better
If you’re pulling your weight with the housework and in bed, it isn’t going to get better. Might want to consider moving on.
>I have been in full-time education up until now
So long as this doesn’t mean “she’s been putting me through school for the last 9 years and I just got a job and realized that the sex thing is a deal breaker”. I’m not trying to bust balls, but the wording is strange.
I have been very happily married for 38 years and I think sexual compatibility is huge! I can honestly say for my husband and I sex just keeps getting better and better.
I think you can be happily married without sexual compatibility, but definitely not very happily married
I think if you talked about it and compromised in some things but still is not enough, perhaps you are not sexually compatible. It’s not your fault or hers.
Also, a suggestion but if she is on birth control it can really decrease her libido.
You just said it in the first part. I am not ready for commitment but she is ready. She lost respect for you as a male because she is ready to take action but you are not. From here she is not matching your energy and other way. Probably this caused her to lose attraction and sexual desire for you. Even if she dont show you, maybe she don’t realise that but that’s how their mind works. I don’t want to insult you, but if you feel pressure from her to settle down then break up and move on. I had a 5 year relationship and she cheated on me because my sex drive was very big and she “lost” interest in me but slept with another guy after that. I know many would say talk with her etc. But when you open up and say that you want more sex she lose interest more. That is because females want to feel the desire to sleep with you, they will be attached to you ****. So maybe go hit a gym, make a transformation, change your style and lifestyle, make a change in your life, set up something big for you and eventually she will follow. If not move on with live , something better is around the corner. Hope i helped borther!