tl;dr: I think my partner has negative tone of voice and he doesn’t, need advice.
My (27, f) boyfriend (37, m) and I have been together about 3 years. and I get in frequent fights because of his tone of voice. The relationship is great otherwise. However, I often become upset because he is impatient; speaks in a tone that I find very rude; and whenever we have a miscommunication, he ALWAYS puts it on me (instead of understanding that there is a mutual miscommunication, he always claims that I’m the one that doesn’t know how to communicate properly).
I have tried to bring this up to him in so many ways, and every single time it ends in a fight because he becomes extremely defensive, passive-aggressive, and just overall difficult to talk to , which results in me getting frustrated, angry, and yelling. He refuses to believe that he has a rude tone of voice or speaks in a rude way. He thinks I’m overly sensitive, or he tells me that his intention is not to be rude and it’s my fault for imagining an attitude or negative tone of voice. We’ve both gone to therapy in the past, and so he also uses the fact that I have attachment insecurity against me by saying that it’s common for insecure people to imagine that the other person is being rude when they are not.
He also refuses to accept that sometimes miscommunication in a relationship is common, and always wants to argue with me over who is objectively right or wrong (shocker, he always thinks it’s me). So any time he says something rude and I react to it, we get in a fight or just stop speaking to each other for several days.
I dont know what to do this about this other than get couple’s counseling, but it is extremely expensive and we are not in a position of affording it right now. I’m at my wits end and this is leading to more and more fights. I really dont know what to do and would love suggestions.
5 comments
This is a really good relationship to just end. He isn’t willing to have a real relationship with you – he isn’t trying to be a partner. And I don’t think relationships work when they are one-way. A relationship requires being willing to listen to and understand the perspective of the other person, and then working together to find a solution that works for both of you. He isn’t doing this, so there isn’t really a point to being with him. At best, you two are deeply incompatible. But he isn’t trying to bridge that incompatibility. So, it can’t work.
Is his rude tone present in every conversation or is there certain triggers that bring out?
Does he speak in the same tone to other people?
ok so… you think he’s a problem. He doesn’t. Its causing fights. Nothing has been getting better even when you talk about it, and you can’t afford professional intervention.
Seems like this simply IS NOT the relationship for you.
So whats your plan? He refuses to acknowledge there is a problem and it is causing big issues. Are you just going to keep living in this cycle forever?
Part of any good relationship is good communication. If he refuses to engage with you there’s nothing you can do. Maybe ask for couples counseling? But asking a partner to speak to you in a respectable way shouldn’t be this much of a battle. Yes relationship take work but they take work on both sides.
If your partner is not putting in effort and you are something fundamental has broken in the relationship. And if they are unwilling to either change or even engage in a conversation that’s not on you. You’ve done everything you can and deserve to be with someone who respects you.