F(28). M(37, 33, 34)
I have a difficult scenario and I need advice.
I am a single mother. My child is getting to an age where they are learning about families. Unfortunately the pregnancy occured at a really difficult time of my life, I was in an unhealthy place. I have already beaten myself up about this, the details are not necessary but basically drink/drugs/3 potential fathers.
I sobered myself up, got an amazing degree, got a car, got a house, my child has absolutely everything and needs nothing. I saw a counsellor. All is wonderful.
Obviously I get no support and the potential fathers do not really know anything. None are stand up men. Well, I did mention to two. Both blocked me. So that was that. Its been years now.
Thankfully I have the support of friends and family, and being accepted has made me deal with that brief episode in my life that lead to the baby. And I dont regret it. I love my tiny family and the life I have now.
However, now I have the moral delemia of: do I have the responsibility to track down a man who potentially could be terrible for my daughter. Or do I carry on as we are.
Also, yes, yes, I know. Im a whore. I’m a bad person. But at the time the decisons I made suited my mental health and I am doing good now. Im just looking for advice on women who are in similar situations, even if its just tracking down a one night stand. How did it go? Was it worth it? Or is it a mistake.
Friends say to not find the man.
Im not sure whats right.
TLDR/ not sure who my childs father is. Wondering if i should carry on as we are happy or risk the possibility of bringing a bad person into our lives
9 comments
You aren’t a whore. Don’t beat yourself today for who you once were.
Also, this decision is up to you. You need to really think about the choice because you’ve got to protect your kid. That’s who comes first, period.
>Im a whore. I’m a bad person.
Ok, first off, stop talking about yourself like that. You made poor life decisions and then got over it, there’s no need to condemn yourself over this. You stepped up as a mother and got your life on track – a bad person would be someone who was abusive towards their child for instance, and that’s not the case. You got knocked up by some guy who has just as much responsibility in this as you do – it takes two to tango.
That being said, you’ll have to eventually consider the following : your daughter at some point will probably want to know her full identity, meaning she’ll want to know who her father is/was.
Whether this is a good idea or a bad idea depends on who this guy is – and unfortunately, you don’t have this piece of information. I suppose you could try and force your way around things and get these 2 who blocked you to have a paternity test done – is it worth it though? The fact they blocked you says a lot about their desire to know if they’re the father. Is that the kind of person you want your daughter to be around?
At the end of the day, you could always be completely honest with your daughter when she reaches the right age: “look, honey, mom fucked up when she was younger, but she loves you more than anything. She tried her best to find who your dad is, but she was unsuccessful” – hopefully that’ll be sufficient.
All the best to you!
First of all, let go of the guilt and shame.
You’ve done right for yourself and your daughter.
Think about the best case scenario, the worst case scenario, and the most likely scenario. Does that change you wanting to look into it?
Creep their media, see if there are resemblances.
You could also maybe do 23andme/Ancestry and see if there’s a match with extended family and you could figure it out yourself?
It is definitely a bell that can’t be unrung, so I think you need to be in a place where you are sure you want to do this before you do.
What happens if they want to be involved and have custody?
What happens if they have parents or family that want to see her?
Maybe they have changed like you have, maybe not.
I would take it slow and do as much on the DL as you can before opening a can of worms that can’t be closed.
If you can access a counsellor that might be a place to start taking it all through.
Whore is such a judgmental word. Nothing wrong with having a healthy sex life. Don’t beat yourself up there. But I do think you owe it to your child to find out who the father is. You may need to get a lawyer involved to force a DNA test if they men won’t co-operate. Good luck!
I totally see why you’d be nervous and anticipate potential judgement posting this- but you did nothing wrong! You are certainly not a bad person (I’m not going to comment on whore as an insult as it’s problematic but there’s nothing wrong with having had multiple sexual partners).
I think you can wait until your daughter can decide.
You did nothing wrong op take it easy damn dude.
I would do some digging on this and see where all 3 men are at their lives. If they are still disasters then i would drop it. I would want to find out just to have the info.
I would just carry on. Also, don’t beat yourself up about it and call yourself a whore. I got pregnant at 21 and was going through a wild phase of drinking (didn’t drink before 21), having a few different partners (didn’t Date much in school), and being rowdy. Had a panic about which partner was babydaddy, but narrowed it down and ended up having a horrible relationship for years trying to give my daughter a family. He never grew up and really isn’t a great dad. I don’t regret my daughter at all but I do wish sometimea I had just raised her on my own from the beginning.
First you aren’t a whore. You made choices you clearly are embarrassed of now but you were a different person then. Honestly though, there isn’t a reason to be embarrassed. The whole she’s a whore/slut commentary is based on woman should be madonnas and men can do what they want. Sorry got off track.
I have no idea if it would work, but try a home dna test to see if your daughter matches with someone related to these people. I’ve never done one, but maybe use a fake name for her so she can’t be tracked down. Having some information may relieve your anxiety. To me is seems more that you aren’t sure who the dad is as you don’t need to make a decision today on whether or not to inform him that he’s a father. I do believe it will be better that the information of who her father is comes from you to your daughter.
Different situation completely, but my mum told me when I was around 9 or 11 (I don’t remember exactly), that my dad who brought me up was actually my step dad and told me who my bio dad was, then left it up to me to decide if I wanted to reach out. I did choose to, but he wanted nothing to do with me, not to mention back when my mum was pregnant with me, he wanted her to abort. I’ve still not met him nor do I want to – I’m 26 now. Even if I didn’t have my amazing step dad in my life, I’d be fine without knowing the other.
I also have another 3 brothers by my bio who probably have no idea I exist, 2 sisters I’ve met but now don’t speak to and 1 brother who knows who I am but didn’t want to meet me.
It took a while when I was younger to get over the whole “why didn’t he want me” kinda feeling. I only felt that way as he had 3 kids before me and then 3 after me so I was the only one he gave up. But I can honestly say I’m happy and wouldn’t change a thing.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, just be honest with your kid, then let her decide what she wants to do. Even if the dads a not-so-nice person, it should still be your kids choice, let her find that out herself and support her no matter what. If the dad doesn’t want anything to do with her, that’s his loss, missing out on a great kid and make sure she knows that.
And by the way, you are definitely not a bad person, you went through a bad time, you’ve moved on and you got an amazing daughter from it, it’s in the past and you’ve done a hell of a job since. I’m proud of you❤️