I’m 23 male I’ve been in the navy for four years already been pretty great. My girlfriend lily is 24 she was a cook in the navy (how we met). Anyway, when you’re serving you get free health care and free dental for life, and your husband/wife or children get free health and dental as well. My girlfriend talked to me today about having a child because they’ll get amazing benefits from both of us being in the navy. I told her I don’t want children now because I’m still active in the navy.
so it wouldn’t be the best time to have a child with both of us being gone who’s gonna take care of the baby 24/7? And from my experience of having a father in the air force, it sucks ass not being able to be around him. She said women only have a short frame when it comes to children which I know and I said I understand but I won’t be able to be with our child and it’d just be here in our house alone with the dog. I was trying to reason with her I said we can have a kid but it should be in a year or two because then I’d served nine years and would be asked to be discharged.
I told her I think that would be smarter because we’ll both be home still didn’t make her happy and what I heard her say as she left is okay then I’ll find somebody who will.
I lost my temper and broke up with her because at this point this is ridiculous I’m saying we can have one but in a few years because I don’t want to be gone while my child is growing up that’s stupid. Maybe I’m wrong for wanting to wait until I can be home every single day but having a absent father is terrible I don’t want my child to go through what I went through.
18 comments
You broke up with her = relationship over. But neither of you are wrong, you just want different things.
Also, a father in the military does not equal absent father. I had a father in the military. He was gone 18 months at a time, twice. I missed him obviously but I was so proud of having a dad who served my country.
You did the right thing, your reasons for waiting to have a child are totally valid and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting to wait to have a child so you can physically be there with your child. 23 and 24 is still incredibly young, yes woman only a have ‘small fertile window’ but that window can be 40 years long! As someone whose father just straight up and left them at 2 weeks old it’s commendable that you want to play an active role in your child’s life.
Its a bad idea to have kids just because the benefits are good the cost and stress of having a child outweigh any financial benefits. Always.
You should only have kids if you
1.both you AND your partner want a kid
2.your financially stable enough to have a kid
3.your partner and yourself are both in mature places mentally and emotionally enough to raise another human because kids don’t stay kids they have to become functional adults.
By the sounds of it you and your partner aren’t ready for a kid. You can’t get on the same page about when to have a kid is best, your ex isn’t mature enough to fully consider your POV and resorted to implying she will cheat and get pregnant by someone else if u don’t give her what she wants.
Not only that but her logic about the baby years women have is wrong. Medicine has gotten far enough where the childbearing years no longer hard stop at 30, yea many of our eggs are gone but there is still another almost 15 years after that can still be safe to carry a child. (Depending on the women)
As a Navy vet myself, I think you did the right thing. Having kids while you’re both active is not the move. If she was planning to get out and you were okay supporting her as a stay at home mom, that could be a different story if you were okay with it.. but her pushing to having kids just because you both get benefits is kind of a red flag to me in general. Make the most of your time seeing new places and meeting new people. But also, if you’re almost at 9 years in, just go for 20 years and retire. That’s one of my biggest regrets. You come out just to start at ground zero in another job you have to work for at least 20 before you could retire and get a pension or 401k. Knock it out now and then your second career is straight profit because your mil retirement will pay the bills.
As someone who is now 25 and can tell you my dad was only home maybe 50 days out of the year due to his work, you made the right choice. I know it hurts, but you know what it’s like to have an absentee parent due to work and you don’t want that for your kids.
Having kids is a ”two yes/one no” type of a situation.
You need to have a “yes” from both the parties to choose to have a child and one “no” not to have one.
If she really feels so pressed for time and wants to have a child right now, then you guys have incompatible opinions and want to have different outcome in life Or at least different timeframes.
She’s in her early 20s so the whole time window is silly. She has a decade before she be considered advanced maternal age. And with medicine you can keep getting ordnance much later than before. I had my kids young (19, surprise) and while it’s doable it is so hard. I’m 36 more with a 16 and a 12 year old. I also recently got pregnant while on an iud so she has time. Unless she knows something about her reproductive health she isn’t sharing. Kids are permanent. They aren’t an accessory. They aren’t convenient, they aren’t always fun or enjoyable. I don’t think she fully understands what goes into it. You made the right choice 100%
You might want to check on your knowledge of benefits. I believe you have to retire to keep those TRICARE benefits. If you serve less than that, then your eligibility for care would be through the VA (not the same as TRICARE) and is dependent on service, income, and service-connected disabilities. And, not every veteran in the VA gets dental, the majority don’t.
Yow! You did *exactly* the right thing! She is being totally unreasonable and, frankly, not very smart. Breaking up with her is for the best, unless you want to be an “Unplanned Dad”, because she is going to get pregnant by someone very soon. Also, FYI, she is not anywhere *near* the age where fertility is an issue. She just wants to have a baby.
Good job for being smart!
Just don’t take her back. You can’t have a stable, healthy life with someone who has this mentality.
LMAO at her saying “women only have a short time frame.” She’s 24, she’s got time.
You’re only 23 and don’t seem to be looking to get married. If you aren’t ready for marriage, you shouldn’t be having kids, either (besides an accident). And you’re right, raising a child without a dad isn’t good for you or the kid, or her honestly. Raising a child is very difficult.
I think you were definitely right to break up with her.
GF sounds nuts. She is only 23, she has plenty of time to have a baby. Your reasons for waiting are valid. I would be very careful that she doesn’t have your baby without your consent. Don’t trust her with birth control.
Stay single, now that you have broken up, and find someone who has the same goals as you do, and respects your views.
Run run run run
You’re not wrong for being incompatible, you are wrong in the way you handled it I guess? You should’ve just let her talk shit under her breath and then break it off calmly the next day or whatever. Snapping doesn’t help, but the damage is already done. It wasn’t quite what she said
The threat to cheat to become pregnant speaks volumes. If you were my son I’d tell you to break up. You are young. You will only be in your 20s one time. Build your future. Enjoy life. There is plenty of time to settle down later. You do you. She has absolutely no regard for your feelings. Cut her loose. You deserve better.
Good for you. Is kinda selfish of her not to consider your feelings about wanting to be around your child. Thank you for your service and you’re gonna be a great dad one day!!
I’m so sorry, but the idea that women are no longer fertile after like 30 needs to end. I know a woman that had a child literally at 47. People in different countries, especially not the west have children well into their 30s and 40s **on average**.
Hell, the average age that women are having kids in the west is raising too, like every year. In fact, the average age that women in the U.S. have kids is 30, a little over 33 in South Korea, 33 in Ireland, 32 in Switzerland, 31 in Denmark, 31 in Canada, and they’re ALL still rising every year, and for many, it’ll likely continue to rise to an average of mid 30s+ like, everywhere. These are all averages, meaning, it is *not* a small amount of women getting married well past their 20s. Women **DO NOT** have a short frame of being able to have kids unless you consider several decades a “short frame”. She’s literally 24, not 44. She has time.
It is such a ludicrous view that women can’t or will 100% struggle to have kids unless they do it in their early 20s. Your ex gf needs to do some research before she makes claims like this.
Overall, she’s wrong for trying to make very important decisions for you. You aren’t wrong for wanting kids rn, and it is absolutely understandable to not want to have kids while you won’t be home to see them. She’s being incredibly selfish here. Good on you for setting boundaries!! Definitely don’t give in to something that you know you aren’t ready for!
Does she understand female biology? What does she mean by “short frame”? She’s only 24 for goodness sake! Two years would have been no problem at all. Sounds like you did the right thing by breaking up. You are not wrong for wanting to wait.