So I have pretty crippling social anxiety and it manifests/comes across as me being ‘cold.’ I don’t want to appear that way. In order for a girlfriend/ boyfriend to meet our daughter, we had a ‘rule’ that he or I had to meet the gf/bf first.
He and I are actually pretty good friends, we have a good coparenting relationship, we haven’t been together since she was 2.
Im actually remarried (5 years), have a 9 month old, etc.
I guess my question stems from.. like what am I supposed to say to her? Should I ask her questions? Or just… talk to her? I don’t mean that in a ‘don’t be rude to Her’ way (duh, I would be happy for my ex if he’s happy!) I just… haven’t been in this situation before and don’t really know how to react or respond. Any encouragement or advice would be super welcome!
Tl;dr meeting my ex’s girlfriend today and am nervous, not sure what to talk about or say and seeking advice
9 comments
I don’t have advice for what to do but I do think you should try not to bond over talking about your ex. I’ve seen that go badly
Sometimes addressing the fact that you’re nervous when meeting someone can help ease the tension.
Luckily, it sounds like there’s not really old lingering romantic feelings for one another. So feel free to ask some basic things you’d ask a friend’s partner you’re meeting for the first time. What does she do? Where did they meet? Where is she from? Simple things to get the ball rolling. You guys don’t have to be best friends by any means. But I think you’ll find some common ground to connect on by asking her some basic questions about her life and what she enjoys.
Are you going to be spending significant time, or just meeting in passing?
I think the standard questions apply. What do you do for a living? Do you have any kids of your own? What do you like to do for fun? Did you grown up around here?
It’s less than an interrogation and more of a finding common ground exercise. Keep in mind, she’s probably nervous too and under the circumstances, it’s probably fine to just come out and say “meeting new people is really uncomfortable for me, but I am happy we got the chance to meet.”
>In order for a girlfriend/ boyfriend to meet our daughter, we had a ‘rule’ that he or I had to meet the gf/bf first.
If you’re anxious about it, could you just waive doing it and let your ex proceed with introductions?
I am generally against these sort of “ex meets current before meeting kids” meetings. What’s the goal? What is the desired outcome of this conversation? Are you interviewing her? Approving her? What if you hate her? What if she’s actually a perfect angel but anxiously embarrasses herself, making a bad first impression?
I was in a long-term relationship with a man who had kids, and I never met his ex-wife in the two years I was interacting with the kids. They even had a bedroom in my house. Our paths never crossed, and I felt zero need to go out of my way to prove myself to her or befriend her.
What are you doing to manage your anxiety? Are you in therapy, taking medication?
“Hey, nice to meet you!” Then go from there.
The first time I met my ex’s ex it was awkward. We sort of stood while my ex vanished to play games with his son. Then she said ‘fuck it. I need a wine. Come on!’ And we sat in the kitchen drinking white wine and getting to know each other.
remember she will also be nervous. I’d treat it as you would meeting a friend of a friend and focus on getting to know her as a person.
I’d ask ex for some info ahead of time. Is she a gardener? Does she like to cook? What are her hobbies? “I heard you hiked the Appalachian Trail, that’s amazing! Do you still like hiking?”
And this, gentlemen, is why you never date a single mother.